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Words.

February 09, 2016

 

I have been struggling to express myself for the past couple of weeks. I was guilty. Guilty of my thoughts and the way I felt about life. Truth is, I’m a person who likes to express myself. But my thoughts always end up on Twitter, Tumblr or here. I’ve been doing this for a long time, this is not something I started doing yesterday because I found someone. None of these efforts are to impress anyone. This is all for me. And none of this is a desperate cry for attention. That’s where people misunderstand me. And who am I to go on correcting others about their views on me? That’s not who I am. You could tell me anything and I’d nod in silence because my efforts in explaining things to the world or even the closest of all are miserable failed attempts. What I’ve learned in the past couple of weeks is that nobody will truly understand you. You can go on and waste hours telling them your story but they’ll only listen to the things they want to hear. And the words that come out from your mouth until it reaches their ears it might perceive a complete different meaning. They’ve got to be you to know you. For example, people who see my pictures on Tumblr and Instagram, they’ll judge me. But the fact is I’ve been like this since forever and the gossips have just recently caught on. Doesn’t change who I am. It’s just my way of life. My faith is still intact and so is my heart. And I’ve got nothing to prove. 
Telling people about you is a complete waste of time. If they want to get to know you, stop telling them your stories. Instead spend time with them. Do things you enjoy together, eventually you’ll find what you need to. In this small town rumors fly. But anyone who’d believe any of the bullshit that’s been going around does not deserve your company or even your smile. I’m not perfect. I have fucked up and I have fucked up big. I have hurt people I love the most. And no sorry in the world could take their sorrow back. But I am so sorry. And the circle goes on. Karma comes right at you when you least thought of it. I am someone who will always be able to take responsibility for my mistakes. 
I was a fool to think my Mr. Big could forgive me. But even if he couldn’t he didn’t have to sleep with my best friend, twice. And to pretend none of that happened. Did I deserve that from the two people I loved the most? Perhaps not, perhaps yes. But it happened. And here I am. That changed everything for me. I am one of the most trusting people, but this changed it for me. There’s not a single soul you can trust out there, you can love someone with all you’ve got and still eventually fuck up. Let’s face it, we are humans after all and we make mistakes. We learn from them. But going around telling everyone that the girl you were with for the past few years is a whore/gold digger/prostitute…etc., what the actual fuck is that? For sure when you’ve spent a certain time loving someone they see you truly naked, with your deepest flaws and ugliest secrets. But to exaggerate them and to spread this around just so you can belittle her and make sure she never finds another soul who’d love her, what is that? I didn’t have it in me to stand up for myself, I didn’t see any reason to. Because all these were coming from a guy who most openly posted my nudes on his Instagram while we were dating, for his amusement and call me stupid but I was okay with it until my friends scolded me to death. They helped me see what was wrong. I was so okay with anything that he was okay with. That wasn’t love, it was stupidity. And once asked to remove them we had a huge row and he commanded that I never send him any such again. And as a girl who loved to photograph I was heartbroken. The one man I was most willingly giving myself for no longer allowed me to be so open. 
He had threatened me to not post shit anywhere last week, shit as in posts about him or tweets aimed at him and such or else he’d make my life a living hell and make flyers of my whoring around apparently. His words, not mine. You know what sweety, you are my hell. And I most respectfully have walked with you in hell. But I’m done. I’m done letting your threats take the tolls of my life.
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The Lonely

December 24, 201

Crying off my face again.

The silent sound of loneliness

Dancing slowly in an empty room,

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby.

Let you go and let the lonely in

To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside

For the pain of one more loveless night.

Cause the loneliness will stay with me

And hold me till I fall asleep.

Broken pieces of

A barely breathing story

Where there once was love

Now there’s only me and the lonely.

I’m the ghost of a girl that I want to be most.

I’m the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

I go into major meltdowns in the worst moments ever. Like last week I cried while looking for a cab ‘cuz I was calling all the centers and no bloody taxi was available and no one was stopping from the road and I was trying to call my mom so I could ask a cousin to give me a ride and she wasn’t picking up and nor my brother and it was just a couple of minutes left for my speedboat to depart and I couldn’t miss that. Because in that moment I felt as hopeless as one can be. Missing a speedboat might not sound like the worst thing that could happen to you but it was, for me. It’s the little things that makes me realize that I’m all I have and if I don’t make it nobody else will make me.
And tonight it was while I was waiting for the freaking speedboat. I was asked to show up at 18:45 and I showed up at 18:30 ‘cuz I wanted to be safe and better early than late right. So I waited and waited. Until 1900hrs I stood there in one spot without moving with hands full of bags with toys for Christmas presents and I was about to cry. I’ve been in Male’ since 11 am and I quickly did all my tasks so I could catch an early transfer back. And hoping they’d appreciate it. I was done by 3pm and this is what I could get on. You do all these things for a job you get paid and you love the job but just don’t expect them to look after you as a human. You’re a subject to the company. They could care less about any human need that you might have. I took the task cuz they asked me if I could and I didn’t want to say no cuz that would mean I’m not capable and I am. I’m still on my probation and I have to prove myself. While I waited there for the whole thirty minutes Id see people pass by and you know id have loved someone to have waited with me. But there isn’t anyone who would. It’s so sad how lonely we really are in these moments that we need someone the most. People would stare pity or walk by too closely. But who’s saving me from them, no one but me. It’s always been like this. Nobody has ever stood up for me or been with me through things that had mattered the most. Why I have no faith in relationships or marriage. I’ve been in them. And they made me weak and gullible. No matter how big the need for another maybe I’m not giving someone the power to exist and disappoint me ever again.

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In the Past

December 20 , 2015

A year back gosh I was so in love with someone. It seemed like he was all that Id ever need. But then when he caught up with me I wasn’t in the same place as I used to. Of course the habit of loving someone lives on but things had changed and I had changed. And I ended up being unfaithful to the person that meant the whole world to me and there was no way for me to fix it. I’d call it a mistake but it’s my doing. It’s on me. Even though it hurts I know I blew it and there’s no fighting back for the love I couldn’t respect. And when there are days I wish to undo what I did and go back to how things were, I know that’s not how things work. There’s no going back and fixing something you already smashed into pieces. I could try to glue them back but the constant reminder of how I fucked up would always be there. He forgave me but there’s no way he could look over it. So we called it an era and tried to move on but somehow he’s always there. It’s hard to stay away from one another ‘cuz we were a huge part of each other’s lives for so long there’s just no quitting. So we continue to be there for each other.
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It gets better.

December 19 , 2015

I understand how hard life can be. Daily struggles and disappointments. But believe me when I say it gets better because it really does. The trick is to have faith and believe in your life. No matter how horrible no storm lasts forever. If not for these storms and hurricanes we wouldn’t know what the ray of a new day brings. It’s about appreciating the little things. Be blessed there’s a roof under your head and you have beautiful clothes. Be blessed you have a pillow under your head and a blanket to warm you during the night cold. Be blessed you have a family that loves you and no matter what has happened in the past would miss you despite everything when you’re gone. When you’re in the middle of all these anything that happens or that you go through affects everyone around you. And although they may not always have the right words to cheer you up they never stop wishing the best for you. Appreciate the love that surrounds you, from the little things you own to the meals you take. If you fail to see what you’re blessed with you’ll deny any betterment that comes your way. So please at least for my sake believe me when I say it gets better, of course life is hard but better days are ahead insha’allah. Because everyday I pray and hope for a better life and I’d always ask you to do the same. We never understand what the other person is going through but everyone lives through their own hell. Grieving for the lost ones to the dignity you cannot claim back. No sorrow can be compared and no sorrow is greater. Pain is pain, hurt is hurt. Don’t tell me you’re hurting more. We are all hurting in our own ways and some do not show or talk about it. Respect everyone’s misery and pray for them. For if we do not support each other we’d fall apart. And if you dare tell me it never gets better and everything is pointless I despise you. Because the faith I so loving hold so close to my heart relies on my sanity, and if this sorrow lasts forever I honestly do not know what I’d do. I’d eventually give up too and I don’t want to. So please for my sake, believe in yourself and believe in your life. We never encounter obstacles we aren’t strong enough to endure. Better things are yet to come, I promise. 
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December 06, 2015

I was wrong, I’m not fine. Never will be, not without him. For the first time ever I fucked us up and fucked up big. I destroyed the best thing that had happened to me.

I cheated on him, I shouldn’t have. Nothing I do can change facts now. I need to accept it and suffer. I did not cheat on him because I no longer loved him. I absolutely had no reason to, it was the most selfish and inconsiderate thing that I’d done which I’d never be able to forgive myself for. Normally I’m okay with mistakes. I never get into anything without realizing the consequences of the things I do. And I immediately back away from anything I wouldn’t be able to handle the consequences off.

I ruined us, I ruined him.

There aren’t any words that I know for the emptiness my soul has been left with. After everything that I’ve done and has happened I think it was best of me to let him go. I no longer had any right to keep him or the love he could offer. Even so, feelings don’t just vanish into thin air. I am to live the rest of my life knowing I crushed the only love of my life. 

That’s got me thinking, maybe that is who I am. That person who ruined her reason to exist with no fault of another but her own only. Not the first time I’ve betrayed someone who meant the world to me. 
I’m disgusting, I don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve good people in my life. Only a matter of time before I eventually fuck everything up.
I crave emptiness, I crave solitude. I crave to be unloved, untouched and unknown. This isn’t whom I thought I was. But I am what I’ve done. It’s all on me, I have no right to even apologize because I was never stupid enough to not know what the hell I was doing. Everything is done and I’m left with nothing but the guilt of killing the only love that only mattered. I have no excuse. 
Sorry that I was never worthy enough, sorry that I still find you as amazing as the first time I met you. 
Sorry that I am unable to undo my wrong doings. 
Sorry that I am unable to unlove you.
Sorry because I’m still very much in love with you and sorry because those words will never hold the same meaning which they once did.
Sorry that I am unable to go on..
Sorry that you will always be The One.
Sorry that I still exist. 
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Casual Feelings.

November 25, 2015

 Isn’t it funny how when you start talking to a complete stranger there’s all this excitement and enticement. And then once you know them a little better you’re scared to get any closer ‘cuz you’re afraid you’ll end up liking them too much or not liking them at all. Like there’s nothing right to do at this moment? You gotta risk something. And you’re of course curious to fucking know more. So you put yourself ahead a few steps, just enough to see them a little closer, and your heart sinks a little when you see nothing you hate, but everything you like. And now you’re thinking you should put it all behind and walk away because let’s admit it, he’s gorgeous and so so sweet and so kind. And you’re a sucker for these qualities. And you’re already playing out in your head how you get so attached to him and he leaves you behind at one point. You know you wont like it, so to eliminate all the possibilities of that happening you distant yourself. And then they question you, what happened? did i do something wrong? if so I’m so sorry? and you go like no no sweety it’s not you it’s just me I just couldn’t afford myself to get to know you any better and they tell you it doesn’t make sense. Because not everyone knows how scary it is to let someone new into your life and to watch them walk away with bits and pieces of your stories. You might know how it feels to be left with nothing but memories to cry on, but they won’t. And for some it isn’t even a big deal. So what, you chit chat a little and forget about it in a week. 

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Goodbye.

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November 12, 2015
Hi..
I just wanted to tell you that how sorry I am. I am not asking you to take me back or look past it. Just making it clear that it kills me everyday knowing what I’ve done. I never meant for things to turn out this way. i’m so sorry. Just please know you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and no one is replacing you. I’m so thankful for the time we’ve had. The memories shall forever live on. I didn’t know how to punish myself for what I’ve done. I deleted my blogs, hoping to delete every evidence of our existence. It broke me to destroy all the work & effort, but I did anyway. I guess because that’s what I did to us as well. Words cannot express how much I regret my actions. I’m just sorry I ruined everything. Knowing that nothing could ever happen between us or be the same again is just painful.
But I wish you all the best, thank you so much for the past few years. Lost my right to tell you how much I loved you the moment I disregarded our existence.

Goodbye.

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Ugh.

 

September 11, 2015

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This is an old screenshot for me to have but I still do, I’m in no rush to delete all the evidence of us dating. This was one of those rare moments where he told me he loved me, and I instantly screenshot ‘cuz this in fact was the first time in weeks he’d said such. It lit up my world, but now that it’s over this brings back a warm memory. Why couldn’t he live up to these words, why couldn’t he fight for me like I fought for him. Or was I too hasty in giving up? Was I wrong to end things? I had my doubts. Still do at certain times of the day. But then he blocked me on IG today. Unfriended me on Facebook a couple of days back, unfollowed me and finally blocked me on Instagram. And how do I know these things? Because I check, duh. It was so hard for me to find his handle once he’d blocked me, cuz the useless piece of shit hadn’t commented many of my pictures. Not even the stupid video I complied with pictures of us for our third phase. People are right to judge, whoever observed us wouldn’t find it hard coming to the conclusion I was the only one going nuts over him while he lived a life that barely existed me. I was fine, just gloomy that he’s acting out. Why should he? He’s walked out on me a million times leaving me in pieces and never has he acknowledged or cared for my feelings. So why the fuck am I feeling so bad? Do I still have feelings for him? Yes I fucking do! Do I want him back? Hell no? The world is already shitty, don’t need another person to make it worse. I’m usually the one blocking and removing him cuz I can’t stand to watch him so fucking fine without me. I’m not fine without him either but you’ve got to stay strong. Relationships end, people die. It’s not the end of the world. I tried. I gave it my best, I gave it my all. It’ wasn’t enough. I failed. Doesn’t mean I stopped loving him, it just didn’t work. I needed attention and he had no time for me. It’s as simple as that. Now people can go on and tell me he never really loved me or he was just screwing me, I don’t care. It was love for me. Up until the point it ended. I was in love.
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August 18, 2015

It’s pretty hard walking away from the person you love. But sometimes it’s for the best. When you’re no longer making each other happy I guess it’s time you move on. Find better things. I did it. Never thought I’d even have the courage to ever, no matter how miserable I was. I didn’t think I had it in me to walk away without shedding a single tear. But I did. Guess all these years of mastering emotions helped. I’m happier now, lighter and feeling much better than I have in the past couple of months. He was a great guy and will always be the person I loved so so much. It just didn’t work out, we tried. I tried. All I’ve ever done in the past almost three years is try to make things work. And I almost got there, I had him. Every time he left me I’d hit rock bottom, I never thought I’d survive without him. But by being with me he drove me away, he was hardly there. I got used to his absence. I got  used to being on my own despite his role in my life. All these years I thought I’d find no one and nothing better than this, like this was it you know? Like he was The One and I wasn’t going to let him go, I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried to. Now when I look back I’m almost like wtf Ana. But I still remember the pain, the hurt, the tears. I remember everything. And it no longer makes me sad. Because I had the courage to love someone with everything I was. I gave him all of me. He was my world, he meant everything to me. His words had the power to completely shatter my world. And yet he failed to choose them wisely, despite knowing. I failed to see what he was doing to me. And even when I realized what was happening I thought he was the best I’d get. So I had to quit being a baby and shut up. But then recently I realized, I’ve been looking at this all wrong. A person who loved me should always treat me right, no matter what. They have to, don’t they? A person who fails to see my worth or doesn’t value me does not deserve me. No matter how hard I loved, I had to leave. So I did. he understood, leaving was always too easy for him. This time it was my move. And I don’t know what’s going to happen from here on, the uncertainty fucking scares me. But I did what I had to do. Leaving almost 3 years behind.
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The Life of My Soul – Mother.

August 18, 2015

 It’s me your daughter praying the rest of the years to be kind on you. Wishing you nothing but eternal happiness and asking for forgiveness for all the times I’ve let you down. I’m sorry Mamma. There’s no one I love in this world more than I love you and I often fail to show that. You’ve done a wonderful job with us. You’re the most amazing woman I know. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been to have taken care of us all by yourself, you’re a wonderful person. Loving and grumpy at the same time. All the things I used to question about you makes so much sense now. I’m sorry for so many things. I can only hope to become as strong as you are someday. I don’t even know how you do it, you amaze me and I fail to appreciate your efforts. I love you so much mamma.
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