I read your message and locked my phone away. Then I picked it up again, opened it, and read it a second time. Then a third. Then a fourth. Each time, I seemed to find a different emotion waiting for me. First, there was anger. Then sadness. Then disappointment. Eventually, all of those feelings settled into something quieter and heavier. Defeat.
At first, I assumed it was closure. I thought it was your way of saying, I’m sorry, but I can’t be what you need me to be.The strange thing is, I think I had already made peace with that possibility long before your message arrived. I had spent enough nights wrestling with reality to understand that some people come into your life only to leave before they become what you hoped they would. Hearing you finally say it out loud would have hurt, but it would have at least made sense.
A part of me even wanted to thank you for being honest. There was a small part of me that appreciated finally being given the truth instead of another question to carry around. But gratitude felt impossible. I could not bring myself to applaud the smallest act of kindness after enduring so many moments that had felt careless. Honesty should not feel extraordinary. It should not feel like a gift. It should be the bare minimum. So while I appreciated it, I could not celebrate it.
Then the phone rang.
It was you.
And despite everything, I answered without hesitation.
The conversation felt familiar in a way that almost annoyed me. It was so easy to slip back into it, so easy to forget all the reasons I had spent days trying to let you go. My heart immediately softened. It loved wherever the conversation seemed to be heading. It loved the ease of it, the familiarity of your voice, the possibility that maybe things were not as final as I had convinced myself they were. But while my heart was leaning into the conversation, my mind was resisting every step of the way.
I could not ignore what had happened. I could not pretend that you could disappear when it suited you and reappear when you felt ready. I could not keep making room for someone who seemed unsure whether they wanted to stay. There comes a point where understanding someone starts looking a lot like abandoning yourself, and I was dangerously close to that line.
What bothered me most was when you said you knew I could never hate you. The certainty of it irritated me more than I expected. I hated how confident you sounded, as though my forgiveness was guaranteed. As though no matter what happened, no matter how many times I was disappointed, I would always find a way to understand you. It felt unfair that you could be so sure of something that I myself was still trying to figure out.
Why couldn’t I hate you?
I had every reason to.
I could make a list if I wanted to. I could point to every moment that hurt, every unanswered question, every time I felt forgotten. I could revisit the waiting, the confusion, the feeling of being suspended between hope and reality. If I truly wanted to hate you, there was enough material there to build a convincing argument.
But the truth is, I didn’t hate you.
What I hated was myself.
I hated what I had become over you. I hated how much power I had given a situation that should have been so simple. I hated how much of my peace I sacrificed trying to understand someone who seemed unwilling or unable to explain himself. Most of all, I hated the lengths I went to in order to forget you. The distractions. The rationalizations. The bargaining. The desperate attempts to convince myself I did not care when I clearly did.
For days, I walked around believing I meant nothing to you. I told myself that if I mattered, things would be different. If I mattered, you would show up. If I mattered, I would not be left guessing. Every silence became evidence. Every absence became proof. Every disappointment reinforced the story I was beginning to tell myself.
And yet, somewhere beneath all of that, my heart refused to cooperate.
No matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise, there was always a small voice whispering that you cared. I dismissed it constantly. I told myself it was delusion. I told myself it was wishful thinking. I told myself it was simply my heart trying to ease its own pain. But it persisted anyway, quietly insisting on seeing something good in you even when I was trying my hardest not to.
So I waited.
I waited for messages. I waited for explanations. I waited for effort. I waited for some sign that the connection I felt had not existed entirely inside my own head. I kept waiting for someone who, from my perspective, simply was not showing up.
And after a while, I started feeling foolish.
I would catch myself checking my phone and immediately feel embarrassed. I would replay conversations and wonder what exactly I was searching for. I would sit with my own disappointment and think, What are you doing? Why are you still doing this?
That may be the hardest thing to forgive. Not what you did, but what your absence convinced me to think about myself. The way I started measuring my worth against your willingness to show up. The way I allowed your inconsistency to become a reflection of my value. The way I slowly began questioning things about myself that had nothing to do with me at all.
And after all of that, after the waiting and the confusion, after all the nights spent trying to make sense of things that made no sense, after all the moments I spent feeling unwanted, unseen, and insignificant, you simply get to say you’re sorry?
You simply get to arrive with an apology after I have already carried the weight of everything that made the apology necessary.
I think that is what hurt the most. Not the apology itself, because I genuinely believe you meant it. Not even the fact that you were sorry. What hurt was realizing that while you were apologizing for a wound, I had already lived through it. I had already spent days bleeding from it. I had already questioned myself because of it.
By the time the apology arrived, the damage had already done its work.
She Was Sea 