Author Archives: MRYM

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28 February 2015

It was you, of course it was you. I was never meant to find you and love you like I did. It was not planned and it was the most unexpected twist in our lives and that was what made us so beautiful. It was the story, I was more in love with our story. Life will go on and I can bet on it that I’m never running into another soul who would ever be as sure as you were for the things you felt towards me after our first meet. That’s why I loved you, and then how you pleased me was just what I needed to drown myself in you for as long as it worked. And that’s exactly what I did. I’m barely breathing, gasping for air. 
It’s a mystery to many, why is it so hard Ana? What was so special about him? Nothing really, except how he loved me and broke his rules for me. And how he shared my pain and happiness. How he held me through the toughest and how crazy it made him to feel the things he did for me. How he eased my life with his presence. How he was my walking diary/journal. How he was my best friend/parent at times. How he came to pick me up all wet in the rain. Who else ever would?.
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Fuck My Life.

February 26, 2015

 

 I can never be happy with how I’ve turned out. I’ve always wanted to be strong and independent. I believe I am, but after so much has been ruined. It takes a lot of bullshit to immune yourself to the crap the world and the assholes spin for you, I think I’m finally there. I can take anything. Just not another heartbreak. They fucking hurt the most. My heart has been broken too many times yet it fucking beats, thank god for that. Thank god I didn’t have the courage to kill myself when everything was shit, thank god I lived.
Al hamdu lillah I survived.
 I’m sitting here at work with nothing much to do and I have this strange urge to list down the shitty things that has happened to me. Mostly because there’s just so many of them, and I don’t know how I’m so okay with everything that had happened.

When I was 15yrs old, I met this guy who tried to rape me but then grew so fond of me he decided to keep me around, under his terms. I sucked into his threats and blackmail, he kept trying to fuck me over and over. But it wasn’t easy since I was a virgin. He finally decided to fuck me in the ass since it wasn’t happening. So I was brutally fucked in the ass. My cries were ignored. Later I got knocked up by the same guy, I was sixteen and hopeless. Survived and took care of it on my own. It wasn’t easy. It was painful, a part of me fantasized of motherhood but I wasn’t ready. I went through all of this alone, I didn’t vent to anyone. Didn’t talk about it. I was sixteen. And in between all these I was abused continuously for three months by this guy my parents sent me abroad with, for studies. He came onto me when I slept and shit. It was fucking horrible, the worst of it was I wasn’t allowed to say a word of it to anyone. He fucked me up so bad, mentally, I was scared shit of him. Three months is a long time to live in a jail with a monster. I don’t know how I did it. It fucks me up even today to think how just how I managed without going insane. After I got rid of that I was sent straight back to the hell hole by my ignorant parents, and then I sort of lost my way. I was wronged  a couple of more times while all that lead me astray. And all of this when I was 15-16yrs young. 

So that’s how fucked up my  life has been.

I fell in love when I was fourteen, I was over the moon about it. but three months later I found out he was already with someone else and I was nothing more than a secret affair. I was completely shattered, my parents got divorced on the same day. Nothing would’ve been worse.
Many more guys came into my life, but anyone I ever loved, left.
When I was little I had a nanny, since my mom worked, my dad married  her, and moved out. I love my father more than anything. But he left me when I most needed him around, and he ignored the shit I went through even after knowing.
So I have daddy issues, and I’m insecure as fuck. But I survived all of these, without therapy. So excuse me if I’m still mourning over the one guy that I most wanted to stay. He’s the only person that would fix me. And I’m sorry if it’s annoying to see me sulk. Life has never been rainbows and butterflies. I’m only a baby when it comes to him. Every thing else I’ve handled, his absence is the hardest of them all.

 

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February 21, 2015

 There’s no denying I’m completely at loss without you. Life is good and work is well but without you everything’s a hundred times more meaningless. No matter what I did there’s this pit of emptiness, no matter how I tried I always end up here. 
So I cooked today, which is a huge deal ‘cause I never even go near the stove at all. And it turned out alright and all I could think was why, why isn’t he here. He should be, if there’s anyone I wanna share moments or days like this it’s you. I’m sorry everything went to shit. But even after being away I’m still all over the place without you, I vent to the wrong people the wrong things. You were my best Friend so at first I was so lost as to why I was feeling so lonely even when I had the most amazing people surrounding me except you. You were my anchor, you held me and guided me no matter what went wrong. You tolerated me. And you knew too much of me it’s impossible to even expect anyone else to ever know me like you did. We grew a little more together. And I know I’m supposed to start over, because it gets so lonely. But how do I when I’m too ashamed of myself, even with all my shit you found good in me. Nobody else would. I miss you. I will always miss you. Im tired of being strong. Tired of being okay with something that has ruined me.
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Au Revoir

February 11, 2015

 

Heard from someone after years, I can’t even remember how long it has been. Definitely 3 years or more. He was a huge part of my life when I was a teenager. We had great ventures together although we spent too little time. We’d talk for hours and hours whenever we spoke and I don’t know what we were. Friends or lovers or, it didn’t matter. I felt loved and cared and what not. He was amazing. I first met him through my school friend, he was her cousin brother’s classmate, much older than we were. And one night while my mum was away we decided to have a little dj. And he came too, and damn we danced. Ahaha it was the sexiest dance ever. This was in 2006 and i was 13. And then years later he texted me, in 2008 when he and his girlfriend broke up.
And I still hadn’t forgotten that dance we shared, nor had he. And even though I had a boyfriend at the time that didn’t stop me from seeing him. And thus began the most adventurous days of our lives. Sneaking around was so much fun with him, I wasn’t even scared. I loved the thrill. And then after about a month or two, he had to leave and I left abroad for my studies too. This was late 2008. And we stayed in touch through out. He was there when I needed him. And we made plans to see each other again in early 2012. And we did. And it was the best date ever. The most great, and then I did hear from him once or twice. But then he was gone. Completely gone. Without a trace. I did wonder what happened but I got over it. I was used to him not being mine. But he was a great person and I wouldn’t mind if I’d fallen for him. Luckily I didn’t, would have been such a massive heart-break. And about a year or two later I heard he was back in Maldives and married too. I’ve seen him around with his wife and I always look away, ashamed. Not knowing what went wrong.
But these messages made my day, what he had to say made my day. This was wonderful. And it probably is ‘Au Revoir’.
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Best Friends

February 07, 2015

I’ve been good. Not that you’ll ever care. But today  was one of those lonely in my mind days. I’ve learned to be strong by now, it’s not that it doesn’t hurt but because my feelings and emotions were ruled out as invalid by the people I counted on the most. My best friends chose you. Even after you broke my heart, it was hard enough being dumped and then having no friends at all to be gloomy with. Cutting them off wasn’t an option, I loved them. But they loved you more. I couldn’t imagine being nice to a guy who let alone hangout or remain friends with someone who shattered one of my best friends world. But they did, they love you and enjoyed your presence more. You break her heart I’ll break your legs wasn’t a thing anymore. So I was alone in my misery. I work away the whole week and come and meet my best friends who adore you. And it breaks me and when it does they don’t care to hold me. That’s when I questioned if I even had friends at all. Cuz it certainly didn’t feel like it when I was crying my eyes out in the next room all alone over their cruel comments. But thanks to them, I’ve learnt to hide my invalid feelings around the bunch who don’t care. Sadly they are my best friends for life. Love them, to bits.

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January 22, 2015

After almost 3 months, it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. I can finally say I see the possibility of living without you. Today would’ve been our 11 month anniversary. But we stopped counting long back. It’s true the pain has become more bearable now, and the flashbacks don’t come as often. And I’m beginning to understand why this was the best thing for both of us.
We both tried, and loved each other like hell. One of us just didn’t love enough to stay. 
Have a happy life you. You’ll always be ‘The One That Got Away’. 
I’ll still cry when I hear songs like Fix You & Won’t Go Home Without you & Unintended & Wicked Games and so much more. But they’ll always remind me of my happiest days. I’ve learnt that being happy for what had been would give me more closure than anything else. Found love at Nineteen, lost at Twenty One. 
Thank You for being a part of my life.

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January 13, 2015

They’ve been so inconsiderate of my feelings lately. I don’t blame them. I really love them. But they love him more. And he loves them more. I’m the only unimportant in between. How’d it come to this? This is nothing I ever imagined. I feel so cheated on. And the funny thing is they keep telling me that this is alright. Obviously I disagree, but that’s on me. I’ve lost everything, my man to my best friends. Just because I’m dramatic they under-estimate my feelings. Guess I’ll just have to learn to live like this.

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January 12, 2015

Will I ever get over this? The constant crying and abrupt reminders of his absence. Does that ever stop? Specially when all your best friends have accepted him as one of us. Now they’re his friends too. Sadly none of them understand what this is doing to me. It’s killing me, every single day. No one realizes how they are torturing me by keeping in touch with him. Apparently they’d all be okay if the roles were reversed and tables were turned. So it really is my fault for feeling too much or not handling my feelings. I blame him for the torture and I blame them for not understanding. I’ve never felt more alone. They were the ones that always lead me through the darkness, but now they’ve become the darkness and I no longer see any light at the end of this tunnel.
He ruined me by loving me and then leaving me. He’s the most stubborn person I’ve known and he gave up on me. Said he couldn’t do this anymore. I was too much.  I may have been but i swear I’m madly in love with  and if that makes me a pain I’m so sorry. He says he’s happier than he’s ever been, without me. As if I’m not hurt enough already he tells me how much better everything is, without me in his life. How do I cope with this? Just how?

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January 10, 2015

I thought I’d go sit by the sea for a smoke before I turned myself in for the night. It was half past two already, in the morning. There was hardly anyone on the streets, I think the cops were doing some drills and they’d closed most off the roads. Yay me. I had the whole place to myself. Kind of like when Bonnie and Damon were stuck in that hell, but this was blissful. I wasn’t even scared, only a little. Felt safer ’cause I kept seeing cops. I was thinking about him. That’s all I do anyway, but tonight was sadder somehow. Wherever I went there was something to remind me of him. And then the sadness sinks in and makes himself comfortable in me. Leaving me numb. Thought of calling him, but brushed off the thought afraid he might say something which might leave me more hurt than I already was or worse, he might not even pick up. So I sucked it all in and headed for a long walk, solo. Listening to Ghost Stories by Coldplay all the way. I knew I was strong. He was the only thing that kept shooting me down over and over.

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 December 26, 2014

Another sleepless night, surrounded with positive energy for a change.
He left me, so what? like they say, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. So I’ve had crappy days and shitty nights missing someone who obviously doesn’t miss me. Hopefully things will get better and I will be alright. I might die a little every time I think of him but that shall pass. Because life goes on even when people die. You cope with it, the pain never goes away but you get used to it.
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