She Was Sea

The kinda hugs that you wish you could stay in forever, the kinda people you wish you could always hold on to. The ones you’ve shared too much with & nothing they do ever is an excuse enough to let go. The ones who’ve become too toxic for you to stay with & impossible to be without.

When you love the version of yourself you grew into with a particular person, when they leave, do you stay put so you can stay intact the way they left you? Because moving even an inch would mean growing without them and becoming someone they would never know again. Would you want to become someone the person you loved never gets to know?

But.

What good is staying waiting for a train that may never come? And what good is leaving if it means forgetting what made you happy? Lastly, what good is writing about lost love, when it only spirals you into devastation.

It started dreamy as ever, and I’m not kidding when I say it was everything I’d ever wanted – apart from the fact I was getting too comfortable in someone else’s life without an invitation.

Maybe it was the fact that it was so wrong that it kept us going so strong. Or maybe it was all real. I don’t even know anymore. But I think I’ve lived in the world long enough to know – it’s not every day you come across a person who knows the way around your mind, heart, and soul.

What did he see in me though? What could he possibly see in me for him to look as if there were galaxies in my eyes? This man was my core shaker. But this man wasn’t mine.

But why was it so perfect apart from the fact it was so wrong?

Was it easier to alter your reality in one without strings? Like you could be anyone you wanted to be because it is a new book, a new story, a new affair?

It’s one thing to meet an amazing guy online and then meet him in person and fall in love. It’s entirely another thing to conduct a whole relationship online, convincing yourself you’ve fallen in love from a thousand miles away.

I love Sex and the City and I adore Carrie Bradshaw. For years I’d idolized her problematic relationships with men. But perhaps this might have been the most damaging thing I’ve done to myself in my twenties.

Her insecurities and how nuts it drove her about what other people thought of her and yet always continued to do as she pleased. How she sabotaged every relationship she’d ever been in since Big. How Aiden was perfect and she tried she really did but Big was always this one big exception and he was always so selfish he would just come and go as he pleased not caring about what it was doing to her.

He was confusing her when she never really got over him. She was really independent but when it came to anything that mattered she always needed someone to lean on. God, starting to unlove Carrie is breaking my heart but I can see how I’ve sabotaged myself by being so obsessed with her mentality.

They say;

“If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”

or they were never yours – which in this case is too damn accurate.

“A better interpretation is that you cannot force someone to love you. You have to give them the freedom to choose.”

It didn’t matter in the end. When he left he left. Does it make any difference that I asked him to leave? Does it break my heart any less that I initiated this ending? No. It doesn’t. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, bolt your heart and silently hope that it doesn’t kill you.

I haven’t felt this sleepless since 2010. I don’t know if this is life’s way of throwing me 10 years back or if life is coming a full circle. I feel as shitty as I did when I was 17 and I’m 27 now. One would think things would change. My priorities and responsibilities have, but I’ve remained the same in many ways.

How could one be this sleepless? I had completely forgotten. I barely get an hour or two during the day and then I’m wide awake. Tired as fuck but just unable to sleep. Am I getting over something I’ve been denying? What is hitting me so hard? Was digging up old wounds a bad idea – of course, but it helped me understand myself in many ways. Then what, why am I awake?

Instead of 2 am meltdowns I now have 4 pm meltdowns after not being able to sleep for more than 24 hrs. I’m not even worried about my skin or dark circles anymore, I just want to sleep. I’m tired of being awake.

The moon reminds me of you, and how could it not? Your glare reflected so luminously on my blackness, I couldn’t help but admire how you spotlit my hopeless world. It would’ve been a crime not loving you.

Constant music, flickering lights, people on their phones. What a trigger.

Hold my hand before I lose it, distract me before I spiral into the darkness of my own mind. Ask me to stay.

More shots, more wine, more hands. Let go.

You’re special Ana, you’re a very smart girl Ana. I wish you were smarter Ana.

When a man who is in not obliged to provide you support whispers, I wish you were smarter, you could’ve made something out of yourself. Disregarding your present, cancelling out your past achievements just because you’re not in a cage they built. These are predators. Painting alluring images of a better life, seducing you with security.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from my past relationships is that obsessing over a person who’s no longer in your life won’t make them come back to you. There’s no amount of energy you can put into a dead affair that’ll change its course. But it’s one of my toxic traits. I’ve done this way too often, I’ve clenched onto their memories long after they’ve gone and relived them by going over the relationship repeatedly. It’s self-sabotage and not recommended. Maybe a part of me was too afraid to let go because what I’d felt with them seemed incredible at one point. But that’s the thing. Just because it was wonderful at one point doesn’t mean it is now. And the version of them you keep alive in your mind isn’t what they are anymore.