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Blame Game

2014

I’ve thought and thought about everything that has been happening, to us. As much as I hate admitting, you were right. I changed. It was hard for me to accept ‘cause I’ve never been the kind to take anything or anyone in my life for granted, not especially you. I cherish you everyday.
Pretty much everything’s changed, mostly the love. It’s pretty tough. It’s a bit too late to realize this now but it’s horrible to let just one person affect everything you do with just one single move. You’re unfortunately that, for me. My world. My EVERYTHING. I love you that much.
Last night it crossed me, maybe you’re the guy I’ll love hopelessly with all my heart and for years. And we lose each other eventually, for good. All the drama will get us sicken. Almost already there I think. We fight too often, over the silliest things. And it’s not the fighting that hurts most. The things you don’t say to me when we are okay. It’s like you bottle things up, and let it flow when I’m at my lowest. Which breaks me into a million more pieces every time.
I know, I can be irritating and demanding. Which is your excuse to be cruel and heartless. Guilty as charged but, I wasn’t like this before. Remember?
Sure I was unhappy but I was never mad like this, ‘cause I was so afraid of losing you over something so little, like my happiness. I changed subconsciously. I just wanted to be free and guilt free and for once be able to say and do what I want. Because I was so tired of the chase. So so tired of crying and hiding my feelings.
But obviously I want you more, I’ll be a nothing without you. I know you can easily move on. You’ve always been so cold. What scares me most is I know that the moment we’re over you’ll go back to being that monster. And I can’t just deal with that. Looking back I’m not even sure how I put up with all the hate, I flatter my guts for the humiliation and embarrassment I bared, for this. You were my conquest. My battle. But you only gave in when I gave up. So clearly, you won. Like you always do. Whatever I feel, you’ll find a way to prove me guilty.
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He’s everything.

2014

We’re fine once again, for a while I almost thought we’d never be. Believed that it was over. And then the tables turned, he came through just for me. Only when I thought it was over he proved me wrong. I never thought he would. Not that I doubt his feelings for me. But he’s never been the kind to come through. Sometimes I give him very little credit to his doings and expect a lot less than what he offers. High hopes never do me good. But he surprised me. Made me realize that nothing was more important to him too, than our relationship. Nothing’s more important to me too. And it aches that he doesn’t see that I too wouldn’t choose anything or anyone above him. But there are tricky situations and yes I take time making up my mind which gives him time to assume more. I’d give up everything to be with him. Anything I have is pointless without him to celebrate. He’s what makes me whole. He’s what holds me together. He’s the reason I hope. No one in this world could possibly love me more than he does. No one can put up with my shit like he does. No one can piss me off more one second and melt my heart the next. He’s everything, easy to love, difficult to be with. Caring, arrogant. Absent & annoying, and I can’t live without him. I can’t go a single day without him. I’m nothing without him by my side . He’s all I am. He’s all I love. He’s all I live for. He’s my dream. He’s my yesterday, today and tomorrow. He’s everything.

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