She Was Sea

Falling shortly behind my lover devout, I wish I knew why. Perhaps, not everything is meant to be understood. Perhaps, love just isn’t for me.

Or if I’m really lucky, it’s all in my head and everything is fine. Or perhaps, only intense therapy can fix certain patterns.

How I wish things were simpler.

What’s done is done. We’ll continue to live with our scarred selves and do the best we can with whatever’s left of us. That’s all we can do.

It’s not easy being with someone who carries someone else in their heart. It’s even harder when you know a part of you often thinks of another too. But despite all, we’ve both made commitments to one another, to see whatever this may be through. As we keep going, there are days where I feel like yes, this is it. And then there are moments of uncertainty where I’m like, what if this isn’t. What if this is another journey that will end, what if this is another stepping stone that will help us get to our destinies but without each other. What if this isn’t meant to be. What if we’re both barricading our fates by being caught up in something so momentary. Life is anything but predictable – every twist and every turn taking us to and from desires of intoxication. Yet, here we are taking chances on each other, praying it takes us away from our past lovers and to each other.

You reek of my pleasure, darling.

Your claws in my skin, my thighs on your rim.
Whispers of sin, for the longing since.

Something about the way old loves end, chills my soul. One day you wake up, and it is not there anymore. Yet you carry their rooted absence deep within your heart.

Some days getting out of bed itself is so hard to do. Some reasons are not even good enough to live another day, yet the amount of hopelessness I am currently drowning in is awful. I honestly do not know what to do. I do not know what I have done so wrong in life to be stumped this far down. I have always been hopeful, nothing has ever stopped me from going on, and that will not be changing today. But, today has been incredibly hard. Just one of those days where I need things to be fucking okay. I am not asking for much. I am only asking for a reasonable amount of stability. It has indeed been a year of dreaded chaos. And I am just so tired of deluding and lying to myself over and over because I am scared of facing the truth. I was hoping if I ignored it hard enough, it would go away. But it has not, and that too is not how it works. I need a break from life. All the worries and everything. Why do I feel like an absolute failure despite everything? Whose standards am I not meeting? Mine? Or what has been set for me by others? It has been incredibly difficult. And as insane as it may seem, I am so close to giving up. How long can one keep fighting against all odds?

Brilliant on paper yet homeless in reality. Don’t let me chase a dream, don’t let me chase something that just won’t be. Don’t seduce me with a love that isn’t yours to give away. Stop before love begins to lose its meaning. Stop before love becomes an obsession. Stop before you ruin my chances of actually being happy with someone who’d offer me the world in a blink. Not that you wouldn’t, but we know you can’t and it’s completely okay. I am okay with it.

Just, let me go. I can’t stay here anymore. It’s confusing my soul.

It’s not just one thing that ticks my head late at night, but a million things. Because, to my mind being worry-free is a foreign concept which it cannot adhere to. The mind is its own, seeking constant worries to indulge in, and life always complies. When one gets solved, it consumes in another. It can never end; it never does. An infinite ripple effect set in motion. This is what I live with.

You would think life would be easy, but would it ever? We keep chasing dreams and happiness. But when is it ever enough? Are we ever content? We can have it all yet one thing so irrelevant could bring down your estate. Because, in the end, it is chaos that we seek and chaos that we thrive in.

In our hurry to dismiss our lingering pasts, we forget how they are lurking in corners, following our every move, hoping it takes them further away from you. But then come the present day, so easy to dial your number and say, ‘I miss you’. And all the progress you’ve made up until that point, becomes undone. And you’re stuck between your present and your past, and you wish you knew what your choice should be. Let the phone go unanswered, or give in. But once you pick up, it’s too late. You’ve given them another window. Hence it’s chaos all over again.

Even though there are days I loathe my existence, there are a very few moments I’m glad you made me. I hate the life I had to live, but I also have a ton of sweet early childhood memories from a father that was perfectly ideal. Even though I felt neglected later on, I am still content in knowing that I was at some point a thing that gave you a reason to exist. Happy Birthday Bappa, I love you more than I will ever tell you.