I’ve been in love, so many times. And all of them were different once-in-a whatever kind of love.

At first, it was when I was 14. He taught me how deceiving men were, the lies, cheating, bullying, it was painful. It was the end of the world to a 14-year-old. Now I can laugh it off thankfully.

And then it happened when I was 17. I was a little older, a little wiser, but still very young. This man stole my heart so effortlessly, he charmed his way into my life. And when he left he also broke my heart. And this time, I never completely recovered.

And then there it was again, Love. I was 19 this time. I was ready, I’d been waiting for that sweep-me-off-my-feet kinda love. The real love, the great one. And he did, he swept me off my feet, turned my whole world around. I gave him my world. He gave me numerous lessons. Lessons of love, heartbreak, trust, devotion, commitment & responsibility. This love knocked me off my feet. When it was over, I was no more. I was only the ghost of the girl I once was.

And then love came knocking once more, I was 23 this time. A little older, a little desperate, and so so lost. He held my hand through chaos, he walked the storm with me, promised to love me till the end. But maybe by then, I was incapable of love. I couldn’t love him, I tried. But my heart never completely gave in. It played safe, it walked around the lanes of his heart but never went in. It was afraid that if it did go in it would never have the luxury of coming out of it. And finally, it ate us up. Our love was like the food I left out for too long. It went bad, slow. There were moments that my heart knew it would only survive with this man, but then the moment would pass and I’d wake up feeling differently. I couldn’t love him like he loved me. I was holding back. I was afraid of losing myself to him.

And then came another love, I was 26 this time. Let me call it friendship, because I found a friend in him first. A friend I could always count on, a friend who was always there for me. A friend who understood me beyond the words that came out of me. He was what saved me. He allowed me to find myself again, he taught me to love myself, he loved me in a way that I fell in love with myself, and I love him for that. I always will. But, he was never mine. The unattainable love felt ideal. I wasn’t losing myself.

And then, the 27-year-old, very cynical, very broken me, found love again, for a brief moment. A best friend, a lover, a person I envisioned my future with, for the first time in a long time. I made an effort and opened my heart to him. Truth was, I couldn’t help but. He had a way with me. I wanted it to be my final love story. When it ended, it hurt me so much, it felt like the pain of every breakup I’d gone through, all at once. I accepted defeat. I handed over my badge. I was done with love.

I’m 28 now. And there’s no one I think of when love songs come on, no one I’m sad about when sad songs play. I feel nothing where I should feel everything. I’m out of love. I’m not exaggerating. I am out love. Whatever I have felt in the past, feels so foreign now. The certainty, the crazy I-need-to-be-with-you feels like a dream from a long time back. I don’t know if my subconscious swore it would never feel the way it felt again, but whatever it is, there’s certainly something missing in my soul. It feels empty. But safe. No empty promises crusading the empty hallways of my heart.

Because everything that once was isn’t anymore. When sad love songs come on, I don’t think of anyone. When happy love songs come on, no one comes to mind either. All the loves came and went, and I remain alone in my chambers. Yet I’m constantly with someone, caught up in some cheap romance. Whatever for, I don’t know. Distractions. I know people think that I’m scared, but, I’m out here, dating people, doing shit. Would I do that if I were scared?. But maybe all the half-ass romances are because of it. I don’t know. There’s nothing real out there.

What if I’m only capable of halfway romances.
What if my heart will never want anyone enough, again?

Maybe I just have to be patient. And trust the process. Hopefully, this one thought can put me to sleep tonight, and every night after.