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It’s a constant struggle between ignoring how you feel and accepting how you should feel.

This feels like a new leaf turning over. This feels like another dead end I’m trying to get out of.

I’m guilty. This too shall pass. I too shall forget. I too will be my person again.

I had a life before you. I will have a life after you. I can only pray I’ve learned my lesson.

Even though it’s goodbye, you’ll still be with me for a while more. Until then, let me be strong.

Sorry, is all that I can say and all that I can’t. Forgive me.

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I’d been in love before, haven’t I? I’d had my heartbreak before too. I thought I was done, how can it hurt just the same and even worse sometimes. As time goes by, don’t you get used to this pain.

Curling up on the floor with tears streaming for reasons you can’t explain. All you know is it hurts like your insides are ripping you apart.

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Personal

I met someone so amazing that it feels like it’s a dream to have known him. The further away walk from him, I keep asking myself if I did the right thing. And in many ways, yes, it was the right thing. But it wasn’t the right thing for me, or him, as he’d said. I want to believe him, and I do. Even if I didn’t listen to him the last time we spoke. But what else could I have done? Sometimes you have to pull the trigger on your interests before you end up pulling the trigger on yourself. Love is strange yet it helps you grow. Love made me a better person in many ways. And losing that doesn’t mean all of it has to go away. I get to carry so much of what was wonderful. I get to carry the memories of our love. And for once, I’m reliving a happier time, even if it had to end.

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Personal

My plastic smile fools everyone, and I know they don’t see I’m crumbling inside. I’m afraid if I make eye contact they’ll all know, they’ll all see my tear-well curtains attempting to barricade against the world.

How do I stop this feeling? How do I forget? How do I make it stop? I’m trying. I just can’t anymore. There’s no way I can make it stop. I want it to go away completely. I can’t handle it anymore. How did I get here? Was I always coming here? Why didn’t I realize this is where I was leading to all along? Why did I think it would all be okay in the end? How does a broken attempts ever equate to anything promising? I’m crumbling.

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I’m tired. Tired of being patient, tired of just letting things slide, tired of trying to do the right thing, not for myself but him.

He’s made me hate myself when I could barely love myself. It’s suffocating, some days I can barely breathe. 

He tells me he loves me and promises me the world, every day. But all that‘s burning in the back of my mind is how his sister publicly made a statement insinuating he could do better than me or the time he asked his ex to wait for him.

I am not good enough and I know this, just don’t ask me to try and be better. Let the world mold me into what I could be, not what you want me to be. 

Just, for once. Please, let me be.

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