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Love & War

February 29, 2016

I hope you’re proud of what you have done. I hope you’re finally happy. If putting me through hell was what you needed to do for you to shy away from everything we’ve had and my wrong doings then let this be it. 
I thought you warned me to stay away. And I did. Fairly I had stayed away since the day I ended things. But we kept crossing each other and you didn’t mind stopping by. What I had forgotten was, “all is fair in love & war”. I wasn’t aware of your dirty little plot. How could I have known, I knew there was something so very monstrous about you but I never thought you could unleash your demons and let evil spill over me. Honestly the times I’ve been with you have felt more or less like hell too often. But hey who’s counting that, all that matters now is, I have become the whore who cheated on a perfectly functional relationship and ruined everything.
Oops, my bad.
You know what sweety, you may not remember this, but the shit I’ve gone through for you to get us through, people have seen. And they remember more than I do. I often forget the worst bits because every time we got back together it was all about starting over.
A million apologies or confessions would not undo what I’ve done. But that is so fucking stupid. I cheated on you. You never found out. I broke up with you. And two months into the break up you find out shit and I become savage?. Oh please, give me a fucking break!
I know I’ve brought almost all of this on me by myself, but I never thought you’d have so much to contribute. Not after everything.
Well done. You’ve done almost everything to humiliate me, except one. And you just might do that any day now. A part of me wishes you’d do that sooner and get the hell over with it, so you no longer hold that against me. I honestly can’t handle you holding that kind of leverage over me. After that’s been done, I’d have nothing to fear from you. And I’d bet it cannot be any worse than the shit that’s been coming at me everyday for the past few weeks.
All thanks to you. All hail your demons.
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“Memories demand attention, because memories have teeth.”

February 28, 2016

I knew it, I’ve known it all along. Everyone who’s seen my blog or even if not, anyone who knew how open I was about the things I’ve been through in life asks me to shut the fuck up and never tell my the embarrassing dreadful bits to anyone. Okay they are right, for a reason. Most people aren’t as open-minded as I. I have known this, but that doesn’t stop me. Because my life and I am the outcome of everything that has happened to me. So we sugar coat the horrible bits and that leaves me with a perfect life where it doesn’t allow me to be as fucked up as I am. I am fucked up because of everything that has happened or didn’t happen. So how do I pretend they didn’t happen? How do I embrace myself without embracing the things that has made me the person I am today. Even I know, what the irrelevant people know about me today are 90% of the things I’ve written or talked about openly with someone. Of course trusting them to not spill the beans. But who can you really even trust anymore? I had no idea social media could become such a disease. But I think I always knew being so open about the worst things would come and bite me in the ass. But my policy to that has always been, a person who asks me to shut up about my issues or someone who is ashamed of my life isn’t worth being my ally. 
My mother was the first person who asked me to not tell anyone about what happened, and I asked her why? I was 19 then. And she told me because if I did I would never find anyone who would want to marry me. You know what Mom. That’s fine, because I don’t want a husband whom I can’t be myself around. And I think I’d rather spend the rest of my life just by myself. Who has the strength to love someone when they are nothing but melancholy.
And then there are the Anon Tumblr haters, who surprisingly “lol”s at the word rape. You know what? I may have been raped. Obviously sex without consent is rape. But I was too young to know what the hell was actually happening. I wasn’t saying yes. I wasn’t saying no either. The truth was I hadn’t been sleeping for months or even eating properly, I had no energy in me to fight him. And to this day, anyone whom I’ve told the story to, asks me, why didn’t you scream? why didn’t you run? You wanted it to happen, didn’t you? That’s where I stop answering. Because I do not know how to explain it any further. Where could I have run to in a foreign land with no one I knew ? How could I have screamed when I couldn’t find my voice to even ask him what the hell?
You see, this is something I thought I would forget about eventually. But its fucking annoying how it keeps coming back as I keep growing older. I mightn’t not made a big deal out of what happened. My parents may have glided it way easily than they actually should have. But the withdrawals are always there.
And today, I have to face horrible awful rumors that’s going around. Spread by I don’t even know whom, but I have a feeling someone I once deeply loved is responsible. I might have hurt someone really bad for them to turn the whole world against me, to make sure that I no longer breathe air but hate. 

 
I hope you are happy. I hope my misery makes up for what I did to you. 
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Unarmed

February 24, 2016

I am truly ashamed, of what I’ve done. Looking back there’s hardly a thing I wish I couldn’t turn around. Everything I’ve done feels wrong. Being here feels wrong.  It’s as if I’ve lived my life all wrong and done wrong to some wonderful people I came across. And that has demeaned my life completely. I’ve ruined my dearest. But remembering I realize how ruined things were along the way. I’m not blaming or even trying to justify myself even if it may seem so. It’s just I’m at a loss, how did it come to this? How could this be so nasty? Is this what I have to be in line for what I’ve done to him? How could I have done that? What was I thinking?
Truth is, I wasn’t thinking. Was swaying in the arms of another until I finally came to my senses. Called it quits as if it wasn’t that big of a deal and continued my relationship with R as if nothing happened. Not even once had it occurred to me I should confess. I was afraid to, living a lie wasn’t easy. But how could I have explained that it wasn’t because I no longer loved him? Just how. Over the months that followed fortunately we had the time of our lives, it was oh so wonderful while it lasted.
I was a woman torn between the terror that everything might change and the equal terror that everything might carry on exactly the same for the rest of my days.
 It was a prolonged bitter struggle. Soon we were fighting, he was no longer calling and by the third phase of our relationship this had become a norm. I knew him, I knew how he was. And although it was hurting I didn’t try to fix it in the same way as I had the previous times.  Deep down I was aware of my guilt. A part of me thought I deserved this after what I had done. I promised myself I would stay in this and suffer hoping that makes up for the part I’ve done wrong. Foolish of me to think that would work. Truth was I didn’t feel as guilty as I should, the guilt did not stay with me. And for a while I thought something was seriously wrong with me. It took a while before it hit me I might not be in love him the way I used to.  I concluded things at that. He began to change. Days turned into weeks and all we did was text, he did not have the time to call or meet up. I kept myself from complaining even when it drove me insane to not hear from him or to not be able to talk to him. Things were definitely not the same anymore. He was my best friend, my everything and I had my own guilty secret kept away from him. I had ended things as soon as I realized nothing was worth losing R over. Absolutely nothing would be worth losing him. He was the finest, in his own fucked up way. And I loved him for that in my own fucked up way. Except there may be times I could have been a better girlfriend and may  have failed to be there for him numerous times the way he needed me to. I had to love better before I wrecked us up.
Eventually, when he was absent from my life and took a while in returning from being indulged in his solidarity which I had no clue of, I got distracted by another man. Who gave me more time than he did. Who spent so much time with me that I only slightly missed R. And this was working fine for both of us, he failed to be there for me and I stopped annoying him with my complaints. I filled up that void by new company. We were friends and remained friends. Although there may have been feelings involved we both did nothing about it. Things moved up to the point where I sat right next to R and kept texting my SOS. Nights where I’d be sleeping with R and snuck out to call my so called friend SOS. What the hell was I doing. None of this was me. Absolutely none. I had changed. Changed into a person who no longer cried and stayed home depressed when R had no time for me. I finally had my own life with people R no longer knew of and this made me sad but truth was he was no longer there for my day to day updates. Of course he had work and all that but I had gotten a bit ahead and it was too late for him to catch up and I didn’t understand how I could tell him I had a new friend. It certainly wasn’t loneliness that drove me to SOS. I didn’t want to be the girl who would have nothing, when R leaves once again.
I thought these were valid reasons. But we’re never on the same page. I wonder how we’d do at couples therapy, who would take blame for what. That would be very interesting, more now since that will never happen. I did tell him about my new friend eventually. To my surprise, he was very diplomatic about it. Admitted to how aware he is of his absence in my life. I apologized for keeping this from him for so long. After that it didn’t take very long for me to get sick of waiting around, I got sick of not knowing what’s ahead. I got sick of uncertainty. And for the last time, I ended things with R. My cheating had nothing to do with this decision of mine. It just felt like we were going no where and he was never around and I was no longer the same person. I had changed. He had changed, he drove me away and this time for a change I was eager to get away. In the beginning he was kind about it, like any other guy he mentioned all the you deserve better’s and with advice to choose the next one wisely and what not, in hopes to remain friends. Even so, it did not take long for the hatred to kick in. Soon there were accusatory “you wasted three years of my life” texts. Well I’m sorry? I never accused you of wasting my time when you broke up with me so many times before. I do it once and I’m wasting your time? Ok.
And two months into the break up he found out I cheated on him and all hell broke lose. I denied all his accusations until I had proof he knew for sure.
My god. I should have known better, after all living is making decisions and dealing with the consequences.I don’t know why I’m writing this. Life has lost all its meaning and it’s been more than six months into the break up and so much has followed and yet there’s not a single day I do not think about him. I want to hate him but how could I? That man loved me, with all he had. And I blew it because I was looking for more. It’s such a shame to be bitter over what happened and stating these, the joke is on me obviously. Everything has become an embarrassment.
I’d told him once, someday he would watch me suffer, and he’d find pleasure in my suffering.
Today certainly is that day.
Though the brain says all is well, the soul is lost, confused, doesn’t know why life is being unfair to it.
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Last Breath

February 14, 2015

This is the end of me. This is where I give up. This is where I lose all my hope. This is where I’m done hoping for better. This is the point of no return. Just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get worse it does. I’m not even living anymore, just existing. Breathing because I don’t know just when it would be my last breath and gosh if I knew how to get there any sooner what I wouldn’t do to. What I wouldn’t do for this to be my last breath. Let it be heaven or hell. I just can’t live anymore. There’s absolutely nothing to live for. Not myself, not anyone else. I had hopes. I had dreams. And now I can only dream of dying and getting rid of this world. I do not belong here. I don’t fit in. I’ll never fit in. I’ll never be understood or accepted. This is absolutely not where I want to breakdown in tears. Not here, not anywhere else. I just can’t. I cannot ever. Just please, I beg you please. Let me die in peace.

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Words.

February 09, 2016

 

I have been struggling to express myself for the past couple of weeks. I was guilty. Guilty of my thoughts and the way I felt about life. Truth is, I’m a person who likes to express myself. But my thoughts always end up on Twitter, Tumblr or here. I’ve been doing this for a long time, this is not something I started doing yesterday because I found someone. None of these efforts are to impress anyone. This is all for me. And none of this is a desperate cry for attention. That’s where people misunderstand me. And who am I to go on correcting others about their views on me? That’s not who I am. You could tell me anything and I’d nod in silence because my efforts in explaining things to the world or even the closest of all are miserable failed attempts. What I’ve learned in the past couple of weeks is that nobody will truly understand you. You can go on and waste hours telling them your story but they’ll only listen to the things they want to hear. And the words that come out from your mouth until it reaches their ears it might perceive a complete different meaning. They’ve got to be you to know you. For example, people who see my pictures on Tumblr and Instagram, they’ll judge me. But the fact is I’ve been like this since forever and the gossips have just recently caught on. Doesn’t change who I am. It’s just my way of life. My faith is still intact and so is my heart. And I’ve got nothing to prove. 
Telling people about you is a complete waste of time. If they want to get to know you, stop telling them your stories. Instead spend time with them. Do things you enjoy together, eventually you’ll find what you need to. In this small town rumors fly. But anyone who’d believe any of the bullshit that’s been going around does not deserve your company or even your smile. I’m not perfect. I have fucked up and I have fucked up big. I have hurt people I love the most. And no sorry in the world could take their sorrow back. But I am so sorry. And the circle goes on. Karma comes right at you when you least thought of it. I am someone who will always be able to take responsibility for my mistakes. 
I was a fool to think my Mr. Big could forgive me. But even if he couldn’t he didn’t have to sleep with my best friend, twice. And to pretend none of that happened. Did I deserve that from the two people I loved the most? Perhaps not, perhaps yes. But it happened. And here I am. That changed everything for me. I am one of the most trusting people, but this changed it for me. There’s not a single soul you can trust out there, you can love someone with all you’ve got and still eventually fuck up. Let’s face it, we are humans after all and we make mistakes. We learn from them. But going around telling everyone that the girl you were with for the past few years is a whore/gold digger/prostitute…etc., what the actual fuck is that? For sure when you’ve spent a certain time loving someone they see you truly naked, with your deepest flaws and ugliest secrets. But to exaggerate them and to spread this around just so you can belittle her and make sure she never finds another soul who’d love her, what is that? I didn’t have it in me to stand up for myself, I didn’t see any reason to. Because all these were coming from a guy who most openly posted my nudes on his Instagram while we were dating, for his amusement and call me stupid but I was okay with it until my friends scolded me to death. They helped me see what was wrong. I was so okay with anything that he was okay with. That wasn’t love, it was stupidity. And once asked to remove them we had a huge row and he commanded that I never send him any such again. And as a girl who loved to photograph I was heartbroken. The one man I was most willingly giving myself for no longer allowed me to be so open. 
He had threatened me to not post shit anywhere last week, shit as in posts about him or tweets aimed at him and such or else he’d make my life a living hell and make flyers of my whoring around apparently. His words, not mine. You know what sweety, you are my hell. And I most respectfully have walked with you in hell. But I’m done. I’m done letting your threats take the tolls of my life.
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The Lonely

December 24, 201

Crying off my face again.

The silent sound of loneliness

Dancing slowly in an empty room,

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby.

Let you go and let the lonely in

To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside

For the pain of one more loveless night.

Cause the loneliness will stay with me

And hold me till I fall asleep.

Broken pieces of

A barely breathing story

Where there once was love

Now there’s only me and the lonely.

I’m the ghost of a girl that I want to be most.

I’m the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

I go into major meltdowns in the worst moments ever. Like last week I cried while looking for a cab ‘cuz I was calling all the centers and no bloody taxi was available and no one was stopping from the road and I was trying to call my mom so I could ask a cousin to give me a ride and she wasn’t picking up and nor my brother and it was just a couple of minutes left for my speedboat to depart and I couldn’t miss that. Because in that moment I felt as hopeless as one can be. Missing a speedboat might not sound like the worst thing that could happen to you but it was, for me. It’s the little things that makes me realize that I’m all I have and if I don’t make it nobody else will make me.
And tonight it was while I was waiting for the freaking speedboat. I was asked to show up at 18:45 and I showed up at 18:30 ‘cuz I wanted to be safe and better early than late right. So I waited and waited. Until 1900hrs I stood there in one spot without moving with hands full of bags with toys for Christmas presents and I was about to cry. I’ve been in Male’ since 11 am and I quickly did all my tasks so I could catch an early transfer back. And hoping they’d appreciate it. I was done by 3pm and this is what I could get on. You do all these things for a job you get paid and you love the job but just don’t expect them to look after you as a human. You’re a subject to the company. They could care less about any human need that you might have. I took the task cuz they asked me if I could and I didn’t want to say no cuz that would mean I’m not capable and I am. I’m still on my probation and I have to prove myself. While I waited there for the whole thirty minutes Id see people pass by and you know id have loved someone to have waited with me. But there isn’t anyone who would. It’s so sad how lonely we really are in these moments that we need someone the most. People would stare pity or walk by too closely. But who’s saving me from them, no one but me. It’s always been like this. Nobody has ever stood up for me or been with me through things that had mattered the most. Why I have no faith in relationships or marriage. I’ve been in them. And they made me weak and gullible. No matter how big the need for another maybe I’m not giving someone the power to exist and disappoint me ever again.

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In the Past

December 20 , 2015

A year back gosh I was so in love with someone. It seemed like he was all that Id ever need. But then when he caught up with me I wasn’t in the same place as I used to. Of course the habit of loving someone lives on but things had changed and I had changed. And I ended up being unfaithful to the person that meant the whole world to me and there was no way for me to fix it. I’d call it a mistake but it’s my doing. It’s on me. Even though it hurts I know I blew it and there’s no fighting back for the love I couldn’t respect. And when there are days I wish to undo what I did and go back to how things were, I know that’s not how things work. There’s no going back and fixing something you already smashed into pieces. I could try to glue them back but the constant reminder of how I fucked up would always be there. He forgave me but there’s no way he could look over it. So we called it an era and tried to move on but somehow he’s always there. It’s hard to stay away from one another ‘cuz we were a huge part of each other’s lives for so long there’s just no quitting. So we continue to be there for each other.
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It gets better.

December 19 , 2015

I understand how hard life can be. Daily struggles and disappointments. But believe me when I say it gets better because it really does. The trick is to have faith and believe in your life. No matter how horrible no storm lasts forever. If not for these storms and hurricanes we wouldn’t know what the ray of a new day brings. It’s about appreciating the little things. Be blessed there’s a roof under your head and you have beautiful clothes. Be blessed you have a pillow under your head and a blanket to warm you during the night cold. Be blessed you have a family that loves you and no matter what has happened in the past would miss you despite everything when you’re gone. When you’re in the middle of all these anything that happens or that you go through affects everyone around you. And although they may not always have the right words to cheer you up they never stop wishing the best for you. Appreciate the love that surrounds you, from the little things you own to the meals you take. If you fail to see what you’re blessed with you’ll deny any betterment that comes your way. So please at least for my sake believe me when I say it gets better, of course life is hard but better days are ahead insha’allah. Because everyday I pray and hope for a better life and I’d always ask you to do the same. We never understand what the other person is going through but everyone lives through their own hell. Grieving for the lost ones to the dignity you cannot claim back. No sorrow can be compared and no sorrow is greater. Pain is pain, hurt is hurt. Don’t tell me you’re hurting more. We are all hurting in our own ways and some do not show or talk about it. Respect everyone’s misery and pray for them. For if we do not support each other we’d fall apart. And if you dare tell me it never gets better and everything is pointless I despise you. Because the faith I so loving hold so close to my heart relies on my sanity, and if this sorrow lasts forever I honestly do not know what I’d do. I’d eventually give up too and I don’t want to. So please for my sake, believe in yourself and believe in your life. We never encounter obstacles we aren’t strong enough to endure. Better things are yet to come, I promise. 
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December 06, 2015

I was wrong, I’m not fine. Never will be, not without him. For the first time ever I fucked us up and fucked up big. I destroyed the best thing that had happened to me.

I cheated on him, I shouldn’t have. Nothing I do can change facts now. I need to accept it and suffer. I did not cheat on him because I no longer loved him. I absolutely had no reason to, it was the most selfish and inconsiderate thing that I’d done which I’d never be able to forgive myself for. Normally I’m okay with mistakes. I never get into anything without realizing the consequences of the things I do. And I immediately back away from anything I wouldn’t be able to handle the consequences off.

I ruined us, I ruined him.

There aren’t any words that I know for the emptiness my soul has been left with. After everything that I’ve done and has happened I think it was best of me to let him go. I no longer had any right to keep him or the love he could offer. Even so, feelings don’t just vanish into thin air. I am to live the rest of my life knowing I crushed the only love of my life. 

That’s got me thinking, maybe that is who I am. That person who ruined her reason to exist with no fault of another but her own only. Not the first time I’ve betrayed someone who meant the world to me. 
I’m disgusting, I don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve good people in my life. Only a matter of time before I eventually fuck everything up.
I crave emptiness, I crave solitude. I crave to be unloved, untouched and unknown. This isn’t whom I thought I was. But I am what I’ve done. It’s all on me, I have no right to even apologize because I was never stupid enough to not know what the hell I was doing. Everything is done and I’m left with nothing but the guilt of killing the only love that only mattered. I have no excuse. 
Sorry that I was never worthy enough, sorry that I still find you as amazing as the first time I met you. 
Sorry that I am unable to undo my wrong doings. 
Sorry that I am unable to unlove you.
Sorry because I’m still very much in love with you and sorry because those words will never hold the same meaning which they once did.
Sorry that I am unable to go on..
Sorry that you will always be The One.
Sorry that I still exist. 
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Casual Feelings.

November 25, 2015

 Isn’t it funny how when you start talking to a complete stranger there’s all this excitement and enticement. And then once you know them a little better you’re scared to get any closer ‘cuz you’re afraid you’ll end up liking them too much or not liking them at all. Like there’s nothing right to do at this moment? You gotta risk something. And you’re of course curious to fucking know more. So you put yourself ahead a few steps, just enough to see them a little closer, and your heart sinks a little when you see nothing you hate, but everything you like. And now you’re thinking you should put it all behind and walk away because let’s admit it, he’s gorgeous and so so sweet and so kind. And you’re a sucker for these qualities. And you’re already playing out in your head how you get so attached to him and he leaves you behind at one point. You know you wont like it, so to eliminate all the possibilities of that happening you distant yourself. And then they question you, what happened? did i do something wrong? if so I’m so sorry? and you go like no no sweety it’s not you it’s just me I just couldn’t afford myself to get to know you any better and they tell you it doesn’t make sense. Because not everyone knows how scary it is to let someone new into your life and to watch them walk away with bits and pieces of your stories. You might know how it feels to be left with nothing but memories to cry on, but they won’t. And for some it isn’t even a big deal. So what, you chit chat a little and forget about it in a week. 

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