Constant music, flickering lights, people on their phones. What a trigger.
Hold my hand before I lose it, distract me before I spiral into the darkness of my own mind. Ask me to stay.
More shots, more wine, more hands. Let go.
You’re special Ana, you’re a very smart girl Ana. I wish you were smarter Ana.
When a man who is in not obliged to provide you support whispers, I wish you were smarter, you could’ve made something out of yourself. Disregarding your present, cancelling out your past achievements just because you’re not in a cage they built. These are predators. Painting alluring images of a better life, seducing you with security.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from my past relationships is that obsessing over a person who’s no longer in your life won’t make them come back to you. There’s no amount of energy you can put into a dead affair that’ll change its course. But it’s one of my toxic traits. I’ve done this way too often, I’ve clenched onto their memories long after they’ve gone and relived them by going over the relationship repeatedly. It’s self-sabotage and not recommended. Maybe a part of me was too afraid to let go because what I’d felt with them seemed incredible at one point. But that’s the thing. Just because it was wonderful at one point doesn’t mean it is now. And the version of them you keep alive in your mind isn’t what they are anymore.
Drowning in this salty sea of tears and remembering the last time I saw you. I weeped on your shoulders but for completely different reasons. Carefully laying out tissues on your mint green T-shirt afraid my tears could stain. And now, I weep because you’ve left a huge stain in my heart and no amount of tissue papers would keep your absence at bay.
Sometimes we hold onto memories because they are so goddamn precious. But that’s all that they are in the end. Nothing but memories and ashes of what was. So let’s make new memories to forget the old, watch new sunrises and new sunsets. Send new selfies and make new video calls. Screen shot new messages and dial new numbers. Read new poems and write even, so that someday soon, you can look at the sky and think not of him, but of you, and all the dead stars you wished upon tonight hoping to forget the old and find the new.
I don’t know. I’m trying to heal. Live with all my bad decisions, or rather let go. What’s most painful is losing control of yourself in the process of losing someone. What we must remember is relationships don’t always end because you stop loving them. And this is why the love you have for them demands control over them even after the relationship has ended. And this is the most foolish thing you can do, expecting control over them.
They might have been your entire world, but from the moment things end, that changes. What they do next is none of your business. Anticipating their next move, and being anxious about it could drive you insane. That is why it is important to understand, we can’t control everyone, not even the ones whom we love and love us.
The only thing you have control over is you, and that is enough – because you are in control of how you feel about everything. Change of perspective can take you miles away from pain. It can help you empathize and understand, it can help you accept and heal.
It’s insanely difficult to accept how someone could be your entire world one day – and the moment things end it feels like it meant nothing. You lose contact, you lose the support system that held you. The further you drift from this reality the harder you question the authenticity of it all? Did they really care? Because as humans we tend to forget, even in breakups we seek reassurances. This comes from a lack of trust and reasonable doubt. But wouldn’t we feel so much lighter, if we just let go? Easier said than done, I know. But let’s start now. Before ghosts of your ex-lovers start feeling like old friends, let’s start letting go.
You can sometimes ask all the right questions and still be completely clueless. Other times, you can explain yourself verily and still be heavily misunderstood, because they just don’t care enough.
They can do their bare minimum to string you along and if it is someone you like you’ll be completely oblivious to their halfhearted efforts until they completely crush you.
Look out for yourself, because they never seem to have your best interest at heart.
When people emphasize “I don’t care about your past”, it delinquently sheds light on the fact that there indeed exists a “past” that’s not okay. So stop saying shit like your past doesn’t matter, or I accept your past.
Stop invalidating people’s experiences because they weren’t favorable to community standards. Stop making people feel like shit over fates they had no control over. Be more considerate with your words. You don’t know the things a person has had to go through to get to where they are.
It’s the little things that mean the most in the end. Even when you tiptoe to never take something so incredible for granted, it eventually slips away.
She Was Sea 