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Goodbye.

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November 12, 2015
Hi..
I just wanted to tell you that how sorry I am. I am not asking you to take me back or look past it. Just making it clear that it kills me everyday knowing what I’ve done. I never meant for things to turn out this way. i’m so sorry. Just please know you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and no one is replacing you. I’m so thankful for the time we’ve had. The memories shall forever live on. I didn’t know how to punish myself for what I’ve done. I deleted my blogs, hoping to delete every evidence of our existence. It broke me to destroy all the work & effort, but I did anyway. I guess because that’s what I did to us as well. Words cannot express how much I regret my actions. I’m just sorry I ruined everything. Knowing that nothing could ever happen between us or be the same again is just painful.
But I wish you all the best, thank you so much for the past few years. Lost my right to tell you how much I loved you the moment I disregarded our existence.

Goodbye.

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Ugh.

 

September 11, 2015

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This is an old screenshot for me to have but I still do, I’m in no rush to delete all the evidence of us dating. This was one of those rare moments where he told me he loved me, and I instantly screenshot ‘cuz this in fact was the first time in weeks he’d said such. It lit up my world, but now that it’s over this brings back a warm memory. Why couldn’t he live up to these words, why couldn’t he fight for me like I fought for him. Or was I too hasty in giving up? Was I wrong to end things? I had my doubts. Still do at certain times of the day. But then he blocked me on IG today. Unfriended me on Facebook a couple of days back, unfollowed me and finally blocked me on Instagram. And how do I know these things? Because I check, duh. It was so hard for me to find his handle once he’d blocked me, cuz the useless piece of shit hadn’t commented many of my pictures. Not even the stupid video I complied with pictures of us for our third phase. People are right to judge, whoever observed us wouldn’t find it hard coming to the conclusion I was the only one going nuts over him while he lived a life that barely existed me. I was fine, just gloomy that he’s acting out. Why should he? He’s walked out on me a million times leaving me in pieces and never has he acknowledged or cared for my feelings. So why the fuck am I feeling so bad? Do I still have feelings for him? Yes I fucking do! Do I want him back? Hell no? The world is already shitty, don’t need another person to make it worse. I’m usually the one blocking and removing him cuz I can’t stand to watch him so fucking fine without me. I’m not fine without him either but you’ve got to stay strong. Relationships end, people die. It’s not the end of the world. I tried. I gave it my best, I gave it my all. It’ wasn’t enough. I failed. Doesn’t mean I stopped loving him, it just didn’t work. I needed attention and he had no time for me. It’s as simple as that. Now people can go on and tell me he never really loved me or he was just screwing me, I don’t care. It was love for me. Up until the point it ended. I was in love.
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August 18, 2015

It’s pretty hard walking away from the person you love. But sometimes it’s for the best. When you’re no longer making each other happy I guess it’s time you move on. Find better things. I did it. Never thought I’d even have the courage to ever, no matter how miserable I was. I didn’t think I had it in me to walk away without shedding a single tear. But I did. Guess all these years of mastering emotions helped. I’m happier now, lighter and feeling much better than I have in the past couple of months. He was a great guy and will always be the person I loved so so much. It just didn’t work out, we tried. I tried. All I’ve ever done in the past almost three years is try to make things work. And I almost got there, I had him. Every time he left me I’d hit rock bottom, I never thought I’d survive without him. But by being with me he drove me away, he was hardly there. I got used to his absence. I got  used to being on my own despite his role in my life. All these years I thought I’d find no one and nothing better than this, like this was it you know? Like he was The One and I wasn’t going to let him go, I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried to. Now when I look back I’m almost like wtf Ana. But I still remember the pain, the hurt, the tears. I remember everything. And it no longer makes me sad. Because I had the courage to love someone with everything I was. I gave him all of me. He was my world, he meant everything to me. His words had the power to completely shatter my world. And yet he failed to choose them wisely, despite knowing. I failed to see what he was doing to me. And even when I realized what was happening I thought he was the best I’d get. So I had to quit being a baby and shut up. But then recently I realized, I’ve been looking at this all wrong. A person who loved me should always treat me right, no matter what. They have to, don’t they? A person who fails to see my worth or doesn’t value me does not deserve me. No matter how hard I loved, I had to leave. So I did. he understood, leaving was always too easy for him. This time it was my move. And I don’t know what’s going to happen from here on, the uncertainty fucking scares me. But I did what I had to do. Leaving almost 3 years behind.
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The Life of My Soul – Mother.

August 18, 2015

 It’s me your daughter praying the rest of the years to be kind on you. Wishing you nothing but eternal happiness and asking for forgiveness for all the times I’ve let you down. I’m sorry Mamma. There’s no one I love in this world more than I love you and I often fail to show that. You’ve done a wonderful job with us. You’re the most amazing woman I know. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been to have taken care of us all by yourself, you’re a wonderful person. Loving and grumpy at the same time. All the things I used to question about you makes so much sense now. I’m sorry for so many things. I can only hope to become as strong as you are someday. I don’t even know how you do it, you amaze me and I fail to appreciate your efforts. I love you so much mamma.
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A message to the stranger I once knew.

July 13, 2015

 I missed you this morning, when someone failed to acknowledge my feelings. I missed you because you once did. That one time, and that was one of the few comforting moments of my life. You held me when I sobbed uncontrollably, without asking me why, without question you just held me and let me bury myself in your arms. And you whispered it was going to be okay, without knowing why I was so devastated. Thank you, thank you for that moment.  Thank You for not telling me how unreasonable i was being, thank you for not telling me how annoying that was, thank you for not telling me I was overreacting. Thank you for understanding, because to this day, you were the only person who’s ever been that kind. I’ll always reflect myself upon that night. When all hope is lost I’ll just close my eyes and revisit the memory and listen to your voice telling me it’s going to be okay. What you did meant the world to me. Sometimes all a person needs is a hug and to be understood in silence. That’s exactly what you did. I can never thank you enough.You saved me that night, from so much. And your faint memory will keep on saving me. 
Thank You.
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I befriended him – I

April 24, 2016

 I befriended him, I don’t know why. I don’t know why I don’t hate him as much as I should. Or as much as anyone else would if they were me. This is another story that has drastically changed my life and changed me on its course. Or one of the things that lead me to lose myself even more than I already had.
I was fifteen and it was September 26th, 2008. I specifically remember the date since was right before a friend’s birthday. I had just joined mig33, wasn’t aware at all about the community. Since it was trending and I enjoyed getting to know people I just went ahead with it, plus it killed time. And it was an escape from everything else and I  never had the chance to realize how critical it was. Telling someone you don’t know or might never know about yourself, there was something risky and dangerous about it and it was the kinda shit I dug. I was of course very very stupid.
About a week back, I got a call from a complete stranger, he said his name was Sina or something. I asked him how he’d gotten my number and he started being all cheesy about it, saying he’d tell me all in time. After some time he called me up again and asked me to meet up, in today’s world no one, even the stupidest one wouldn’t just meet up with a stranger. But I did, again I don’t know why. He was on a Harley Davidson. I was like whoa. Short and dark with long long hair and not good-looking at all. And looked so much older than I. After I sat on the back and he drove away. Introducing himself meanwhile. He told me why he wanted to meet up, I was so fucking relieved that he’d come clean. He told me I had messed with one of his id’s on mig33, and I didn’t remember ever messing with anyone but he was so sure and accused me of it. And apparently he wanted to get back at me for that by you know doing the worst thing you could ever do to a girl, but after seeing how casual and friendly I was he said he’d changed his mind. And all this in the first twenty minutes after I’d met him for the first time ever and still under his control. I was shocked and scared fuck thinking what the hell have I gotten myself into.

To be continued.. if I ever find it in me to continue. 

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This.

April 23, 2015

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I’m so hurt that I can’t even feel it anymore. I don’t know why it made me so upset, no one promised to make things easier. I am though, more mad even. At myself mostly. No I didn’t expect him to move on at all. I didn’t think he would, I didn’t think about it at all. And he has. And after all this time, I’m still in the same place. It’s no ones fault. But is this all I deserve? And no don’t tell me it gets better. ‘Cause it fucking did last night and now all of it is just taken away.
 
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If I could..

April 22, 2016

For once if I could not remember what day it is or what you were to me on this day several months back or even two years, that would be great. It’s not that I do not try, I meet other people I get to know them hoping to explore something I might love about them but, I see nothing, absolutely nothing. They only annoy me, even more when they start to find me interesting. You were the person who said you’d never need anybody again but I would, implementing I’d not be single for long ‘cause I’m the kind who always needs someone by her side and I would eventually find someone. No I’m not actually, even though it was nice having you around I’ve always been fine by myself, guys were there just to I don’t now fill up the air or something. And they make me miserable. Except you. I’ve never needed anyone the way I needed you. It’s true. And that makes you think I’m needy, sure some have come along and spoiled me like fuck but that’s past and gone. And I’m more myself now. And I’m happier the way I am, if only I could get over you. Today would’ve been another one of our monthly Annivs. Precisely two years since you gave me the heart-shaped dog pillow. Which you made fun of a year later haha.
If I could stop stalking you or find someone who’s a solid distraction things might turn around.
Just if I could, stop loving you. I would. 
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Dramatic Outbursts

When everythitumblr_nn0k94npj71tu4cyoo1_540ng sucks and you’re just too too depressed to go on you set all your hopes on this one little thing, just so that you don’t give up. Doesn’t matter what it is, sometimes it’s a pair of beautiful shoes or sometimes it’s a good book. And sometimes it’s a good song. For me my little piece of happiness had become this Polaroid camera my friends had gifted me as a birthday present. I asked them to not celebrate my birthday as it would remind me of a certain someone even more than I already do, but they did anyway. A little delayed though and certainly unexpected and yes it did make me happy. ‘Cause it’s them, my happy beans. Anyways the camera was black and I preferred white. We tried to make it work but there was an issue with it so had to give it back, and I asked my friend to ask them if they would change it for a white one and she forgot, and later I went with my friends to ask if they could. Bitches said they couldn’t, did they know that this would make my day or my whole fucking year if I could have a white one of the same model? But they don’t fucking care ’cause why should they. Why would they think a 22 year olds life depends on this little piece of plastic. But it did. I almost cried when they said they wouldn’t be able to change it. I love white! I thought my friends knew that and I was a wee bit disappointed that they didn’t. It’s just almost like the time when my mother returned from hajj she brought this beautiful diamond ring for my brothers girlfriend and for me it was a one with flowers. Why did my mother not know I wouldn’t wear something like that? Why didn’t she know? I preferred the other ring much more and I definitely didn’t want to cry about it but it made me so sad I kinda burst into tears unwillingly in front of my mom. I’d never forget that day, she must’ve thought I was such a baby. The ring wasn’t the issue. The issue was she not knowing what I would’ve preferred. The issue was my mother didn’t know me at all. Back to the camera, so yeah I almost cried because I would’ve loved a white. And then I kinda died inside for a few minutes, but then I thought they went through the whole effort to give this to me. I can’t not appreciate that, I put on my happy face for real and we tried to test it. Bitch failed. I don’t know why, we tried for like forty-five mins. And there was even a little scratch on the lens but now I can’t take it back ‘cuz they’d think I did it on purpose to get a white one. I know how those mind sets would work. So I ignored it and convinced myself I was fine with it as long as it worked. I hope it works, I’ll probably try later tonight. And if it doesn’t I’m probably gonna smash it to the wall, but I can’t that would hurt my friends. I might as well keep it as a souvenir.

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On a Wednesday Night

April 15, 2015

Vacation is over and I’m bored, even though I’m glad to be back starting fresh. Been sick of the routine for a while and things are kind of complex for now with a major career move on my hands and still not sure what to do about it. I sure as hell want it but in my own time. Need to be careful to not take too much time with these things though. Opportunities don’t wait. It requires timing and while I’m fond of procrastinating now is not the time. I hope I’m able to do this.With too much free time on my hands and with a proper sleeping a pattern after ages I just don’t know what to do. I’m careful to not eat too much since I’ve made a habit out of eating chocolates and what not every time I’m bored. I’m finding myself reading more than catching up on TV shows, I’ve never been the kind to watch stuff, it doesn’t take long for me to be distracted if I’m watching something. I’ll be on my phone after twenty or something minutes. I prefer books with a smoke, and I have to do that in the bathroom. ‘Cause I can’t smoke in my room. And then I have to spray so much after to make sure it doesn’t smell like smoke. I wonder what my mom would say when she actually finds out I smoke and am not willing to stop, I don’t want her to find out but she eventually will. But then I’m an adult now and she might know better than to not ask me to stop. We keep getting into arguments every now and then, she keeps asking me to get married and I sure as hell wanna although I keep telling her I’m never going to so she better forget about it. Must be hard for a mother.It’s funny that I thought things would get easier as I grow, somethings have. But then there’s the whole question of your future and choosing between cats and men. Cats always btw, I might be scared fuck of tigers but I love kittens. They are adorable and I’d love to have one if only my mum wasn’t so scared of them.Been back at work only two days and I’ve already redone the wall, bought new books. And a couple of comfy socks to keep me warm since I’ll be spending most of my time on bed from now. After duty that is. Life is so chill,and lonely, and sad, but really good. That won’t make sense to many. 
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