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It gets better.

December 19 , 2015

I understand how hard life can be. Daily struggles and disappointments. But believe me when I say it gets better because it really does. The trick is to have faith and believe in your life. No matter how horrible no storm lasts forever. If not for these storms and hurricanes we wouldn’t know what the ray of a new day brings. It’s about appreciating the little things. Be blessed there’s a roof under your head and you have beautiful clothes. Be blessed you have a pillow under your head and a blanket to warm you during the night cold. Be blessed you have a family that loves you and no matter what has happened in the past would miss you despite everything when you’re gone. When you’re in the middle of all these anything that happens or that you go through affects everyone around you. And although they may not always have the right words to cheer you up they never stop wishing the best for you. Appreciate the love that surrounds you, from the little things you own to the meals you take. If you fail to see what you’re blessed with you’ll deny any betterment that comes your way. So please at least for my sake believe me when I say it gets better, of course life is hard but better days are ahead insha’allah. Because everyday I pray and hope for a better life and I’d always ask you to do the same. We never understand what the other person is going through but everyone lives through their own hell. Grieving for the lost ones to the dignity you cannot claim back. No sorrow can be compared and no sorrow is greater. Pain is pain, hurt is hurt. Don’t tell me you’re hurting more. We are all hurting in our own ways and some do not show or talk about it. Respect everyone’s misery and pray for them. For if we do not support each other we’d fall apart. And if you dare tell me it never gets better and everything is pointless I despise you. Because the faith I so loving hold so close to my heart relies on my sanity, and if this sorrow lasts forever I honestly do not know what I’d do. I’d eventually give up too and I don’t want to. So please for my sake, believe in yourself and believe in your life. We never encounter obstacles we aren’t strong enough to endure. Better things are yet to come, I promise. 
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December 06, 2015

I was wrong, I’m not fine. Never will be, not without him. For the first time ever I fucked us up and fucked up big. I destroyed the best thing that had happened to me.

I cheated on him, I shouldn’t have. Nothing I do can change facts now. I need to accept it and suffer. I did not cheat on him because I no longer loved him. I absolutely had no reason to, it was the most selfish and inconsiderate thing that I’d done which I’d never be able to forgive myself for. Normally I’m okay with mistakes. I never get into anything without realizing the consequences of the things I do. And I immediately back away from anything I wouldn’t be able to handle the consequences off.

I ruined us, I ruined him.

There aren’t any words that I know for the emptiness my soul has been left with. After everything that I’ve done and has happened I think it was best of me to let him go. I no longer had any right to keep him or the love he could offer. Even so, feelings don’t just vanish into thin air. I am to live the rest of my life knowing I crushed the only love of my life. 

That’s got me thinking, maybe that is who I am. That person who ruined her reason to exist with no fault of another but her own only. Not the first time I’ve betrayed someone who meant the world to me. 
I’m disgusting, I don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve good people in my life. Only a matter of time before I eventually fuck everything up.
I crave emptiness, I crave solitude. I crave to be unloved, untouched and unknown. This isn’t whom I thought I was. But I am what I’ve done. It’s all on me, I have no right to even apologize because I was never stupid enough to not know what the hell I was doing. Everything is done and I’m left with nothing but the guilt of killing the only love that only mattered. I have no excuse. 
Sorry that I was never worthy enough, sorry that I still find you as amazing as the first time I met you. 
Sorry that I am unable to undo my wrong doings. 
Sorry that I am unable to unlove you.
Sorry because I’m still very much in love with you and sorry because those words will never hold the same meaning which they once did.
Sorry that I am unable to go on..
Sorry that you will always be The One.
Sorry that I still exist. 
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Casual Feelings.

November 25, 2015

 Isn’t it funny how when you start talking to a complete stranger there’s all this excitement and enticement. And then once you know them a little better you’re scared to get any closer ‘cuz you’re afraid you’ll end up liking them too much or not liking them at all. Like there’s nothing right to do at this moment? You gotta risk something. And you’re of course curious to fucking know more. So you put yourself ahead a few steps, just enough to see them a little closer, and your heart sinks a little when you see nothing you hate, but everything you like. And now you’re thinking you should put it all behind and walk away because let’s admit it, he’s gorgeous and so so sweet and so kind. And you’re a sucker for these qualities. And you’re already playing out in your head how you get so attached to him and he leaves you behind at one point. You know you wont like it, so to eliminate all the possibilities of that happening you distant yourself. And then they question you, what happened? did i do something wrong? if so I’m so sorry? and you go like no no sweety it’s not you it’s just me I just couldn’t afford myself to get to know you any better and they tell you it doesn’t make sense. Because not everyone knows how scary it is to let someone new into your life and to watch them walk away with bits and pieces of your stories. You might know how it feels to be left with nothing but memories to cry on, but they won’t. And for some it isn’t even a big deal. So what, you chit chat a little and forget about it in a week. 

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Goodbye.

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November 12, 2015
Hi..
I just wanted to tell you that how sorry I am. I am not asking you to take me back or look past it. Just making it clear that it kills me everyday knowing what I’ve done. I never meant for things to turn out this way. i’m so sorry. Just please know you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and no one is replacing you. I’m so thankful for the time we’ve had. The memories shall forever live on. I didn’t know how to punish myself for what I’ve done. I deleted my blogs, hoping to delete every evidence of our existence. It broke me to destroy all the work & effort, but I did anyway. I guess because that’s what I did to us as well. Words cannot express how much I regret my actions. I’m just sorry I ruined everything. Knowing that nothing could ever happen between us or be the same again is just painful.
But I wish you all the best, thank you so much for the past few years. Lost my right to tell you how much I loved you the moment I disregarded our existence.

Goodbye.

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Ugh.

 

September 11, 2015

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This is an old screenshot for me to have but I still do, I’m in no rush to delete all the evidence of us dating. This was one of those rare moments where he told me he loved me, and I instantly screenshot ‘cuz this in fact was the first time in weeks he’d said such. It lit up my world, but now that it’s over this brings back a warm memory. Why couldn’t he live up to these words, why couldn’t he fight for me like I fought for him. Or was I too hasty in giving up? Was I wrong to end things? I had my doubts. Still do at certain times of the day. But then he blocked me on IG today. Unfriended me on Facebook a couple of days back, unfollowed me and finally blocked me on Instagram. And how do I know these things? Because I check, duh. It was so hard for me to find his handle once he’d blocked me, cuz the useless piece of shit hadn’t commented many of my pictures. Not even the stupid video I complied with pictures of us for our third phase. People are right to judge, whoever observed us wouldn’t find it hard coming to the conclusion I was the only one going nuts over him while he lived a life that barely existed me. I was fine, just gloomy that he’s acting out. Why should he? He’s walked out on me a million times leaving me in pieces and never has he acknowledged or cared for my feelings. So why the fuck am I feeling so bad? Do I still have feelings for him? Yes I fucking do! Do I want him back? Hell no? The world is already shitty, don’t need another person to make it worse. I’m usually the one blocking and removing him cuz I can’t stand to watch him so fucking fine without me. I’m not fine without him either but you’ve got to stay strong. Relationships end, people die. It’s not the end of the world. I tried. I gave it my best, I gave it my all. It’ wasn’t enough. I failed. Doesn’t mean I stopped loving him, it just didn’t work. I needed attention and he had no time for me. It’s as simple as that. Now people can go on and tell me he never really loved me or he was just screwing me, I don’t care. It was love for me. Up until the point it ended. I was in love.
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August 18, 2015

It’s pretty hard walking away from the person you love. But sometimes it’s for the best. When you’re no longer making each other happy I guess it’s time you move on. Find better things. I did it. Never thought I’d even have the courage to ever, no matter how miserable I was. I didn’t think I had it in me to walk away without shedding a single tear. But I did. Guess all these years of mastering emotions helped. I’m happier now, lighter and feeling much better than I have in the past couple of months. He was a great guy and will always be the person I loved so so much. It just didn’t work out, we tried. I tried. All I’ve ever done in the past almost three years is try to make things work. And I almost got there, I had him. Every time he left me I’d hit rock bottom, I never thought I’d survive without him. But by being with me he drove me away, he was hardly there. I got used to his absence. I got  used to being on my own despite his role in my life. All these years I thought I’d find no one and nothing better than this, like this was it you know? Like he was The One and I wasn’t going to let him go, I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried to. Now when I look back I’m almost like wtf Ana. But I still remember the pain, the hurt, the tears. I remember everything. And it no longer makes me sad. Because I had the courage to love someone with everything I was. I gave him all of me. He was my world, he meant everything to me. His words had the power to completely shatter my world. And yet he failed to choose them wisely, despite knowing. I failed to see what he was doing to me. And even when I realized what was happening I thought he was the best I’d get. So I had to quit being a baby and shut up. But then recently I realized, I’ve been looking at this all wrong. A person who loved me should always treat me right, no matter what. They have to, don’t they? A person who fails to see my worth or doesn’t value me does not deserve me. No matter how hard I loved, I had to leave. So I did. he understood, leaving was always too easy for him. This time it was my move. And I don’t know what’s going to happen from here on, the uncertainty fucking scares me. But I did what I had to do. Leaving almost 3 years behind.
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The Life of My Soul – Mother.

August 18, 2015

 It’s me your daughter praying the rest of the years to be kind on you. Wishing you nothing but eternal happiness and asking for forgiveness for all the times I’ve let you down. I’m sorry Mamma. There’s no one I love in this world more than I love you and I often fail to show that. You’ve done a wonderful job with us. You’re the most amazing woman I know. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been to have taken care of us all by yourself, you’re a wonderful person. Loving and grumpy at the same time. All the things I used to question about you makes so much sense now. I’m sorry for so many things. I can only hope to become as strong as you are someday. I don’t even know how you do it, you amaze me and I fail to appreciate your efforts. I love you so much mamma.
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A message to the stranger I once knew.

July 13, 2015

 I missed you this morning, when someone failed to acknowledge my feelings. I missed you because you once did. That one time, and that was one of the few comforting moments of my life. You held me when I sobbed uncontrollably, without asking me why, without question you just held me and let me bury myself in your arms. And you whispered it was going to be okay, without knowing why I was so devastated. Thank you, thank you for that moment.  Thank You for not telling me how unreasonable i was being, thank you for not telling me how annoying that was, thank you for not telling me I was overreacting. Thank you for understanding, because to this day, you were the only person who’s ever been that kind. I’ll always reflect myself upon that night. When all hope is lost I’ll just close my eyes and revisit the memory and listen to your voice telling me it’s going to be okay. What you did meant the world to me. Sometimes all a person needs is a hug and to be understood in silence. That’s exactly what you did. I can never thank you enough.You saved me that night, from so much. And your faint memory will keep on saving me. 
Thank You.
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I befriended him – I

April 24, 2016

 I befriended him, I don’t know why. I don’t know why I don’t hate him as much as I should. Or as much as anyone else would if they were me. This is another story that has drastically changed my life and changed me on its course. Or one of the things that lead me to lose myself even more than I already had.
I was fifteen and it was September 26th, 2008. I specifically remember the date since was right before a friend’s birthday. I had just joined mig33, wasn’t aware at all about the community. Since it was trending and I enjoyed getting to know people I just went ahead with it, plus it killed time. And it was an escape from everything else and I  never had the chance to realize how critical it was. Telling someone you don’t know or might never know about yourself, there was something risky and dangerous about it and it was the kinda shit I dug. I was of course very very stupid.
About a week back, I got a call from a complete stranger, he said his name was Sina or something. I asked him how he’d gotten my number and he started being all cheesy about it, saying he’d tell me all in time. After some time he called me up again and asked me to meet up, in today’s world no one, even the stupidest one wouldn’t just meet up with a stranger. But I did, again I don’t know why. He was on a Harley Davidson. I was like whoa. Short and dark with long long hair and not good-looking at all. And looked so much older than I. After I sat on the back and he drove away. Introducing himself meanwhile. He told me why he wanted to meet up, I was so fucking relieved that he’d come clean. He told me I had messed with one of his id’s on mig33, and I didn’t remember ever messing with anyone but he was so sure and accused me of it. And apparently he wanted to get back at me for that by you know doing the worst thing you could ever do to a girl, but after seeing how casual and friendly I was he said he’d changed his mind. And all this in the first twenty minutes after I’d met him for the first time ever and still under his control. I was shocked and scared fuck thinking what the hell have I gotten myself into.

To be continued.. if I ever find it in me to continue. 

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This.

April 23, 2015

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I’m so hurt that I can’t even feel it anymore. I don’t know why it made me so upset, no one promised to make things easier. I am though, more mad even. At myself mostly. No I didn’t expect him to move on at all. I didn’t think he would, I didn’t think about it at all. And he has. And after all this time, I’m still in the same place. It’s no ones fault. But is this all I deserve? And no don’t tell me it gets better. ‘Cause it fucking did last night and now all of it is just taken away.
 
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