She Was Sea | ހިތުގެ އެންމެ ފުންމިނުން – އަހަރެންގެ ދުނިޔެ، އަހަންނަށް | Page 48

To be in love often means being free, but in this case, to be in love means to be a prisoner – your prisoner. My love for you is currently dormant despite knowing I would be happiest with you. It’s a battlefield of loving and being loved. How badly do I want to be loved?. By allowing your love, am I wrecking myself even more? And if so, how do I break free?. Fighting myself from going down that dreadful road I’ve been down once before, one foot in and one foot out. Heart in my hands and my mind lost.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not good enough. The moment you allow them to discourage you from being yourself, you’re betraying the most important person in your life – you.

Ghost of feelings that once were. I ended up walking into my trap, fully aware of the consequences. Fully aware I was not what he wanted me to be. Fully aware I would always miss myself. Despite all, as my heart wept for him I knew I had no choice but to choose him over me.

It’s not just him I have to please. I barely came to terms with adapting to him when our worlds collided and reality brewed its colors. His bitch of a sister threw a typical fit and I had to surrender. Because he meant the world to me and she was a fragment of his world.

Now, this blog is only mine to see, mine to know. Mine to write.

I belong to him and him only. It’s not a sad thing yet the parts of me that belong and I enjoyed by myself are no longer allowed to coexist and it breaks my heart.

It’s a constant struggle between ignoring how you feel and accepting how you should feel.

This feels like a new leaf turning over. This feels like another dead end I’m trying to get out of.

I’m guilty. This too shall pass. I too shall forget. I too will be my person again.

I had a life before you. I will have a life after you. I can only pray I’ve learned my lesson.

Even though it’s goodbye, you’ll still be with me for a while more. Until then, let me be strong.

Sorry, is all that I can say and all that I can’t. Forgive me.

I’d been in love before, haven’t I? I’d had my heartbreak before too. I thought I was done, how can it hurt just the same and even worse sometimes. As time goes by, don’t you get used to this pain.

Curling up on the floor with tears streaming for reasons you can’t explain. All you know is it hurts like your insides are ripping you apart.

I will cry my heart out over and over until there are no more tears left to cry.

I met someone so amazing that it feels like it’s a dream to have known him. The further away walk from him, I keep asking myself if I did the right thing. And in many ways, yes, it was the right thing. But it wasn’t the right thing for me, or him, as he’d said. I want to believe him, and I do. Even if I didn’t listen to him the last time we spoke. But what else could I have done? Sometimes you have to pull the trigger on your interests before you end up pulling the trigger on yourself. Love is strange yet it helps you grow. Love made me a better person in many ways. And losing that doesn’t mean all of it has to go away. I get to carry so much of what was wonderful. I get to carry the memories of our love. And for once, I’m reliving a happier time, even if it had to end.

I understand how frustrated a person can get when despite all your efforts they are still emotionally unavailable to you.

I know it’s over for us. I know. It’s just, my heart isn’t convinced.

Sometime in the future, I will forgive myself for being this way. But today, all I’m trying to do is figure out why I am this way.