She Was Sea

Don’t expect me to ease your pain, by telling you it’s okay because I won’t. It’s not okay, never was, and never will be. 

When I say I love you, do you think I mean it?
When I say I love you, do you think I’m sure?
When I say I love you, do you think I as in me and you as in YOU.

It’s terrifying how badly I want to hold onto these little moments. When I know even this too, won’t last forever. Because no good thing ever does.

Foolishly giving into these temporary highs, a high-end dream that lasts an hour or two which then spurs back to reality, where life screws you over again and again.

You are a book without an ending, an impulse without a name and a home without an address.

Don’t sit by me to watch me as I cry. Don’t ask me to talk and then get mad at me for not talking because I can’t find the words to say or because my throat closes up every time I try.

We are both hurting the same. You can’t fix me because I can’t fix you.

Sadness doesn’t even do justice to the pain I feel inside me.

Everything is a lie.

You know, maternal love shouldn’t be determined by how you are as a person. It is supposed to be there. And if it isn’t, nothing you do could change that, and even if it did it won’t be long-lasting. I’m tired of searching for my place in the world. I don’t think I belong here.

And this is why I will never have children. Motherhood is a scam.

Walking on eggshells carrying my heart around from safe to safe desperately trying to keep it away, locked up.

I smiled for two days and now I’m back to sulking. It’s wrong to be hopeful in this world. Just when you think it could be better oh boy it drowns you in unimaginable doubt and controversy.

Do you know what keeps me going these days?

You’re what keeps me going these days. I wake up thinking of you, breathing a different air than I have in a long time.

The surrealness of your interest in me, even when I couldn’t be interested in myself.

You make me want to be happy again.

I wish I knew how to go back to being me, the girl that was so fearlessly herself no matter what the world thought of her. Over the years, I ended up forcing her deep into my skin which allowed me to grow a thicker skin as it was easier to survive without feeling so intense. Now I’m told I need her back, and she’s refusing to come back. Who knew choosing to feel less would mean being stuck with traumas of which the explanations were no longer accessible because you’ve carefully locked away shredded memories as they brought nothing but pain.

At this point, everything I am writing is, for myself. I’m embarking on this journey to rediscover myself, heal, come to terms with life, and re-love me. I didn’t realize that I’d fallen out of love with myself but that I did, as I subconsciously began to loath my existence. The wrong relationship can wreck you to pieces. And I’m not making it sound poetic or anything. It breaks you apart. It’s not visible but every minute is crippling.

The beauty of life is that it goes on, even when you don’t want to. We face multiple losses every day. The loss of a love, a friendship, a parent and even the loss of the desire to live. And yet, despite all, life keeps going on. And in that moment it doesn’t make sense that it does. Why doesn’t it stop? Why doesn’t it grieve, why won’t it give you the time you need?. But the fact it does is the reason we overcome so many things. The fact that it won’t stop for us, the fact that it won’t consume us in our losses even when it felt like the end of the world.

So know this, the pain that you carry in your heart won’t last forever.