There is always the fear you will fail or there’s always the fear you aren’t good enough. Scared by countless possibilities, anything could happen and you spend your days worrying about the one thing that could go wrong in a day a hundred other things are going right. Like a final destination movie, you paranoia is bound to have you tied to a barrel sinking deep. 

I don’t know how to escape, I can’t run away from my mind. I can’t run away from who I am. And I can’t live with who I am. What are my choices? Suck it up in a world that keeps draining the life out of you, or give in and accept that this is how it always will be. Or for once stop ranting about your goddamn irrational issues and do something about it.

They will always lie to you, they’ll look right into your eyes and lie, why; I don’t know. Maybe because they are trying to keep something that doesn’t belong to them. Or they know they’ve lost but they can’t let go just yet. And when the truth comes out, which it eventually will you are only to lose something you have lost a long time back. So, in a losing battle, you always lie.

I remember the day my mother held me while I cried my soul to pieces the first time a man had broken my heart. I didn’t understand the pain. I didn’t understand the feeling. This wasn’t something I’d known, heartaches can be written endless songs and poems about. But only felt when it touches you. I was never the same again. I’m dying to go back in time, literally. I’m dying to be that girl who was so hopeful. I can’t find her in me anymore. I can’t find love in me anymore. I’m driven, not passionate. Everything I’m doing right now is so I don’t take a break and realize the mess I’ve made of my life.

It was more than that, it wasn’t just the words. I saw how terrified he was, we built a bubble of terror. I was terrified not knowing what was coming, he was terrified of what he was about to say. For even the strongest are vulnerable when they express their love, it was clear I could crush his soul right then and there. It was more than I ever asked for.

Where will I write my heart out. Where will I write all these things I’m dying to say out loud. Where will I write the truth when I’ve denied the truth a thousand times. To write the truth, you cannot belong to anyone. Your truth cannot limit to how a person would feel knowing it. It’s your heart right, hearts change. From day to night. I’ve never been sure of my heart. Only my mind. And my mind needs constant escapes, freedom. What have I done. I’ve let go of the man I could love, and lost the right to tell him how I truly feel. These tears won’t matter now. What have you done Ana. What’ve you done.

Rain, I love rain. Who doesn’t. It gets you all dramatic, me more than usual cuz I’m naturally living in my own movie. Reliving memories, playing songs from times.
We always say people are unpredictable and how some peoples presence or their uncertainty of being there drives you nuts. But aren’t we the uncertain, when do we know for sure what we are and what we’d do next.
I surprise myself the most. My feelings do.

At first, I had to alienate my entire family because I couldn’t stand being around them. And now it feels like it’s time I alienate my friends, because if they think all the worse things that you know about yourself out loud to other people, how can you live. I can’t go on like this. I need to die, asap.

I’ve been happier these days. Being happy gets me anxious because i know it will end and I’ll be feeling gloomy in no time.

Gloomy suits me better.

I flipped.

I wonder if this is something everyone goes through. If we all come across a time we hate our bodies, our faces and all that we’ve become. From victim to predator. From being abused to abusing others. From being yelled at to yelling at others.

How’re you not my friend, after everything.

Anyways, you’re not important anymore. Wait no, that’s a lie. You are. I can’t explain how but you’ve pushed me to do things I otherwise wouldn’t have done. My whole career started from your push, if you may not remember, let me remind you how you told me you wouldn’t talk to me until I completed my CV and stuck by through until I got it done. We’d agree to work on it and end up talking about everything else. But I got it done, you motivated me to. Things happened and awkwardness grew, but you were my friend always. Who hated everyone I dated and criticized them beyond, you never liked my choices and I can see why. We fought over the silliest things, you’d make me cry every night and then you’d do the sweetest things too. Why are we not friends anymore, how can you grow so distant? What did I do, Mo. I miss you. Not everyday not all the time, but because you’re no longer my friend. Because I can no longer text you hey and catch up. I get so excited every time I see you and then I remember no, no Ana, he’s not your friend anymore. And I can’t understand why. I miss you. I’ll always miss you. Our most random conversations. How you’d say hurtful things like I’m detached from reality. Or all the times we went to tsunami binaa and watched the sunrise even on the cloudy days. How you took me and my friends to Azur for the first time ever. I miss you like hell, as a friend. I miss you criticizing my life. I miss us fighting. I miss you being my friend.

You’ve broken my heart, friend.