Here’s an obsession I grew over a woman.

No, she wasn’t extra ordinary. No, she wasn’t breathtakingly beautiful. No, she didn’t have a kind heart or even a soul. She wasn’t a person I should be losing sleep over.

This was the woman I had implanted in my head to be out of this world. Why?

He would bring her up constantly, he would tell me she was around waiting for him, for him to give her a chance. She was ready to fight the world by his side. All he had to say was yes. This is a speech I’ve heard a hundred times and one that I didn’t like hearing. With every fall out he brings her up to seed this thought in my head that if I don’t give in now I would be losing him to her. The girl who portrayed perfection, the picture he drew was nothing less.

But she’s just another woman, one like me. No she doesn’t stand out in a crowd. But I grew insecure over the image I had built up in my mind. I obsessed over this and grew blue for days.

But then one fine day, she walks into the same cafè that I was in. I saw her and it hit me, she’s just like me. She’s ordinary as I am.

So don’t let men manipulate you into thinking you are any less good, they do this so you’ll lose yourself and your confidence and that’s only when they feel safe enough. How many men out there can handle a woman at her best? Let her fly and trust she’ll always come home to you. Do you really need to cut her wings off because you have your issues and you’d rather be certain than take a chance with this little bird you’ve fallen for? When you change who they are, they forget to fly. When you trap them, they forget all the amazing things they are.

Let them fly, let them love. Let them embrace their reality, just have faith.

To the woman who took my sleep away and broke my heart.

I won’t lie, I hate you. I hate your existence, I hate that you live in the same world that I do.

I hate that he still talks to you, I hate that he still lies to me about talking to you. 

I hate that he asked you to wait, I hate that he laughs with you.

I hate everything I don’t know about you two, and from the little I know, it kills me daily too.

I hate that you had to be there from the beginning till the very end, even when I wasn’t perfect, he saw perfection in you. 

I hate you live a life I envy, I hate that I put myself through this torture.

I hate that I can’t stop hating you, it must be maybe because I love him too. Maybe not as much, maybe not as dearly, but enough to keep me awake at night as the clock ticks away till another day.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing I am isolating myself from the world or depriving this world of my thoughts. Let’s just say I am tired of pretending to be okay and making excuses for other peoples behavior. I can’t do it anymore, I have neglected myself long enough my existence itself has now become critical. 

I know I know. They are human too, just like I am. They too have bad days. But the thing is, see I have had bad to horrible days consistently since I can remember. But never have I not been there for people who needed me. I’ll admit, it feels nice to be needed. It feels good to help someone cope. 

I can’t anymore, I need myself more than anyone else does and I can’t keep investing my energy on people who won’t be there for me when I drain myself. In life, you reach that point where you cant put yourself out there for granted anymore. If that means more and more lonely days then be it. If it means spending every possible weeknight alone at home then be that too. 

I live in constant heartbreak.

This was my passion, creating this window to my life was a way of going on. And now I can’t find the words that used to come to me effortlessly. I can’t write anymore, not even about myself, and it breaks my heart. It makes me hate the person who made this happen. 

The boat docks at Jetty 1 and I get off on the busiest road, no makeup, not even a fabulous dress – couldn’t be bothered with the dress and the makeup. I mean, what even for? For this shitty city? Pass.

Try to hail a cab, but have no luck – because cabs have their own lives and have no time for you just like you barely have time for yourself. Stop blaming cabs. Start blaming you.

Exhausted, I start making my way home. With the heaviest backpack carrying my pretty laptop which I bought years ago just because it was teal and I thought was the cutest because laptops need to be cute right? (I’ve seriously got to start making better decisions). Also with books, I thought I might feel like reading eventually but haven’t opened in years. 

The roads are a mess, the smoke, the traffic, the smell and the people, shooting scrutinizing glances – what do they see?

My anxiety rails. For the next twenty minutes, I feel like the biggest loser walking this earth.

Skidding through vehicles and ridiculous sidewalks, home is finally a little closer.
Crossed over to a more quiet but darker street now, I hold my purse tightly against my chest and make a little run home – my breakdown is officially a half an hour overdue. 

Isn’t this similar to life’s journey itself though? Aren’t we all struggling to get here, to surpass the mess life is and come home?

At the end of the day, week, month, or even year. You just want to be home, where it feels safer and less chaotic. And I’ve been homesick for a place I’ve never known ever since I can remember. My never-ending hustle to the other side.

You spend your whole life trying to live each day, trying to survive, trying to stay sane, trying to make it. For the sake of all those people who love you, care about you and maybe need you. And then one day, you wake up..

You’re tired, you can’t keep going, you can’t anymore, not a day more.

It’s so so painful, getting used to the world letting you down.

How selfless should one be, trying to stay alive because your death might hurt people you care about even when you’re dying everyday.

I hide here in my world, behind closed doors. My soul trapped in a body I hate with thoughts I wish I could erase.

My misery stretches beyond anything this world could fix.

It’s a sadness so deep I drown myself in it everyday, over and over.

Your apology is eight years too late I want to say, but I don’t. I tell you it’s okay. You ask me if I hate you, I reply that I don’t. Why would I. You were only such a little fragment of all the unfortunate things to happen.

I was young and naive, which was your excuse?

I’ve learnt that you don’t always have to be a people person, you don’t always have to be up for adventures and little get togethers, if you’re exhausted, let your body rest. Stop keeping up with the world, take care of yourself before anything. If time is necessary to heal take as much as it requires, if surviving becomes hard slow your pace but don’t stop, never stop.

I know how it feels to live on the verge of not wanting to be alive. Constantly trying to convince yourself to exist when your brain goes fuck this no.