I wonder why it was written for us to meet now, when his life is already set and mine is yet to begin. When I would inevitably begin to need him more than he could ever need me. Why were we destined to meet now, of all times?
Surely, someone who doesn’t belong to me cannot possibly be my soulmate. Yet why does he feel like everything I’ve ever wanted in a person? Why is he so incredibly compatible with me, so kind, so gentle, so compassionate, so passionate, and so ridiculously sexy and hot? Like, this man could literally be doing nothing, and I’d have the hardest time controlling myself. Every time I see him, I want to throw myself at him with such ridiculous force because I simply cannot get enough of him. It’s nothing like anything I’ve ever known before. I’ve never known myself to be this passionate, to want someone with such overwhelming intensity that even the absence of his touch feels like starvation. I yearn to be close to him all the time, to feel him against me, to be near him in whatever way I can.
And it’s crazy, because I keep waiting for it to pass. I wait for my feelings to change, for the intensity to fade, for whatever this is to eventually run its course. Yet, every day, I find myself doing the opposite of what I’ve always done when love has frightened me. I find myself choosing healthier patterns over insanity. I try to communicate better, to regulate my emotions without making them his burden, to tell him my truths as honestly as I can. I give him the space to learn me without feeling the need to explain every little thing about myself, and slowly but surely, he does. He learns. He pays attention. He remembers things. He does the most unexpectedly loving things, sometimes so effortlessly that I wonder if he even realises how much they mean to me. And despite all of that, my mind still finds ways to poison my thoughts against him. How could it not, when the reality of us is what it is? When no amount of tenderness can change the one thing that makes all of this so terribly complicated?
But back to my question. Why did I meet him now? What kind of test is this supposed to be? How am I meant to walk away from someone who feels like everything I’ve ever prayed for? I’m only human, too. And all my life, I’ve waited for a love that feels like this. A love that makes me feel things I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling. A love that makes me want to be better, not because I’m afraid of losing it, but because, for once, I want to love someone without letting all the things that have hurt me before ruin something that feels so beautiful.
And perhaps that’s what makes it all the more devastating. Because for the first time in my life, I can actually imagine forever with someone. Not just the romanticised version of forever that exists in my head, but an entire life. The ordinary days, the mundane routines, the comfort of knowing someone will be there when I wake up and when I go to sleep. The kind of life I’d never really allowed myself to want with anyone before. And I can see it with him. So clearly that it hurts.
How fucking devastating is that? That the one time I can finally imagine spending the rest of my life with someone, it happens to be with the one person I may never get to have that life with.
The only time forever has ever felt this real to me, and it might just be the most hopeless forever of all.
And I cannot help but wonder what the point of all this is. Why would it be written for me to find something I’ve spent my entire life longing for, only to discover that finding it and being able to keep it are two entirely different things?
