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It’s frustrating how our future relies on a piece of paper.

April 12, 2016

Perhaps I am in no place to voice my opinion on this matter considering never having worked with Recruitment or Human Resources, though something I have been told repeatedly ever since I joined working is that jobs should not be changed frequently. It is somehow the rarely spoken Golden Rule of any employee. In fear of lack of commitment and inconstancy being interpreted on your résumé.
However I cannot bring myself to completely agree with this ethical conduct. Why must we continue in a job that does not make us happy only to portray how reliable we are on our résumé? Why must we tolerate harassment to complete our contract? Why must we refuse a better offer and halt miserably to pass probation. Looks to me like we are wasting our valuable time while we could have worked towards a better achievement. What is indeed an acceptable, reasonable amount of time we should work in one particular organisation for? Two years or more? If so that is a lot of time to spend on a dead-end job. If you have already acquired sufficient experience in your field even three months on a dead end job is a complete waste of time. As employees why should we stop looking to grow and go further.
I can assure you that if you take good care of your employees they wouldn’t want to hop jobs. There are often times when the job happens to be great, the pay is great, but the team and the leaders aren’t. A good team is essential in order to work better together. Seldom you find yourself more content and happy in a job that pays less but where you are well appreciated with good people and good energy around you.
I see no reason we must forbid ourselves from taking chances when we aren’t quite satisfied with where we are when better things could be coming your way? How would you know what you’re missing out on if you won’t take these chances? Opportunities come and go but if you deny to step outside the box you just might miss what you’re looking for.
All I’m trying to say is I don’t quite understand or agree with the fact we have to stay in a dead-end job to complete a year or more just so it looks good on ou résumé to prove our commitment.
Maybe I am wrong, and there are some insights I’m missing. But this is just my opinion.
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March 27, 2016

Not that I’ve been losing sleep over it, but I miss him. You’d think after almost eight months it’d have toned down a whole lot. It hasn’t. Just not completely, nights and days in whims of what is and what could have been.
I’ve made my peace with what is, I haven’t forgiven myself for what I did and I never will. I know we still are very young and there’ll be countless times we’ll end up fucking up without considering the many factors of consequences. Our immature actions will end up costing valuable relationships and trust. But these are all lessons; these are all heartbreaks to gain from. It’s not always about losing a boyfriend. Sometimes it’s more, it’s losing the friend you had in him too that will give you an ache that lasts longer than a heart-break does. Someone whom I used to bombard with my life for years had now left and gone off becoming someone I never knew at all. Along with his absence he’s left a certain kind of darkness for me to live with for forever to come. And it’s painful; it hurts my ego knowing I am held responsible for the damage that’s caused this. This also could be a little about wanting to have what I can no longer have. When I broke up with him I honestly did not put much thought into it, we were hanging by a thread and I knew sooner or later this would be it and I just couldn’t have him walk out on me again, that would’ve killed me. I was certain this wasn’t what I wanted to settle for. I was certain I had given enough of myself only to be shot over and over again. I knew it was going to hurt and there were going to be days I really miss him and all. But I was certain I had compromised enough. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I knew days would come where I’d wish to go back and undo this, but I thought I would understand. 
See, we let them go hoping someone better will eventually come along. What we fail to realize is that someone better will never truly know us the way what killed us did. There’s no way they’ll understand how fucked up you are or how much of a pain in the ass you can be at times. There’s no way another could love you after seeing how horrifying yet beautiful you are. 

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Of you.

March 18, 2016

I keep thinking about going back, going back to all those times where I felt nothing but happy with you. I wish I could undo what I had done so I’d still have an opening in your life. I love you. I’m sorry.
Would you’ve kept me happy had I not cheated? Would you’ve treated me all right if Id not cheated? Would you? No. You wouldn’t have. We’d been dating since 2013 and you’ve called me a slut long back when I’d done nothing wrong. You’ve ditched me multiple times. Argued with me horribly for the most pointless things. I was always too much for you. You were always on the edge with me. And lately I had to not say or not call or just not be around at all ‘cuz I didn’t know I dint know how to be myself without you getting mad at me or leaving me for no reason. You had broken my heart and left me when I most needed you. I just didn’t want you to leave again. But I ended up losing you anyway. Luckily I’d grown and learnt to not run after you. I could keep writing about you until I fall out of this. But even today, all my thoughts are of you.

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After every fuck up.

March 16, 2016

I know you’re mad. You have every right to be. If I were you I’d never speak to me again. I’d just run as far as I could and never return no matter what feelings I may have. Cuz no body deserves to be treated like the way I treat you at times. However inconsiderate however pissed that’s no excuse. And I’m sorry so very deeply. But that’s the thing. It’s like the person who hits you once will cry and shower you with flowers when they are guilty and yet do it again. And the cycle will repeat. When they buy you flowers you think they are good again and would never hurt you. That’s not true. They would. Cuz they have their own issues and you just happen to be the easiest person to bash on since you willingly stand in the way of the person and their life hoping you could make things easier for the other. But you’re wrong. They don’t want you or even need you. At times they’d miss you and that’s the most. And there’ll be times they are so loving but that won’t last cuz whatever’s eating them up will always be there and will strike eventually and you’ll always be the victim. And I don’t want to treat you like that. I’m so sorry for the things that I say and the words that I do not mean.

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March 14, 2016

If you only knew, if you only knew what I truly want. I want a family. A loving husband whom I can spend rest of my days with. A home. Someone to come home to. Someone worth learning to cook for. Children, a marriage, a life. That’s what I want. A freaking Life, god damn it! That’s all I want. I don’t enjoy packing my bags and leaving from one place to another. This isn’t living. It’s exhausting. I hate packing, I hate new places, I hate new things.
 But I’m too afraid to admit or say it out loud, because I’m not sure if I’ll ever have any of these. Wanting things you’re not sure of ever having is terrifying. What if you get all your hopes up and realize far too late that none of this is in the cards for you. I don’t feel good enough to want any of these things. So I’m not looking.
I am no longer living, just existing. Because my life has lost its purpose and I don’t see any reason to live for, anymore. 
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13319769_1199564780054561_2457988478265725119_nMarch 09, 2016

It bothers me, it bothers me so much that after everything that went down you still find it okay to be friends with my friends. After everything you’ve said at me, you find it okay to be coy with my friends. You find it okay to comment silly cute things on my best friends Instagram. You had the courage to wish me on my birthday, even indirectly eleven minutes past twelve. I was over the moon to wake up and find the screenshot, at first. I wanted to say Thank You, but instead I replied “It took him 11 minutes, to wish me? What’s wrong with him. Does he really think the weird and disturbed gold digger deserves a Happy Birthday? Not another fuck in the ass? Balaaeh.” And then I said to my friend how I didn’t understand she could be so cool with him, not after how he turned things around.
That’s when I realized, I don’t hate him. Not even a bit, not even at all. When I really should be outraged and furious at him, I am not. When he should be furious at me, he’s not. A part of him isn’t, if not he’d have never wished me. So how can I expect my friends to remember all the shit he said at me when even I don’t mind it. How fucked up is that. My friends only remember how much he means to me. He truly means the most to me. No matter how horribly we’ve ruined each other and everything around for us. He’s still special, so fucking special.
But later in the conversation he had asked her to not pass the message, that he’s had a change of heart, when she replied it was too late, he replied “Shit.” Well damn right, it’s shit. Everyone expects us to be going in circles but this time it’s different. It has to be. We’re never going to forgive each other, ever.
And here I am going over everything @ 9 am on my 23rd fucking Birthday while listening to “To Bid You Farewell by Opeth.”
Devotion eludes
And in sadness I lumber
In my own ashes I am standing without a soul
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Me in his T.

March 07, 2016

How do you know when you’re over someone? How do you know when your heart no longer hurts over them? You keep yourself busy until you forget what you’re actually dealing with yourself here. And then you hear that name you’ve been dreading for weeks and you flinch.  
When will I be able to hear his name and not flinch? It’s not the flinching that’s worse, it’s not knowing when. It’s not knowing for how long this would go on. See, we’ve made a full circle here. Strangers to friends to lovers and then to friends and enemies and back to strangers. When it’s all said and done, we are at where we started. Like nothing, we never existed.
So I ran far away from all of this not having to deal with it daily. But then there comes these moments where I stumble upon an old picture or a dried flower and here I am.
So what am I really doing if I am not moving forward? Staying put because what’s ahead terrifies me more than what I’ve left behind?!.
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Paper is patient, when people are not.

Had my heart-broken so many times that I’ve lost count, all my life I’ve felt like nothing but a burden to everyone around me and I hated that feeling so much. I kept pretending I could take care of myself and I keep failing and failing.

I know life is never easy but sometimes it’s kind and other times it’s just brutal. I know I’ve made mistakes, a lot of them. Horrible ones and some very bad decisions too but I learnt from them, I did. And I tried to make things right but I just suffer too much in the process it’s almost like no one cares or forgives and some just don’t forget.

“Let me just stay here for one more night, build your world around me and pull me to the light but we had time against us, miles between us. The heavens cried.”
I’m not surprised, not everything lasts.
I’ve broken my heart many times, I stopped keeping track

“Wherever you are, whenever it’s right. You’ll come out of no where and into my life.”
“Because there’s never a right time to say goodbye.”
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March 07, 2016

I don’t understand how people hold grudges against some for the longest periods of time. I have never been able to do so. There are people whom I hate for certain things they’ve done. But I don’t wish them ill and if they come up and talk to me, chances are I’d talk back too. To hell with what they’ve done. They’ll catch their own Karma. It’s not my responsibility to make them realize what they’ve done. If they are good people they’ll come to the realization without someone else having to explain why what they did was wrong. Their own voice is the best response they can get, not someone else.

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Fuck, 23.

13331048_1199549676722738_3314730540458641672_nMarch 03, 2016

Twenty Three. Twenty Fucking Three. Wow! I could so easily freak out right now. I mean Life, was supposed to be something else. I thought I’d be further ahead from where I am right now. And a week ain’t changing nothing. Have I failed? Or is it too late to accomplish everything that I have always wanted to? It’s going to be another year of nagging from my mom to find a spouse. When you are a girl you are expected to get married and start a life at a certain age apparently. But how do you work and find someone to be fully committed to. How do you do both? Without cancelling each other?.
I remember when I was seventeen, I couldn’t wait to grow a year older so I could finally get married. Not that I had anyone picked out. I just loved the idea of getting married and moving away. Was a little too eager to start over and that was when I was only eighteen. Little did I know marriage wasn’t just play. It was real and it ruins everything. 
Now every time I attend a wedding, I am asked when the hell is my turn? Erm excuse me? Do you not see that I am here all by myself? When I finally start bringing someone along with me to family occasions and functions it might be appropriate to ask me when my turn would be. But not right now, y’all keep pissing me off and driving me away with all your stupid questions like, you’re so beautiful why are you single. You wanna know why I am single? Because I am too bloody fucked up for anyone. I can’t burden someone else with all my shit. And beautiful only gets you laid or fucked in the ass. Beautiful never gets you married unless you’ve sorted yourself out. So let me do my sorting out for now. I mean c’mon, not everyone gets it right. You end up making the wrong choices too often and that wastes years of your life. Now look at me, see I’m still hung up on someone I met three years back. It doesn’t look like I’ll be over him anytime soon. And I’m not even trying, honestly I can’t do the relationship thing anymore. I let someone wreck me, it took him three years and here I am, broken, beyond repair.
So no, I do not believe everyone ends up with the perfect one. I doubt there is someone out there for each and every one of us. Sometimes you’ve just got to settle, for a kind caring heart. Hoping everything else might fall into place eventually. Crossing your fingers for shooting stars and fireworks to happen during your first kiss. You can only wish something as real could happen. But it’s not guaranteed. Often we end up disappointed and in unhappy marriages. And I never want to be that girl, I’d rather spend the rest of myself alone, by myself. I might not be the happiest, but at least no one else would be responsible for my happiness. 
Also,  since we all follow the cliché rule “age is just a number”, everything could still fall into place. Weather you’re 23 or 63. It could happen. But damn I’m getting old. All I can think of are  saggy titties and wrinkles. Oh the horror! And 23 leaves only seven  years till thirty. Ohmygod. 
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