She Was Sea

I feel lost. More than I did before. I can’t seem to understand why. When I think about it too much pops into my head and yet, I don’t understand it at all. Clarity is so far off, that nothing even begins to make sense. But maybe, that is how we all feel these days. Nothing is certain, and uncertainty seems to be crippling. It seems that no matter how hard you work to secure yourself, your emotions and your health, the course of life ends up disrupting it all. Often with a big fuck you. I used to think I had come far, from all my pain and all my wounds. All the unaddressed trauma. I was wrong, it’s only dormant. Still very much alive, resting in corners to tick you off when you least expect it. How must one break free when all of it is slowly breaking you down. I can’t trust anyone. Not a single person. And that is a wretched way to be living. It’s exhausting, being the only person you can count on. Even when so many love you, you’re still very alone. With all your demons persisting that it is never going to be any other way. It feels like a privilege to have someone you can lean on, to have someone you can ask to take it from here, that I need a minute or two. From this chaos. Words keep running dry. Maybe because I feel too much, or feel nothing at all. It’s all dormant. It is not a blessing, to not understand you, to not feel. And yet, be tangled in wrath. How I wish to be free, free from it all. All my foolish decisions, and myself. This life has driven me to its edge. Denial has killed me. Writing about heartbreak has become pointless. Finding love is no longer a desire. Passion is long lost. How am I to carry on.