When you’ve been anticipating something for so long life eventually starts making you believe everything leads towards the possibility. Not too later, reality check and if you have any bit of sanity left in you, you realise fate is bullshit and there is no destiny. Well not entirely true, destiny exists. Even if it’s the whale in Finding  Dory. But it’s never what you anticipated and never what you wished for. Life has it’s own plans sometimes. You can’t plan everything. It’ll surprise you every day.

It’s simple. Things will never be the same again. I will never be the same again. I will never be the person I used to be before life fucked itself up. I’ll never be as kind as I once was, or as sensitive. Parts wich I miss, I miss being who I was. I miss feeling the way I felt, I miss myself. I am stuck in this world of mine which has become so foreign now.

I guess from the very beginning there was a certain way about you. Which explains all the million times I distanced and shut you out. But then eventually, I took you as a really good friend who stuck by and cared a bit or something. And that meant something to me. Because I don’t have those kind of people in my life, not anymore. Someone who knows everything, my best and my worst yet sticks around. I know that makes me sound like a sad little bitch but maybe that is what I am. And when you were telling me about how you’ve felt about me all along, I remember asking you to stop, because I knew once I heard the words I’d never be able to unhear them and that would change things. Like I predicted, it did.

I know better than to not trust a man with a smart mouth, I know because I’ve seen what they can do. But you’d been around long enough, coming from you they sounded a little convincing.

Once you’ve already had your favorite story written and the book ended. You wonder if you’ll ever have a story as beautiful. I did. It’s hard to not compare because this feeling, the giddiness. Hardly being able to contain myself and I don’t even know why.

It stopped being about me and it was all about her. Guess that’s what pain does.

You let her float in your arms and held her hand over this sand. You kiss her under the same sun while it burns my skin, you keep her warm in this deadly storm where I have nothing but my blanket for survival.

I’ve been replaced.

I write your name in the water, where it leaves no trace. Only what fools do.

I keep singing to the sky your favorite song, the one that keeps echoing in my head. Like you, everything that reminds me of you alive as ever in my head.

How foolish can a person be. This is where I accept I’ve lost my mind.

Like a little helpless child who’s waiting alone, for being called into the principles office because you’ve done something wrong. That feeling, that feeling of waiting with terror not knowing what’s going to happen once you go in. That feeling. That’s what I’m feeling, while sitting in this cab en route home. Except I haven’t been called home. I’m about to barge into the place I’m least wanted. Recharging myself with every step.

May 12, 2016

Ive revisted old memories and moments pining to relive them countless times. Praying for a moment as good, a story as beautiful and a chance to make it right once more. That’s all I’ve done. Wishing I could undo and unfuck the best thing I had or pray wish and wait for another dart to hit me. A life changing one. The comparison never stops. The ‘he’s just not you’ never grows out, but you eventually come to terms with its okay that he’s not you, we never leraned to love right anyway starts making sense.

Evrytime I looked back at how we fell in love I hated how I didn’t realise our best moments while I was in them. Like the time you gave me the first rose, outside Symphony, after our first date. You pulled it out of your pocket and I was in awe ‘cuz you had a rose sitting in your pocket pricking your tummy the entire dinner and I didn’t even know. My cousin got married tonight, at Symphony. Remember how it used to be our favorite restaurant and the first date was so good that we never went back because we didn’t want new memories piling up on our first date ever, because it was that special?. Haven’t been to the place in years. Tonight when I passed by, I actually stopped, and looked back at the spot where we had stood years back living our best moment to come, and it saddened me that I didn’t know then that it was going to be the best night of my life for years to come. What a night it was, that rose all dried still lies inside my journal.

Tonight, I lived one of the best moments and while I was in it, I knew, I knew for so damn sure. And that made me so happy, to know that another beautiful story is blooming and I would no longer keep writing about the old one.

Ten months gone since I built myself up the courage to say what I should’ve said when we broke up for the first time 3 years back. Instead of running to you every time I should’ve learned to run away from you. I built the courage to do what’s best for you, not me. I know it’s all bullshit to you now and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry and sorry doesn’t even cut it. And ten months down I realize it might’ve not been the smartest thing I could’ve done. Instead I could’ve not done all the shit I did to not deserve you. Or built the courage to tell you the truth and come clean right after the things I did to not deserve you. But I didn’t. It took me a while, months. Trying to forget what I had done. Because I loved you. I loved you so much I couldn’t imagine my life without you. I didn’t know how, I didn’t know what I would be without you. Nothing made me love you less. I needed you more than my sanity, I lose my mind without you, I didn’t know how to let you go. How could I’ve left the person I’ve been living for, the sole purpose of existence. When things ended, I lost myself. Lost my mind. I didn’t recognize myself without you there to define me. You’d forever been my everything. When things were impossible to deal with, we still got through. With our differences, we still loved hard. Our love was destructive. Knew it from the beginning. Knew when things blew up we’d end in ashes. At least I did. Hell bent and burnt. Still after ten months, the part of me that loved, loves the same. I can’t seem to let you go. The only thing I know how is to drown myself in this misery and hope one day I wake up and this will all be a nightmare and that you’d forgive me.

Can’t go on without you, my world is upside down. Nothing makes sense. Nothing I did, nothing you did. Can’t fight this war anymore, I beg for mercy.

I’m so sorry.

You were a moment in life that comes and goes
A change of a heart, a twist of fate
Couldn’t fix it, it’s too late

Twisted, but true. Sad, but the only thing I know. It’s always been you.

I thought, if I found something I cared about, I could feel myself again. I could become the person I used to be before I fell under this pile of crap. But I’d forgotten caring about someone so deeply only develops a confused anxiety. Caring about someone meant opening up and letting them in, hoping they would too. But that’s not for everyone, not all find it easy to open up or let people in. So it’s your call to keep knocking or to walk away. Both options result in sorrow. Being patient isn’t for me. I may have started caring about the wrong person.