She Was Sea

Drowning in this salty sea of tears and remembering the last time I saw you. I weeped on your shoulders but for completely different reasons. Carefully laying out tissues on your mint green T-shirt afraid my tears could stain. And now, I weep because you’ve left a huge stain in my heart and no amount of tissue papers would keep your absence at bay.

I keep saying my prayers to the ocean, hoping the universe will hear me.

Sometimes we hold onto memories because they are so goddamn precious. But that’s all that they are in the end. Nothing but memories and ashes of what was. So let’s make new memories to forget the old, watch new sunrises and new sunsets. Send new selfies and make new video calls. Screen shot new messages and dial new numbers. Read new poems and write even, so that someday soon, you can look at the sky and think not of him, but of you, and all the dead stars you wished upon tonight hoping to forget the old and find the new.

I don’t know. I’m trying to heal. Live with all my bad decisions, or rather let go. What’s most painful is losing control of yourself in the process of losing someone. What we must remember is relationships don’t always end because you stop loving them. And this is why the love you have for them demands control over them even after the relationship has ended. And this is the most foolish thing you can do, expecting control over them.

They might have been your entire world, but from the moment things end, that changes. What they do next is none of your business. Anticipating their next move, and being anxious about it could drive you insane. That is why it is important to understand, we can’t control everyone, not even the ones whom we love and love us.

The only thing you have control over is you, and that is enough – because you are in control of how you feel about everything. Change of perspective can take you miles away from pain. It can help you empathize and understand, it can help you accept and heal.

It’s insanely difficult to accept how someone could be your entire world one day – and the moment things end it feels like it meant nothing. You lose contact, you lose the support system that held you. The further you drift from this reality the harder you question the authenticity of it all? Did they really care? Because as humans we tend to forget, even in breakups we seek reassurances. This comes from a lack of trust and reasonable doubt. But wouldn’t we feel so much lighter, if we just let go? Easier said than done, I know. But let’s start now. Before ghosts of your ex-lovers start feeling like old friends, let’s start letting go.

You can sometimes ask all the right questions and still be completely clueless. Other times, you can explain yourself verily and still be heavily misunderstood, because they just don’t care enough.

They can do their bare minimum to string you along and if it is someone you like you’ll be completely oblivious to their halfhearted efforts until they completely crush you.

Look out for yourself, because they never seem to have your best interest at heart.

When people emphasize “I don’t care about your past”, it delinquently sheds light on the fact that there indeed exists a “past” that’s not okay. So stop saying shit like your past doesn’t matter, or I accept your past.

Stop invalidating people’s experiences because they weren’t favorable to community standards. Stop making people feel like shit over fates they had no control over. Be more considerate with your words. You don’t know the things a person has had to go through to get to where they are.

It’s the little things that mean the most in the end. Even when you tiptoe to never take something so incredible for granted, it eventually slips away.

I miss you.

As much as you’d wish that men would come into your life with little previews or trailers, they don’t. It’s always a chance you have to take. It could be the beginning of something wonderful or it could turn out to be nothing at all. And the other times it ends up becoming your downfall. We have no reason to trust people and yet we do, despite the obvious setbacks somewhere down we are so hopeful that it hurts. Men come looking like life rafts and you can’t help but get on them when you have nothing else to hold onto. And you wonder why has this person taken you on. Maybe it’s a good deed, the humane thing to do. Maybe that is all. There are no deeper feelings, nothing that could turn into a wonderful book. Just a subtle heroic act keeping you afloat. Don’t fall for your rescuer. Sometimes it’s their job or they are being extremely nice. Nothing more, nothing less.

They say you make them happy, they say this feeling is out of this world.

You agree.

And yet, they can’t choose you. They don’t have what it takes to choose you and this does not have anything to do with you but with them, and somehow you’re tangled in this equation wondering things you shouldn’t.

It started dreamy as ever, and I’m not kidding when I say it was everything I’d ever wanted – apart from the fact I was getting too comfortable in someone else’s life without an invitation.

Maybe it was the fact that it was so wrong that it kept us going so strong. Or maybe it was all real. I don’t even know anymore. But I think I’ve lived in the world long enough to know – it’s not every day you come across a person who knows the way around your mind, heart, and soul.

What did he see in me though? What could he possibly see in me for him to look as if there were galaxies in my eyes? This man was my core shaker. But this man wasn’t mine.

But why was it so perfect apart from the fact it was so wrong?

Was it easier to alter your reality in one without strings? Like you could be anyone you wanted to be because it is a new book, a new story, a new affair?