I met someone so amazing that it feels like it’s a dream to have known him. The further away walk from him, I keep asking myself if I did the right thing. And in many ways, yes, it was the right thing. But it wasn’t the right thing for me, or him, as he’d said. I want to believe him, and I do. Even if I didn’t listen to him the last time we spoke. But what else could I have done? Sometimes you have to pull the trigger on your interests before you end up pulling the trigger on yourself. Love is strange yet it helps you grow. Love made me a better person in many ways. And losing that doesn’t mean all of it has to go away. I get to carry so much of what was wonderful. I get to carry the memories of our love. And for once, I’m reliving a happier time, even if it had to end.

I understand how frustrated a person can get when despite all your efforts they are still emotionally unavailable to you.

I know it’s over for us. I know. It’s just, my heart isn’t convinced.

Sometime in the future, I will forgive myself for being this way. But today, all I’m trying to do is figure out why I am this way.

Trying to replace a feeling, a person. When there’s only one of each kind, how do you replace someone perfect in every aspect yet was never yours.

My plastic smile fools everyone, and I know they don’t see I’m crumbling inside. I’m afraid if I make eye contact they’ll all know, they’ll all see my tear-well curtains attempting to barricade against the world.

How do I stop this feeling? How do I forget? How do I make it stop? I’m trying. I just can’t anymore. There’s no way I can make it stop. I want it to go away completely. I can’t handle it anymore. How did I get here? Was I always coming here? Why didn’t I realize this is where I was leading to all along? Why did I think it would all be okay in the end? How does a broken attempts ever equate to anything promising? I’m crumbling.