Some romances take forever to phaseout. As they see into your world wildly and closely, compelling secrets you yourself struggled with words, for being suppressed too long. Silly boy. He didn’t realize you were praying silently with every word uttered, for him to stay. As you couldn’t bear the thought of him walking away knowing your wretched tales, yet you couldn’t stop. Foolish child believed this man would love her endlessly like he promised. She was wrong about him. He didn’t love her endlessly, more likely he never loved her at all. It’s an era of nothing till you pick your ringing phone to hear him on the other end. His voice unrecognizable yet the name as familiar as your own. This drags you seven long years back. Seventeen, when you had your entire life to live. Instead drowned in piles of sorrow and heartbreak when the world decided to show you how humans were. Foolish little child thought he was her life line. When in fact he was nothing, he did not exist. He was her train of thought, the name she wrote on every table of her school. Every song she listened to and every poem she read. But he didn’t exist, not in her world at least.

You found me lost and made me yours. Shed your light through the cracks of my heart. Built me a home in your arms and made me yours.

You’re my home and I don’t know what I’m without you. Take you out of my life and I don’t know who I am. That’s frustrating because every time you make me want to fucking leave I don’t know where the fuck to go or which way to go. Where the fuck do I go away from you when you’re all I know. When you protected me from myself how do I trust myself anymore.

This time it’s different. I feel more numb than hurt. More angry even. It’s like the half second laughing gas effect. Everything goes really quiet in your head and you hear your own heartbeat. Just when that gets too lousy you’re chased back to reality.

How could I not be angry. I lived up to the person I thought I could never be. Only to find out what I’d have rather not known.

Anger lingering in blood spilled wounds. Each one, a reminder of a time the world made it impossible to fight. Each bruise a reminder of a time darkness felt eternal.

For some, brave are the people who set themselves free knowing the world will never be the same again. For others brave are the ones who accept life as it is without pining for what’s not there. Realists show the most courage as they take on the world by what is is, than for what it could be.

Fate. None of it? Coincidence. All of it?

Why.

You’re a mystery yet you’re all I know. You’re a stranger who’s face I no longer reckon yet I catch you in crowds & if I’m really unlucky you’re just what I find.

Love. Oh love.

Fuck love, right? If you don’t agree, stop reading.

It hits you in the middle of a crowd, it hits you with a dozen people at sight. You go weak, your legs wobble and your drink slips. Love makes you dizzy at first sight. It hits you. It hits you hard. So hard you wonder if you’ll ever piece yourself back together, when the feeling leaves you. Because at the beginning and even at the end you need your whole self to heal.

How do I explain that ever since I got over you I’ve been feeling so hollow and empty.
How do I explain I lived to love you.

Leap of faith. Doubts. Uncertainty.

He was too nice. I told my friends he was too nice. What could be wrong with someone who was too nice? There he was, willing to give me his all and I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.

Too hungover from the past love or was my mind wandering to someone else? I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure what I was doing until I’d done it. Until I’d blown him off. Until I’d hurt someone for my selfishness. Until I’d just left him hanging. Until I left him cold.

October 10, 2016.

He wasn’t the one.

Sparks, the fireworks and knots of butterflies right before your first date, or the moment you notice the color of their eyes. Letting the excitement sink while you allow yourself to calm down hoping to not look stupid & eagerly for the rush you’ve been longing to feel all along with their first touch. A sign. A flicker..

When you don’t feel either of the above, darling, walk away. Save him from the misery and walk away. Dating gets better over time people say, but feelings don’t just change overnight. If you don’t feel a certain way towards someone, the people rooting for it won’t matter and your heart won’t change. It’s the click, the click didn’t happen. Move along. Pave the way for what truly awaits you. 

I loved our ‘how we met’ story, but was that enough? I loved how he found me, in a cafe’ on a super drizzly night while I sipped my favorite tea, there he was, a few tables away. (A complete Taylor Swift fantasy). After I left, his friend request popped up. And I definitely knew it was from the strange looking guy who stared too much. That’s how we began. Another story unfolding to explore the depths of my heart.

He was easy to talk to, and I admired his gentleness. I wasn’t nervous around him. No butterflies. No anxiety. It was awfully comfortable. And I thought maybe, just maybe this is what I want. No drama, upfront honestly. It seemed a good sign since it felt very mature to not feel all these childish things that made us feel stupid and insecure whenever we start going out with someone new. Wrong. I was wrong.

When we held hands and our lips touched for the first time, I expected the long over due butterflies and anxiety. But no, no sign of either. And not too soon after here I am rolling my eyes at the sweetest things while being annoyed by it.

He was perfect, kind and genuine. But I needed my butterflies, I need to feel stupid and childish and wonder and anticipate how things will unfold. I need something to feel giddy about. I needed the thrill of a new found romance rather than a laid out heart. I needed the fear, the terror of losing him. If there was no fear of losing him, did I want him enough?

It’s not him, it’s me. He deserves much better. He deserves someone who would feel giddy about him. It wasn’t me.

And now I am deeply irritated by the word honey and kiss emoji’s. I’ve sailed through many storms now that a calm sea just won’t do.

That’s how you know it’s the end.

My plea of acceptance justifies my fear of negligence. I was never a bad person, but a walking rebel. I’ve done many stupid things but always had my reasons. When my mum lectures me about the future, only thing she’s forgetting is that I’m a woman who has learned the world is never what it seems. I am a woman who has learned her lessons beyond her sunsets. I’m a woman who’s cried many tears for reasons people will never know.

I am still and always will be the girl running from all her yesterday’s. I feel exposed, feels as if the world knows too much – why am I complaining when I’ve put them all out there myself right?, but karma caught on yeah. Perhaps I’ve told a few too many things I shouldn’t have.

The need to share, the need to be heard and understood ruined so much of me. I finally had to stop.