No, it’snot okay. You broke my heart again. But I can’t tell you that, I can’t complain. You stopped being responsible for my heart long back. Why did I try so hard tho, what did i think would change? Why did i hope you being around would help me unfuck myself? instead it has fucked me up even more. Just when I thought nothing worse could happen, there it was, in my face. Why, why do I make so bad choices. I can’t do this anymore.

And I’ll fall for it all over again. Even though somethings can’t be forgiven there’s nothing I wouldn’t forgive to have you back in my life.

Could’ve forgotten all about this entirely, but I couldn’t do that, could I? Closing a book doesn’t make the story go away. And I’m a story in writing, I am still a girl who’s running away from her past. As hard as it may be, all I can do is hope and keep walking further away from everything. And here I am, walked right into myself tonight.

A kind heart once tortured, grows cold overtime. Thus is the story of my heart.

Here’s a girl who once loved so deeply and so blindly, she was also stupid. Very stupid.  The last few months made me realize thing’s I’d never wanted to admit to in the past. It taught me reality and what the present day held. It’s not the past that makes you who you are. It’s what you do with yourself after that past leaves you in nothing but ashes.

Please don’t give up on me when I shut down. Be there for me, that’s all I ask for. Let me know if this is too much to ask for? It’s taking me sometime to be myself again. This is the wake after a storm and you’re the morning sun that’s of relief. The war is over and I’m headed home with you.

Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I don’t feel beautiful.

Don’t tell me how beautiful I looked the night you saw me for the first time, where you stared at me for hours while I was in distress and you had no clue who I even was.

Sure I noticed you staring, but I couldn’t be bothered, my world was stumbling down and some guy looking at me wasn’t going to change that.

Now you know me a little more, don’t compliment my beauty. If you truly like me tell me you like how my mind works, tell me you like dark and twisted. Tell me you’re fascinated by my bizarre concepts, tell me they make sense. Tell me you understand.

Tell me it’s okay to be fucked up. Tell me it’s okay. Tell me you’ll hold me despite, and do so.

I’d stay for that, I’ll allow that.

When you’ve been anticipating something for so long life eventually starts making you believe everything leads towards the possibility. Not too later, reality check and if you have any bit of sanity left in you, you realise fate is bullshit and there is no destiny. Well not entirely true, destiny exists. Even if it’s the whale in Finding  Dory. But it’s never what you anticipated and never what you wished for. Life has it’s own plans sometimes. You can’t plan everything. It’ll surprise you every day.

It’s simple. Things will never be the same again. I will never be the same again. I will never be the person I used to be before life fucked itself up. I’ll never be as kind as I once was, or as sensitive. Parts wich I miss, I miss being who I was. I miss feeling the way I felt, I miss myself. I am stuck in this world of mine which has become so foreign now.

I guess from the very beginning there was a certain way about you. Which explains all the million times I distanced and shut you out. But then eventually, I took you as a really good friend who stuck by and cared a bit or something. And that meant something to me. Because I don’t have those kind of people in my life, not anymore. Someone who knows everything, my best and my worst yet sticks around. I know that makes me sound like a sad little bitch but maybe that is what I am. And when you were telling me about how you’ve felt about me all along, I remember asking you to stop, because I knew once I heard the words I’d never be able to unhear them and that would change things. Like I predicted, it did.

I know better than to not trust a man with a smart mouth, I know because I’ve seen what they can do. But you’d been around long enough, coming from you they sounded a little convincing.

Once you’ve already had your favorite story written and the book ended. You wonder if you’ll ever have a story as beautiful. I did. It’s hard to not compare because this feeling, the giddiness. Hardly being able to contain myself and I don’t even know why.

It stopped being about me and it was all about her. Guess that’s what pain does.

You let her float in your arms and held her hand over this sand. You kiss her under the same sun while it burns my skin, you keep her warm in this deadly storm where I have nothing but my blanket for survival.

I’ve been replaced.

I write your name in the water, where it leaves no trace. Only what fools do.

I keep singing to the sky your favorite song, the one that keeps echoing in my head. Like you, everything that reminds me of you alive as ever in my head.

How foolish can a person be. This is where I accept I’ve lost my mind.

Like a little helpless child who’s waiting alone, for being called into the principles office because you’ve done something wrong. That feeling, that feeling of waiting with terror not knowing what’s going to happen once you go in. That feeling. That’s what I’m feeling, while sitting in this cab en route home. Except I haven’t been called home. I’m about to barge into the place I’m least wanted. Recharging myself with every step.

May 12, 2016

Ive revisted old memories and moments pining to relive them countless times. Praying for a moment as good, a story as beautiful and a chance to make it right once more. That’s all I’ve done. Wishing I could undo and unfuck the best thing I had or pray wish and wait for another dart to hit me. A life changing one. The comparison never stops. The ‘he’s just not you’ never grows out, but you eventually come to terms with its okay that he’s not you, we never leraned to love right anyway starts making sense.

Evrytime I looked back at how we fell in love I hated how I didn’t realise our best moments while I was in them. Like the time you gave me the first rose, outside Symphony, after our first date. You pulled it out of your pocket and I was in awe ‘cuz you had a rose sitting in your pocket pricking your tummy the entire dinner and I didn’t even know. My cousin got married tonight, at Symphony. Remember how it used to be our favorite restaurant and the first date was so good that we never went back because we didn’t want new memories piling up on our first date ever, because it was that special?. Haven’t been to the place in years. Tonight when I passed by, I actually stopped, and looked back at the spot where we had stood years back living our best moment to come, and it saddened me that I didn’t know then that it was going to be the best night of my life for years to come. What a night it was, that rose all dried still lies inside my journal.

Tonight, I lived one of the best moments and while I was in it, I knew, I knew for so damn sure. And that made me so happy, to know that another beautiful story is blooming and I would no longer keep writing about the old one.