Putting your guards back up after just letting someone freeway with you is nearly impossible. Now that they’ve gotten under your skin, it is too late. How could I think I would be fine.

I don’t know where to even begin drawing the line. From forehead kisses to endless nights. How do you not get caught up? When I’m not in control it comes out in the nastiest of ways. Bulging insecurities and dreaded conversations of all the what-ifs that may or may never happen. How do I stop? How do I protect myself without any armour?

Guarding up is almost bitching up at this point. Act like nothing gets to you even when it does. I hate it here.

Guess who came around, the boy who broke my heart. The boy who couldn’t contain the thing we called ‘love’.

Flowers in his hand, love in his eyes, regret in his breath. Holding himself back, wishing to turn back time.

I believed we were perfect, oh, we were. He was my best friend, my go-to. My lifeline. I begged him to be my last.

He left, not because there was no love, but because there was. Sometimes we get so scared of what we feel we know no way else but to sabotage it.

I wish I’d stayed where he left me, I wish I knew he just might come around. But the way I went about it, I took my shot, and I got shot. I bled, I cried, I moved along with all the broken pieces.

I felt complete with him, like there was nothing I couldn’t conquer with him by my side. He made me believe in myself. He reassured me every chance he got. He showered me with compliments every day. I was spoilt. I still am. I don’t know if I will ever find someone who’ll live up to his loving ways, maybe I won’t.

But when he left, he also broke me. My lifeline was dead. I exploded, my emotions had nowhere to go, they birthed storms inside me I couldn’t contain. I ruined myself. I was so disappointed that I was so sick of this world. I was so mad at it for letting me down when everything felt so right. How could it not work out, when we were that good together. But it didn’t. That was the reality of it. The people who love you even the most dearly sometimes end up breaking your heart. And that’s exactly why it’s so scary, when the people who love you could do that, imagine what the people who didn’t feel nearly the same can do to you. Oh, it’s scary out there.

Guess who came around, the boy I wished to stay. Guess who changed her mind, the girl who’s beyond vulnerable that she can’t ever trust someone else to take care of her heart. Because she knows, they won’t. They never do.

I don’t know why I continue to seek relationships that are bad for me, ones that come with expiration dates and deadlines, ones that can never give me what I want, and these are always the ones that I get most caught up on. Sometimes it isn’t even about love, it’s just the need for intimacy, a close friendship, someone you can hold onto when everything else seems bleak, but then you know the same person you’re seeking support from now will be your downfall and you won’t have anyone but you to hold onto and you will fall, hard, into a vastness of sad. Is it worth it, this pattern of self-sabotage?

He asks me what I’m going to do, as he leaves. I tell him I’m going to jump out of this 7th-floor window, he thinks I’m joking of course. But deep down, that is all I want to do. Jump out of a window, feel the end of my life. That’s all.

He tells me to not do it here. And that’s what anyone has to ever say. Even though it brushed off as a joke, which it isn’t for me anymore – it’s never the right time to end your life, it always revolves around other peoples conveniences. Even your death is going to be an inconvenience, just like your life.

Do we remember our first thought, what we thought of? No, we don’t. But it probably would have been about the lights and the noises of this world. The madness of change, the chaos and company, all of which you did not ask for – but just happened since god willed. Our birth into this world serves many purposes. It gives meaning to life. But I had always wished against my birth. I hate that I’m here. I’ve hated it almost every day. I fail to see the beauty of life.

I was born into a world of hatred and anger. I got very little love. I was unloved. And to the little girl that I was, this was confusion. I couldn’t understand it. What was happening? What was wrong? I wondered about this almost every day. I went on from one unloving hand to the other. That didn’t change even as an adult.

My confusion is now hateful. I hate my pain, I hate the reason for my pain. I hate that I was subjected to it, I hate that I didn’t ask for any of this, yet I was given the worst of everything. I hate that I’m losing myself for the hundredth time.

At first, I probably thought they’d fall in love with me if they had sex with me. Then I’d see the empty look in their eyes and my heart would sink, but it’s late now and he’s going at it while my heart is breaking because no matter how deep he goes, he’s never going see me beyond the object I’ve made myself to be. Love starts miles before sex. I start miles before love.

I recognize emotions I never want to feel again, but never know got to not get there. No matter what routes you take you always end up in a bubble of uncertainly, vulnerability and insecurity. You can’t just switch it off and feel fabulous again, not once you spiralled through. How do you fight yourself and tell yourself you’ll be okay no matter what happens, no matter who comes and goes you’ll always have you. How do you remind yourself you are more than enough?

We always miss the ones who fuck us over. Is it because we lost a great part of ourselves in them? Or is it because the ones who fuck us over are always the ones we give our hearts to. Because if you hadn’t given them your all, they wouldn’t have had the power to hurt you. And because they got under our skin despite their disappointing efforts, a part of us will always miss them given an opportunity. We want to hate them, we want to hate the way they made us feel. We want to hate the lies. But we also miss the way our hearts flew with them. So where does Love end and self-love begin?

I was afraid if I opened my eyes I would awaken into the realm of your absence.

I love you because I don’t know how to not.

I love you for all the times you were there for me. I love you for the way you found my ordinary amusing. I love you for the way you loved me back, every single day. I love you for being so kind and understanding; having a heart deeper than the ocean, loving beyond the world needs and being so kind that you hurt yourself before you hurt anyone else. I love you for every breath you took with me when my lungs wouldn’t cooperate. I love you for letting my tears stain your shirt, and not minding it one bit. I love you for the way you showed up out of nowhere to help me declutter because you knew how insane my OCD was. I love you for never questioning my crazy. I love you for the way you loved me back, for who I am, nothing more and nothing less. I love you for making me fall in love with myself all over again. I love you because my love was always meant for you. And I will always love you, because I don’t know how to not.

So much of us I wanted to keep, but keeping was holding  on.