All these years of damage, all the wars I’ve fought finally caught up. I am what’s left of me.
Can’t trust anyone. No one. Not a single soul I can count on. Do you even know what that feels like? It feels like you’re alone in a world full of people. People who’ve betrayed you and let you down and yet you’re stuck with them because they are all there are. It sucks so much when the people you love let you down obliviously without no clue as to what you’re inflicting upon the other person. Or it’s all in my head. But I’m not just imagining this. Devils whispering into my ear 24/7. I can’t ignore it and tonight I just want to die. Or vanish. Anything that will take me away from this reality of mine, permanently.

I know I seem like someone who would never get tired of writing about her heartbreak, truth is I didn’t even realize that that’s all I’ve been rambling about until someone pointed it out to me. And I’ve only done that because that’s the one thing that has entirely changed my world around. First I was so invested in it and because I wasn’t able to express it the way Id like to and so these words became my messages to the person. And now it’s rusted memories I write in wake off. I am not a writer, I vent. I vent my sorrows on web because people are such shit things. Or even if they aren’t there isn’t anyone who can make the other person feel better by being there for them because half of them don’t care and the other half are secretly giddy that you are miserable. And the rest that fits in between are the reason you are miserable. The world has become so crappy that you will not find genuine concern from another, unless it’s fueling them in someway. The ones you love can truly break your heart, be it family or friends. And I’ve had my heart broken by all of them. 

Its not the heartbreak that lasts. It’s the emptiness which follows the tragedy. See, there was a man who you could’ve died for and then one day he doesn’t exist in your world anymore. Whatever the cause, the love given remains forever in debt. 

I was a hopeless romantic. From one person to the other giving bits of myself hoping that yep, this just could be it. I miss being hopeful. Because now I know, I was just stupid. You keep loving until you run out of love, and from there on you’re a shell of the girl you knew.

There is always the fear you will fail or there’s always the fear you aren’t good enough. Scared by countless possibilities, anything could happen and you spend your days worrying about the one thing that could go wrong in a day a hundred other things are going right. Like a final destination movie, you paranoia is bound to have you tied to a barrel sinking deep. 

I don’t know how to escape, I can’t run away from my mind. I can’t run away from who I am. And I can’t live with who I am. What are my choices? Suck it up in a world that keeps draining the life out of you, or give in and accept that this is how it always will be. Or for once stop ranting about your goddamn irrational issues and do something about it.

They will always lie to you, they’ll look right into your eyes and lie, why; I don’t know. Maybe because they are trying to keep something that doesn’t belong to them. Or they know they’ve lost but they can’t let go just yet. And when the truth comes out, which it eventually will you are only to lose something you have lost a long time back. So, in a losing battle, you always lie.

I remember the day my mother held me while I cried my soul to pieces the first time a man had broken my heart. I didn’t understand the pain. I didn’t understand the feeling. This wasn’t something I’d known, heartaches can be written endless songs and poems about. But only felt when it touches you. I was never the same again. I’m dying to go back in time, literally. I’m dying to be that girl who was so hopeful. I can’t find her in me anymore. I can’t find love in me anymore. I’m driven, not passionate. Everything I’m doing right now is so I don’t take a break and realize the mess I’ve made of my life.

It was more than that, it wasn’t just the words. I saw how terrified he was, we built a bubble of terror. I was terrified not knowing what was coming, he was terrified of what he was about to say. For even the strongest are vulnerable when they express their love, it was clear I could crush his soul right then and there. It was more than I ever asked for.

Where will I write my heart out. Where will I write all these things I’m dying to say out loud. Where will I write the truth when I’ve denied the truth a thousand times. To write the truth, you cannot belong to anyone. Your truth cannot limit to how a person would feel knowing it. It’s your heart right, hearts change. From day to night. I’ve never been sure of my heart. Only my mind. And my mind needs constant escapes, freedom. What have I done. I’ve let go of the man I could love, and lost the right to tell him how I truly feel. These tears won’t matter now. What have you done Ana. What’ve you done.

Rain, I love rain. Who doesn’t. It gets you all dramatic, me more than usual cuz I’m naturally living in my own movie. Reliving memories, playing songs from times.
We always say people are unpredictable and how some peoples presence or their uncertainty of being there drives you nuts. But aren’t we the uncertain, when do we know for sure what we are and what we’d do next.
I surprise myself the most. My feelings do.

At first, I had to alienate my entire family because I couldn’t stand being around them. And now it feels like it’s time I alienate my friends, because if they think all the worse things that you know about yourself out loud to other people, how can you live. I can’t go on like this. I need to die, asap.