Uncategorized

Fuck My Life.

February 26, 2015

 

 I can never be happy with how I’ve turned out. I’ve always wanted to be strong and independent. I believe I am, but after so much has been ruined. It takes a lot of bullshit to immune yourself to the crap the world and the assholes spin for you, I think I’m finally there. I can take anything. Just not another heartbreak. They fucking hurt the most. My heart has been broken too many times yet it fucking beats, thank god for that. Thank god I didn’t have the courage to kill myself when everything was shit, thank god I lived.
Al hamdu lillah I survived.
 I’m sitting here at work with nothing much to do and I have this strange urge to list down the shitty things that has happened to me. Mostly because there’s just so many of them, and I don’t know how I’m so okay with everything that had happened.

When I was 15yrs old, I met this guy who tried to rape me but then grew so fond of me he decided to keep me around, under his terms. I sucked into his threats and blackmail, he kept trying to fuck me over and over. But it wasn’t easy since I was a virgin. He finally decided to fuck me in the ass since it wasn’t happening. So I was brutally fucked in the ass. My cries were ignored. Later I got knocked up by the same guy, I was sixteen and hopeless. Survived and took care of it on my own. It wasn’t easy. It was painful, a part of me fantasized of motherhood but I wasn’t ready. I went through all of this alone, I didn’t vent to anyone. Didn’t talk about it. I was sixteen. And in between all these I was abused continuously for three months by this guy my parents sent me abroad with, for studies. He came onto me when I slept and shit. It was fucking horrible, the worst of it was I wasn’t allowed to say a word of it to anyone. He fucked me up so bad, mentally, I was scared shit of him. Three months is a long time to live in a jail with a monster. I don’t know how I did it. It fucks me up even today to think how just how I managed without going insane. After I got rid of that I was sent straight back to the hell hole by my ignorant parents, and then I sort of lost my way. I was wronged  a couple of more times while all that lead me astray. And all of this when I was 15-16yrs young. 

So that’s how fucked up my  life has been.

I fell in love when I was fourteen, I was over the moon about it. but three months later I found out he was already with someone else and I was nothing more than a secret affair. I was completely shattered, my parents got divorced on the same day. Nothing would’ve been worse.
Many more guys came into my life, but anyone I ever loved, left.
When I was little I had a nanny, since my mom worked, my dad married  her, and moved out. I love my father more than anything. But he left me when I most needed him around, and he ignored the shit I went through even after knowing.
So I have daddy issues, and I’m insecure as fuck. But I survived all of these, without therapy. So excuse me if I’m still mourning over the one guy that I most wanted to stay. He’s the only person that would fix me. And I’m sorry if it’s annoying to see me sulk. Life has never been rainbows and butterflies. I’m only a baby when it comes to him. Every thing else I’ve handled, his absence is the hardest of them all.

 

Standard
Uncategorized

February 21, 2015

 There’s no denying I’m completely at loss without you. Life is good and work is well but without you everything’s a hundred times more meaningless. No matter what I did there’s this pit of emptiness, no matter how I tried I always end up here. 
So I cooked today, which is a huge deal ‘cause I never even go near the stove at all. And it turned out alright and all I could think was why, why isn’t he here. He should be, if there’s anyone I wanna share moments or days like this it’s you. I’m sorry everything went to shit. But even after being away I’m still all over the place without you, I vent to the wrong people the wrong things. You were my best Friend so at first I was so lost as to why I was feeling so lonely even when I had the most amazing people surrounding me except you. You were my anchor, you held me and guided me no matter what went wrong. You tolerated me. And you knew too much of me it’s impossible to even expect anyone else to ever know me like you did. We grew a little more together. And I know I’m supposed to start over, because it gets so lonely. But how do I when I’m too ashamed of myself, even with all my shit you found good in me. Nobody else would. I miss you. I will always miss you. Im tired of being strong. Tired of being okay with something that has ruined me.
Standard
Uncategorized

Au Revoir

February 11, 2015

 

Heard from someone after years, I can’t even remember how long it has been. Definitely 3 years or more. He was a huge part of my life when I was a teenager. We had great ventures together although we spent too little time. We’d talk for hours and hours whenever we spoke and I don’t know what we were. Friends or lovers or, it didn’t matter. I felt loved and cared and what not. He was amazing. I first met him through my school friend, he was her cousin brother’s classmate, much older than we were. And one night while my mum was away we decided to have a little dj. And he came too, and damn we danced. Ahaha it was the sexiest dance ever. This was in 2006 and i was 13. And then years later he texted me, in 2008 when he and his girlfriend broke up.
And I still hadn’t forgotten that dance we shared, nor had he. And even though I had a boyfriend at the time that didn’t stop me from seeing him. And thus began the most adventurous days of our lives. Sneaking around was so much fun with him, I wasn’t even scared. I loved the thrill. And then after about a month or two, he had to leave and I left abroad for my studies too. This was late 2008. And we stayed in touch through out. He was there when I needed him. And we made plans to see each other again in early 2012. And we did. And it was the best date ever. The most great, and then I did hear from him once or twice. But then he was gone. Completely gone. Without a trace. I did wonder what happened but I got over it. I was used to him not being mine. But he was a great person and I wouldn’t mind if I’d fallen for him. Luckily I didn’t, would have been such a massive heart-break. And about a year or two later I heard he was back in Maldives and married too. I’ve seen him around with his wife and I always look away, ashamed. Not knowing what went wrong.
But these messages made my day, what he had to say made my day. This was wonderful. And it probably is ‘Au Revoir’.
Standard
Uncategorized

Best Friends

February 07, 2015

I’ve been good. Not that you’ll ever care. But today  was one of those lonely in my mind days. I’ve learned to be strong by now, it’s not that it doesn’t hurt but because my feelings and emotions were ruled out as invalid by the people I counted on the most. My best friends chose you. Even after you broke my heart, it was hard enough being dumped and then having no friends at all to be gloomy with. Cutting them off wasn’t an option, I loved them. But they loved you more. I couldn’t imagine being nice to a guy who let alone hangout or remain friends with someone who shattered one of my best friends world. But they did, they love you and enjoyed your presence more. You break her heart I’ll break your legs wasn’t a thing anymore. So I was alone in my misery. I work away the whole week and come and meet my best friends who adore you. And it breaks me and when it does they don’t care to hold me. That’s when I questioned if I even had friends at all. Cuz it certainly didn’t feel like it when I was crying my eyes out in the next room all alone over their cruel comments. But thanks to them, I’ve learnt to hide my invalid feelings around the bunch who don’t care. Sadly they are my best friends for life. Love them, to bits.

Standard
Uncategorized

January 22, 2015

After almost 3 months, it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. I can finally say I see the possibility of living without you. Today would’ve been our 11 month anniversary. But we stopped counting long back. It’s true the pain has become more bearable now, and the flashbacks don’t come as often. And I’m beginning to understand why this was the best thing for both of us.
We both tried, and loved each other like hell. One of us just didn’t love enough to stay. 
Have a happy life you. You’ll always be ‘The One That Got Away’. 
I’ll still cry when I hear songs like Fix You & Won’t Go Home Without you & Unintended & Wicked Games and so much more. But they’ll always remind me of my happiest days. I’ve learnt that being happy for what had been would give me more closure than anything else. Found love at Nineteen, lost at Twenty One. 
Thank You for being a part of my life.

Standard
Uncategorized

January 13, 2015

They’ve been so inconsiderate of my feelings lately. I don’t blame them. I really love them. But they love him more. And he loves them more. I’m the only unimportant in between. How’d it come to this? This is nothing I ever imagined. I feel so cheated on. And the funny thing is they keep telling me that this is alright. Obviously I disagree, but that’s on me. I’ve lost everything, my man to my best friends. Just because I’m dramatic they under-estimate my feelings. Guess I’ll just have to learn to live like this.

Standard
Uncategorized

January 12, 2015

Will I ever get over this? The constant crying and abrupt reminders of his absence. Does that ever stop? Specially when all your best friends have accepted him as one of us. Now they’re his friends too. Sadly none of them understand what this is doing to me. It’s killing me, every single day. No one realizes how they are torturing me by keeping in touch with him. Apparently they’d all be okay if the roles were reversed and tables were turned. So it really is my fault for feeling too much or not handling my feelings. I blame him for the torture and I blame them for not understanding. I’ve never felt more alone. They were the ones that always lead me through the darkness, but now they’ve become the darkness and I no longer see any light at the end of this tunnel.
He ruined me by loving me and then leaving me. He’s the most stubborn person I’ve known and he gave up on me. Said he couldn’t do this anymore. I was too much.  I may have been but i swear I’m madly in love with  and if that makes me a pain I’m so sorry. He says he’s happier than he’s ever been, without me. As if I’m not hurt enough already he tells me how much better everything is, without me in his life. How do I cope with this? Just how?

Standard
Uncategorized

January 10, 2015

I thought I’d go sit by the sea for a smoke before I turned myself in for the night. It was half past two already, in the morning. There was hardly anyone on the streets, I think the cops were doing some drills and they’d closed most off the roads. Yay me. I had the whole place to myself. Kind of like when Bonnie and Damon were stuck in that hell, but this was blissful. I wasn’t even scared, only a little. Felt safer ’cause I kept seeing cops. I was thinking about him. That’s all I do anyway, but tonight was sadder somehow. Wherever I went there was something to remind me of him. And then the sadness sinks in and makes himself comfortable in me. Leaving me numb. Thought of calling him, but brushed off the thought afraid he might say something which might leave me more hurt than I already was or worse, he might not even pick up. So I sucked it all in and headed for a long walk, solo. Listening to Ghost Stories by Coldplay all the way. I knew I was strong. He was the only thing that kept shooting me down over and over.

Standard
Uncategorized

 December 26, 2014

Another sleepless night, surrounded with positive energy for a change.
He left me, so what? like they say, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. So I’ve had crappy days and shitty nights missing someone who obviously doesn’t miss me. Hopefully things will get better and I will be alright. I might die a little every time I think of him but that shall pass. Because life goes on even when people die. You cope with it, the pain never goes away but you get used to it.
Standard
Uncategorized

Loved Once, Twice, & Thrice.

December 25, 2014

I wish I was cold as stone,
Then I wouldn’t feel a thing.
I wish I didn’t have this heart,
Then I wouldn’t know the sting of the rain.
I could stand strong and still,
Watching you walk away.
I wouldn’t hurt like this,
Or feel so all alone.
I wish I was cold as stone.
I met the first one when I was fourteen, saw him on the other side of the street looking smart. Blue shirt, white tie, crooked smile. Blew me away. That was the first time I ever felt such. And after a few months I see him again, the same thing happened. Followed me for a while and then he was gone. And again almost a year later I see him on my way back home from school, with his cheesy smile. And this time I smiled back for the first time. He turned around and came to me, asked for my number. I didn’t have a mobile. Gave him my email instead, and then my cousins number just in case. And then left, leaving me completely smitten. By the time I reached home I swear to god I was in love with him. I guess that’s what happens when you’re fourteen. Anyways we dated with the permission of my mom. We went out every Friday night. He picks me up sharp eight every night and we’d go for long walks. We never spoke much, I was so nervous around him and too intoxicated by his smell. Holding his hand was more than enough. It was beautiful.
I found the second one on Facebook, when I was studying in Sri Lanka. I was seventeen then and insomniac. It was 4 am when I came across one of his comments on a friends post. Couldn’t help myself from checking his profile out. And wow that smile, blew me away. Added him instantly. Had no clue what I’d say to him I just went with my instinct. Luckily, he started talking to me the next day,‘Have we met before? you seem familiar.’ The cheesiest line I’ve ever encountered but coming from him it was cute. I fell for it and we started talking. And never stopped. We started texting all day and video calling all night. I loved talking to him. He was so charming and he sings. His voice, the way he talked, his humor, the way he smiled the way he looked at me or his computer screen. It was all lovely. I was so hooked. But I wasn’t sure if it would turn into anything more since we lived miles apart and we had no clue what our futures had in stock. It was shocking when he confessed he was in love with me, I was over the moon. I had my doubts but he was insisting and convinced me what we had was real, I couldn’t deny for long. I was in love with him too. I gave him a chance, I gave him my all, trusted him with my heart, with my past, with my secrets. And he took all my doubts away. He was the realest thing. He promised he wouldn’t ever leave. That we’d never part. That someday we’d be together right next to each other. I believed him. We were in our own parallel universe. We were in love and continued to be in love for the rest of the days. But like everything else, all things beautiful must come to an end. And so did that.  He ended things, abruptly. Said in no near future we’d be physically in each others presence. I silently bared my fall, I was hurt. 

Met the third one on the set of this song I kinda shot for, he never caught my eye. I remember the first time I saw him and the first time he looked at me though. We never spoke. I was eighteen. Later he added me on Facebook and we’d talk a little. Not much, Hello’s and bye’s. We never talked for too long ’cause every time he’d ask me out and I was never interested. And then almost a year later I had to give him my number to get my friend an interview at his work place. And he started texting. I never replied the first couple of nights. but the third night I was bored as fuck and hadn’t been out in a week. So I texted back. And of course he asked me out and this time I was so glad he did. I told him to pick me up in thirty. It was already pretty late. We went out and he never stopped talking. I knew I liked him and would love to keep him as a friend since I was already kind of seeing someone else at the time. And later that night after I came home I wondered why I’d never given him a chance before. And the next day when I woke up he’d sent me the longest text I’ve ever seen, saying that he’d been up all night thinking what if he didn’t do something about what he felt and woke up fifty years later and wondered what if. I was so touched, that was the sweetest thing. Nobody’s ever been that sure of me, ever. He just told me that he wanted me and he’d fight for me. And I’d only met him once.

Standard