Where will I write my heart out. Where will I write all these things I’m dying to say out loud. Where will I write the truth when I’ve denied the truth a thousand times. To write the truth, you cannot belong to anyone. Your truth cannot limit to how a person would feel knowing it. It’s your heart right, hearts change. From day to night. I’ve never been sure of my heart. Only my mind. And my mind needs constant escapes, freedom. What have I done. I’ve let go of the man I could love, and lost the right to tell him how I truly feel. These tears won’t matter now. What have you done Ana. What’ve you done.

Rain, I love rain. Who doesn’t. It gets you all dramatic, me more than usual cuz I’m naturally living in my own movie. Reliving memories, playing songs from times.
We always say people are unpredictable and how some peoples presence or their uncertainty of being there drives you nuts. But aren’t we the uncertain, when do we know for sure what we are and what we’d do next.
I surprise myself the most. My feelings do.

At first, I had to alienate my entire family because I couldn’t stand being around them. And now it feels like it’s time I alienate my friends, because if they think all the worse things that you know about yourself out loud to other people, how can you live. I can’t go on like this. I need to die, asap.

I’ve been happier these days. Being happy gets me anxious because i know it will end and I’ll be feeling gloomy in no time.

Gloomy suits me better.

I flipped.

I wonder if this is something everyone goes through. If we all come across a time we hate our bodies, our faces and all that we’ve become. From victim to predator. From being abused to abusing others. From being yelled at to yelling at others.

How’re you not my friend, after everything.

Anyways, you’re not important anymore. Wait no, that’s a lie. You are. I can’t explain how but you’ve pushed me to do things I otherwise wouldn’t have done. My whole career started from your push, if you may not remember, let me remind you how you told me you wouldn’t talk to me until I completed my CV and stuck by through until I got it done. We’d agree to work on it and end up talking about everything else. But I got it done, you motivated me to. Things happened and awkwardness grew, but you were my friend always. Who hated everyone I dated and criticized them beyond, you never liked my choices and I can see why. We fought over the silliest things, you’d make me cry every night and then you’d do the sweetest things too. Why are we not friends anymore, how can you grow so distant? What did I do, Mo. I miss you. Not everyday not all the time, but because you’re no longer my friend. Because I can no longer text you hey and catch up. I get so excited every time I see you and then I remember no, no Ana, he’s not your friend anymore. And I can’t understand why. I miss you. I’ll always miss you. Our most random conversations. How you’d say hurtful things like I’m detached from reality. Or all the times we went to tsunami binaa and watched the sunrise even on the cloudy days. How you took me and my friends to Azur for the first time ever. I miss you like hell, as a friend. I miss you criticizing my life. I miss us fighting. I miss you being my friend.

You’ve broken my heart, friend.

You are about to ditch the man you thought you would marry. He has taken care of you like no man ever has and maybe like no man ever will. This has somehow made him feel that because he’s giving you all of him, you owe it to him to understand and change who you are according to his values. And you in your own way would get rid of anyone who’d criticize your life, be that anyone. But him, you let him. Thought you’d come half way. But you couldn’t.

He wasn’t okay with your lifestyle, how freely you let yourself float in the world didn’t please him. He didn’t like the people you befriended, you are at fault here too but he should’ve trusted you considering how you’ve made him your entire world. Where every breath you took was him. But this wasn’t enough. And to go on, this very blog and it’s contents upset him. Like this very post would upset another.

You were suffocating. Dying. Panic attacks. Anxiety kicking in, your heart burning. Your body was clearly rejecting what he wanted you to be. And he didn’t understand this, none of this was real to him. He didn’t believe how a person could have these symptoms without physically falling ill.

In the end you let people go, because you will never be good enough for them. And because you’re too complicated and you can’t spend the rest of your life explaining to him how you are, and begging him to understand because from where he stands your mindset is illogical and your mental illness isn’t real. Seeing him everyday would be hard. Work would be twice as hard. When he moves on it will hurt. But remember, you let go because being with him made you want to kill your self. He made you question your entire life and the person you were, when he very clearly knew from the beginning whom and how I was. And so far into this commitment, him questioning your life and it’s choices made no sense to you. To sum it up, he bought himself an orange and expected it to become an apple in time. I’m the orange, what he wanted was an apple. And it doesn’t make sense why he’d get himself an orange when he clearly wanted an apple.

So, this post is for you, for you to remember why it had to end if you ever questioned yourself why. For the future. To not repeat the same mistake. To let go, to move on. To let him find someone who’s truly worth of all he can offer, to accept that person was never going to be you. Worlds apart you grew up, crossed paths and adjusted, squeezed your expectations into a tiny box and stuffed them in. And in the end it was nothing but a disappointment. Having given and charged so much, some of them will linger on, but that’s where it has to stop. And that’s where you will have read this again.

Where would you go to hide from yourself. To escape from your lagging past, a series of mistakes that’s become one hole in your loosely held world. I’m not sure how I came to be this person, learning to deal with every shit thing that’s happened. All of it coming back stronger as the years go by. And then I’m asked, why are you so angry? Why are you so easily ticked off? I don’t know. I fucking don’t know okay. I’ve been trying to be okay for as long as I can remember. Tried to stay sane, kept flipping yet managed to stay calm. And if I still come across as a girl who’s crazy, then I’ve failed. I did my best, yet I couldn’t run far enough from myself. And even though I shouldn’t apologize for being who I am, the words only come out as sorry. When it really should be, if I’m too much for you, you are free to walk out of my life while I hold the door. But instead it’s always sorry, sorry I’m this way. Why do I need this validation. I’m not fucking sorry, I’m sorry cuz you can’t take this. I’m sorry for you.

That’s all I’m trying to do these days. I wouldn’t seek closure in your forgiveness but rather my own. Self pitied by nature I find it hard to move on from things I decided to let go. Sorry is all I have and Sorry is all I say. For I followed my heart after great consideration yet here I am, bound with guilt, not knowing what I could’ve done right. Pointless is what it is. Whats done is done, we are here now. Let’s move on and not hate.

Maybe I need to step back to see the whole picture. Breathe away from chaos. To remain tangled or untangle myself from something I don’t want to detach from, how do I stop myself from falling into something so natural.