She Was Sea

I think life, the way we know it, is beautiful because we wake up every day and grow a little every day. We learn more, we meet different people, we experience different perspectives, and we witness so many different lives.

Recently, I came across a quote, probably from a movie, that asked: why do people get married? And the obvious answer was, duh, because you love them. Right?

And then the quote goes, no. We get married because we want a witness to our lives.

And when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Why else? You want to live an amazing life, but if there isn’t anyone to witness it all, doesn’t it become a little dull?

Maybe my perspective is different because all I do is marketing. Even the coolest things you do in business become dull when they aren’t marketed well. Human relationships are no different. You could be an amazing person with amazing hobbies, big passions, and great dreams. But without someone to witness your pursuit of it all, how fun is any of it, really?

In this amazing life of mine, one that has taken such an unexpected turn over the last couple of years, I met a friend who asked me about men. My ideal partner, to be precise.

And I never really have an answer to that. Who am I looking for? Or am I even looking at all?

Despite all the confusion, there’s always someone witnessing my life in some sense.

But my answer was what surprised her. I told her I was okay with settling for someone. Maybe I didn’t really think it through, or maybe I don’t say what I feel out loud because I’m afraid to admit I want it all.

Wouldn’t that be a shame? I mean, wanting it all is one thing, but admitting to it? Oh, I wouldn’t be able to stand it.

So she asked, “Don’t you want a fairytale?”

I think my heart stopped.

She meant, didn’t I want to meet the love of my life? To have an amazing life, the wedding, children, family, and the kind of bliss I wouldn’t even allow myself to dream about because it always felt untouchable.

I never grew up thinking I was the type of girl who could have a fairytale life. Sure, I occasionally thought about the wedding and the family, but it just never worked. Maybe I had those conversations with all the wrong men.

But now, I’m thinking.

With all these influences around me, and getting swept into them, what if I kind of say it out loud, despite the shame I feel so inwardly?

What if I want the fairytale?

No.

I want the fairy tale.

I want to meet the love of my life, despite how hard it has become to believe that kind of love exists. I want them to fall crazily in love with me. Illogical, unreasonable, irrevocable. The “I worship the ground you walk on” type of love. Yes, maybe I’ve been slightly brainwashed by movies, books, and fantasies, but despite it all, I do.

And I want the family too. I want it with the man who restores my faith in humanity and in love. Someone who doesn’t make me think, what if all of this happens and then it ends? Someone who feels certain. Someone who never leaves me, despite how impossible this world has made that feel.

And I never want to feel like an inconvenience in someone else’s life.

I have had lower standards before. I have been okay with a lot because I was practical. Realistic.

But with all the changing influences around me, and after witnessing the true magic life can hold, I kind of want someone who hasn’t spent their once-in-a-lifetime experiences with someone else.

Time, love, and attention that shouldn’t belong to others. Time, love, and attention that I deserve, and have every right to.

I want it all.

But maybe that’s my problem too. I’m not naive enough to believe in it the way I probably should.

And maybe this will forever remain one of my life’s greatest grievances: why wasn’t I the girl all of this happened to?