She Was Sea

I have no words and that’s new for me because when the world turns away, my words are all I have. Or that was at least how it used to be.

03 August 2019:

Three months since we broke up, one month since we last spoke, over 48 hours since you didn’t return my call… it’s finally starting to feel like this is it.

I was terrified if you picked up it would be another window I wouldn’t be able to close, so I guess thank you.

I’m realizing I never stopped loving you. But I did stop loving how you made me feel. Always on the edge, questioning my every move. Telling me my way of life is nothing but a disgrace, which ultimately made me feel like so was my existence. When you give a certain importance to an individual you are giving them the power to define and validate you. Always on the edge, always scared of when you will finally go back to her. Because in my mind, there was always someone better for you out there. That made me love myself less and less. If I can’t love myself with you, how can I love you?

And I hated living like that. I don’t want to live like that, all I want is to be good enough, the way I am. 

It scares me one day I might have to exist in a world that no longer has you, it’s even more terrifying that it’s inevitable.

Gathering up the courage to tell you how much you mean to me.

This one’s for you Dad, you too Mamma. Love you both, with all my heart. With all the life that’s left. Nothing means more.

When you pulled the plug I couldn’t tell you I wouldn’t know how to go on about my days without you in it.

I’m only ashamed for the parts of my life my mother refused to listen, not because she didn’t want to, but because she couldn’t

I can’t hate her for the strength she didn’t have to hear how a daughter was ruined in her watch, while she was too busy tending for the parts my father never could

I can’t blame her for not being the mother I always wanted, when she had to fill in for the father that was hardly around

I’m mad at her for things she won’t even remember, but how could I be? When she was more than the mother I could’ve wished for, but also, so little of the mother I needed in many times

Big feelings for a little girl.

They said I was stupid, they said it can’t be love, said I was too young.

They said it would pass, said I would forget in time.

They were wrong. I never forgot.

They were wrong. It was love.

I never forgot the day he broke my heart, it broke me too. I had no clue what I’d done wrong. Thought love was supposed to be beautiful. Weren’t I supposed to believe him? How could I’ve known his words weren’t always true.

After all, I was just a little girl wasn’t I.

Since I’ve stopped writing, you can all assume I’ve stopped feeling things, finally.

If your girlfriend won’t do half the things that I do, guess I’m not your girlfriend at all.

Watching her as she gets off the floor, wipe her tears, smiles and gathers the courage to forgive the man who broke her into a million pieces after she had to assemble them off the floor.

Now you have no words because you can see she doesn’t have the strength to go on without him anymore. He had her webbed too deep in his manipulative mind where you have no reach. But you, you’ll be a good friend who puts on a great show because at the end of the day it’s her choices that will make her happy. 

She knows. She knows good and well. But she’s tired. She’s scared that if she lets go, she’d spend the rest of her nights sobbing into her pillow like she has every time before. Sometimes, even the strongest girls can breakdown and fall apart. This hits them harder because of everything they’ve been suppressing inside and you know this, and this is why you can’t ask her to love herself more. She doesn’t love herself and it shows in the many ways she lets him back into her life after all the times he’s shot her down. His excuses always so poor and she doesn’t even care. Her father loved her so poorly, this was the love she always knew she deserved. She’d have been a fool had she asked for more. 

But you see that don’t you? You see that she deserves the world. You tell her too, but she doesn’t listen. She never believed in herself, she never could. 

She loves him like she loves her highs. Like a pretty distraction, she could dive into. As long as it lasts, there are no withdrawals.