Maybe it’s just the way it is. You’ll continue to walk in and out of my life as you please and I will let you. I have no clear answer as to why. Looking back at my life I see so very few meaningful encounters and you are one of them. And as you’ve said that you treasure the bond we share, I do too. Maybe not on your terms but I do as well. Never before have you explained to me so clearly how you have felt about me all along. And I appreciate it so much. It’s just, as days pass your spoken words become echo’s and this distance as usual have made me think otherwise of it. Yes, I know I know, we are no regulars in each others lives and never have been, but.. I don’t know. I don’t expect anything, just don’t drop truth bombs on me and vanish into thin air maybe.

My cousin booked me with another therapist for tomorrow night. Therapy hasn’t worked so far. Not sure how this session will be any different either. I don’t get psychotherapy. Or maybe I’ve never been consistent at it. Or maybe the clinics have just been useless. I don’t know how to tell them I live in a state of uncertainty. Nothings ever certain with me. The only things that are certain in my life are my work and my family. The rest have a way of it’s own. It’s me but at the same time it’s not me because I’m not in control of it. The moment I understand how I feel towards something, I begin to feel indifferently and I move on to try and understand the new feeling. It’s a hopping mind.

”I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” — Charlotte Brontë

They’ve been my world. The whole of it, but one by one each of them has left their place in my life.

Some found life more worthwhile without our friendship, others set their priorities right and we didn’t make the list. And the rest I don’t really know if it’s ignorance or their obliviousness. Can’t really say which.

Bottom line though is that it hurt. All of it.

Writing this isn’t going to be easy, this could be a phone call or a group text. But like always, some truths are harder to tell.

What was left of us was damn fine, we were closer than ever, more protective than ever, or so I thought until I absolutely needed them; like I’d never needed anyone before. I don’t know what I really expected, maybe a thoughtful ear? an understanding, or a bunch of words along the lines that I would be okay again.  

Like any other night, I needed my best friends. To be around them, somehow things seemed easier with them around.

So when I was having a hard time this one night, and since they’ve said many many times before that I don’t really allow them to be there for me at my hardest times, I thought, I’d let them be there for me this time. I had a growing trust allowing myself to be that vulnerable in front of them for once. I’ve always iced people out when things got tough, I knew that these were my problems and none other should have to waste their time worrying for me. But I’d known them for over a decade and like I said, they were my world. So I went to see them, I was soon in tears crying my face off because honestly I’d been going in circles with the same problems and I felt so helpless. But most of them were too busy to even hear me out, and I soon started feeling worse. So I left and cried the whole way home. I thought they’d text me later and see if I was okay, but they never did. So in a world where I was feeling so helpless, I also started feeling abandoned and other ugly feelings. That’s one incident. I tried to let it go, make excuses for them, but my anxiety was fucking me up around them. I no longer felt okay or alright. I felt exposed for allowing myself to be that vulnerable and to receive such cold treatment.

Another day, this time it was at work. It was a gathering out in the sea, on a Dhoni. One particular person decided to ruin my entire will to live while I sat on the bow. I was too shattered to even move. I had half of my colleagues on the very same Dhoni, but most of them would probably not know what happened. But they knew something had happened. I sat there for over four hours, didn’t even move. I couldn’t. I sobbed my heart out and called my mother crying. I had thought of jumping off over a hundred times in those hours. I understand my colleagues wouldn’t intrude or even ask hey, are you okay? but honestly, I would have so appreciated that. The saddest part though is that this one best friend of mine was there too,  she was there with everyone else. Laughing and having their time of fun, while I was shattering myself into a million little pieces over and over for hours and hours. The torture was indefinable. She never bothered to come and ask me, not once, if I was okay. I’d be fine with the World not caring, but I couldn’t be fine with her not caring. In a world where I kept feelings abandoned, I kept on getting lonelier and lonelier and living in a mass of ugly feelings. At that point, the world was my enemy. 

They probably wonder what went wrong or what happened, I wish I could tell them, but I can’t. These were two of the most painful days I had to live through and would never recover from. I learned so much. About people, about love and trust. No matter who’s in your life, no matter where you are, you only have you. No one else, only you.

I hope my best friends that used to be, stop wondering why, because here is why. I never asked for much. I asked for so little of love, and even that seemed too much to ask for in the end.

And then I remembered how great of a person I am for surviving and reaching this far from what I used to be. And nothing will change that. I may have chosen a different path than many would but that doesn’t make me any less of the person I am.

Never again will it be you, or anyone else who will make me feel like I’m not good enough. Because I am. If you don’t see that than clearly I’m the wrong girl for you, but as a person I’m not wrong.

With every struggle, with every thing that happened I’ve managed to be here. And if life is a race I’m right alongside with people who’ve struggled less and had a better life, that makes my entire existence an achievement and I shall never forget that.

Look me in the eye and say you loved me right, look me in the eyes and say you loved me despite.

Look me in the eye and say you loved me wholly, look me in the eye and say you were fond of me entirely.

Look me in the eye and say it wasn’t my body you attracted, look me in the eye and say you loved me in-fact.

Look me in the eye and say you never did me wrong, look me in the eye and say you were right all along.

Look me in the eye and say I stabbed your heart, look me in the eye and say I let you part.

I loved you in-fact, I loved you right, despite my mistakes.

Today I weep your absence, the ghost of a lover I once knew.

Here’s an obsession I grew over a woman.

No, she wasn’t extra ordinary. No, she wasn’t breathtakingly beautiful. No, she didn’t have a kind heart or even a soul. She wasn’t a person I should be losing sleep over.

This was the woman I had implanted in my head to be out of this world. Why?

He would bring her up constantly, he would tell me she was around waiting for him, for him to give her a chance. She was ready to fight the world by his side. All he had to say was yes. This is a speech I’ve heard a hundred times and one that I didn’t like hearing. With every fall out he brings her up to seed this thought in my head that if I don’t give in now I would be losing him to her. The girl who portrayed perfection, the picture he drew was nothing less.

But she’s just another woman, one like me. No she doesn’t stand out in a crowd. But I grew insecure over the image I had built up in my mind. I obsessed over this and grew blue for days.

But then one fine day, she walks into the same cafè that I was in. I saw her and it hit me, she’s just like me. She’s ordinary as I am.

So don’t let men manipulate you into thinking you are any less good, they do this so you’ll lose yourself and your confidence and that’s only when they feel safe enough. How many men out there can handle a woman at her best? Let her fly and trust she’ll always come home to you. Do you really need to cut her wings off because you have your issues and you’d rather be certain than take a chance with this little bird you’ve fallen for? When you change who they are, they forget to fly. When you trap them, they forget all the amazing things they are.

Let them fly, let them love. Let them embrace their reality, just have faith.

To the woman who took my sleep away and broke my heart.

I won’t lie, I hate you. I hate your existence, I hate that you live in the same world that I do.

I hate that he still talks to you, I hate that he still lies to me about talking to you. 

I hate that he asked you to wait, I hate that he laughs with you.

I hate everything I don’t know about you two, and from the little I know, it kills me daily too.

I hate that you had to be there from the beginning till the very end, even when I wasn’t perfect, he saw perfection in you. 

I hate you live a life I envy, I hate that I put myself through this torture.

I hate that I can’t stop hating you, it must be maybe because I love him too. Maybe not as much, maybe not as dearly, but enough to keep me awake at night as the clock ticks away till another day.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing I am isolating myself from the world or depriving this world of my thoughts. Let’s just say I am tired of pretending to be okay and making excuses for other peoples behavior. I can’t do it anymore, I have neglected myself long enough my existence itself has now become critical. 

I know I know. They are human too, just like I am. They too have bad days. But the thing is, see I have had bad to horrible days consistently since I can remember. But never have I not been there for people who needed me. I’ll admit, it feels nice to be needed. It feels good to help someone cope. 

I can’t anymore, I need myself more than anyone else does and I can’t keep investing my energy on people who won’t be there for me when I drain myself. In life, you reach that point where you cant put yourself out there for granted anymore. If that means more and more lonely days then be it. If it means spending every possible weeknight alone at home then be that too. 

I live in constant heartbreak.

This was my passion, creating this window to my life was a way of going on. And now I can’t find the words that used to come to me effortlessly. I can’t write anymore, not even about myself, and it breaks my heart. It makes me hate the person who made this happen. 

The boat docks at Jetty 1 and I get off on the busiest road, no makeup, not even a fabulous dress – couldn’t be bothered with the dress and the makeup. I mean, what even for? For this shitty city? Pass.

Try to hail a cab, but have no luck – because cabs have their own lives and have no time for you just like you barely have time for yourself. Stop blaming cabs. Start blaming you.

Exhausted, I start making my way home. With the heaviest backpack carrying my pretty laptop which I bought years ago just because it was teal and I thought was the cutest because laptops need to be cute right? (I’ve seriously got to start making better decisions). Also with books, I thought I might feel like reading eventually but haven’t opened in years. 

The roads are a mess, the smoke, the traffic, the smell and the people, shooting scrutinizing glances – what do they see?

My anxiety rails. For the next twenty minutes, I feel like the biggest loser walking this earth.

Skidding through vehicles and ridiculous sidewalks, home is finally a little closer.
Crossed over to a more quiet but darker street now, I hold my purse tightly against my chest and make a little run home – my breakdown is officially a half an hour overdue. 

Isn’t this similar to life’s journey itself though? Aren’t we all struggling to get here, to surpass the mess life is and come home?

At the end of the day, week, month, or even year. You just want to be home, where it feels safer and less chaotic. And I’ve been homesick for a place I’ve never known ever since I can remember. My never-ending hustle to the other side.