This has to be the worst part. I had plans last night and got this insane headache where I couldn’t even open my eyes, so I had to cancel and rest. Now I’m awake early in the morning, starving, with no food at home. And no one I could ring up to have breakfast with because obviously everyone’s still sleeping, and of course I’ve cut my circle to a little zero, so I don’t have many options. So do I go alone? I don’t feel like going alone. But I am starving. This is so sad.
Being sick and alone is the absolute worst thing. But it’s really my fault; I don’t like when people nurture either unless I allow them to. A woman’s troubles between wanting to be left alone and being really left alone.
Oh well. Fuck.
But let’s contemplate them while I stay in bed until it’s 7.
Meanwhile, here’s a message to those who read my blog: thank you for reading it. I wouldn’t know why you read it, but I would hope that it’s because you relate to it on some level, and if I’m able to articulate my experiences into words in a way that allows you to understand it better, it means the world to me. I might not respond to every message you send, but I do see them, and it warms my heart.
On that note, I’d also like to note that it’s not sympathy or pity that I seek, though I do understand how sad and blue most of what I write is. The truth is, I’m just a melancholic person, and I’m able to write better from my sadness, which is easier to channel as I’ve been sad most of my life, so that’s where the inspiration comes from.
And I write as a way of coping; I’ve done it for years, and now it’s become systematic therapy.
Thank you for reading; it means the world to me.
Ok, so food wins, and I’m off. 🤍
She Was Sea 
I realise that you didn’t exactly ask to know, but since you mentioned it, I thought to write something about my perspective; so here it goes.
I guess it’s neither sympathy or pity that brings me to this blog, but maybe simply because you’re the only person on my social media with a blog that they regularly (sort of) update. Even then, would not be lying when I say that, I only remember to check it for updates when you happen to post something on social media (cue my brain goes, “she has the blog also”). Sometimes, weeks would go by, and I’d have to your binge read all the missed blog posts.
It’s always interesting, to see the number of rollercoaster turns your emotions and relationships take in a span of few missed blog posts. More than pity, I’m just in awe that there’re people out there, you included, who’re able to articulate and express their emotions and experiences without needing weeks to reflect on them. It’s a refreshing and not so refreshing experience to read, in the sense, there are things occasionally I find relating to my own experiences; and yes, sometimes the way you articulated them did help me understand it better.
Other times, I just wanted to help you the same, to reach out across the screen and pull you away from all the loneliness, loss and hurt. It’s not a saving people thing, trust me, you seem to have had enough of them, rather it’s just so frustrating to see someone stuck in a loop they understand too well, but unable to break out of. Always wishing that you’d listen to your own advice that you so effortlessly give in your posts.
I’ll admit, it was a bit disheartening to know you were by yourself during Eid holidays. Nobody deserves to be left alone, especially on days that are supposed to be celebrated with people. Neither should you be having food by yourself, and I sincerely believe that half the taste and joy comes having company for it.
I’d bid you to not give heed to whether who’s in the circle or not (it’s a self made trapping if nothing else), to reach out to people out of that circle, find people you don’t need to tie down to a circle. Then again it would also be pretty hypocritical of me, telling you to do something I never found the courage to do, whenever I’d wonder about (and how stupid it’d be to try) reaching out to you beyond this blog.
I don’t know about your other readers, but I liken this blog to having a pen pal (anonymous and unsolicited as it is) who I can write to without any pretenses and cordiality of real life acquaintances. It probably is therapeutic for me as well, in a weird sense, and I’d wager that you’d have plenty other readers you’ve inadvertently helped cope with their demons.
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That was so beautifully written and gave me just the perspective I needed. Thank you! 🤍
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