Since I’ve stopped writing, you can all assume I’ve stopped feeling things, finally.

If your girlfriend won’t do half the things that I do, guess I’m not your girlfriend at all.

Watching her as she gets off the floor, wipe her tears, smiles and gathers the courage to forgive the man who broke her into a million pieces after she had to assemble them off the floor.

Now you have no words because you can see she doesn’t have the strength to go on without him anymore. He had her webbed too deep in his manipulative mind where you have no reach. But you, you’ll be a good friend who puts on a great show because at the end of the day it’s her choices that will make her happy. 

She knows. She knows good and well. But she’s tired. She’s scared that if she lets go, she’d spend the rest of her nights sobbing into her pillow like she has every time before. Sometimes, even the strongest girls can breakdown and fall apart. This hits them harder because of everything they’ve been suppressing inside and you know this, and this is why you can’t ask her to love herself more. She doesn’t love herself and it shows in the many ways she lets him back into her life after all the times he’s shot her down. His excuses always so poor and she doesn’t even care. Her father loved her so poorly, this was the love she always knew she deserved. She’d have been a fool had she asked for more. 

But you see that don’t you? You see that she deserves the world. You tell her too, but she doesn’t listen. She never believed in herself, she never could. 

She loves him like she loves her highs. Like a pretty distraction, she could dive into. As long as it lasts, there are no withdrawals.

You know what makes it easier? not thinking about who he’s fucking when you’re not around. That makes it easier.

Not thinking about anything besides the moments you both share, that makes it easier. Getting rid of everything but the truth you know, makes it easier.

So, love him if you must. But don’t let your mind torture you with unfinished stories you only know bits of.

Be kind to you, because you have to live with you. 
Be kind to you, because you are all you have.
Be kind to you, because if you won’t, who else will.
Be kind to you, because you have to set your standards with you. 

Is it suicide if I knew it would kill me?

It’s not even about what I’m worth anymore. I’ve disappointed myself. It’s funny that I expected someone to see me beyond what I see myself as. But after investing myself in someone for the better part of last three years, I’m upset that it won’t be his jokes I’ll be laughing at for the rest of my life.

It’s true that you only remember the best of the times when you part. But I also remember everything else. The frustration and the tears, the unfairness. The how could this be and why would you do this to me too. And long after that when friends talk about him and tell me how casually he flirts with them a part of me is so glad I’m finally done while the other part of me cries herself to sleep because it kinda hurts.

I wasn’t even nearly perfect, but that being said if I ever would’ve changed myself entirely, it would have been for him. Because of how much I wanted to be with him. Things he’d asked me to change about the way I live made a certain sense to me, but I’m not the girl that makes sense. I’m the girl who’s complex, reckless and impulsive. My true essence lies in all of these and if you ask me to stop being all of that, what would become of me? Only a shell of what I am?

Stop Ana, just stop. It’s almost 6 am and here’s another reminder that you need to let go.

My mind is a backward spiral whenever I hear your name. It unravels. I can’t have it unravel again. I want to stay focused and remember why my heart decided what it did. 

Moments create infinite hope for something you never thought you wanted, but then in a moment, you feel all sorts of feelings you thought you’d forgotten and would never feel again which opens a new window into your life.

Know your worth and believe it.

Some people worry so much about what others think of them that they change what they have to say to please someone else. It’s hurtful, I know, but you have to make peace with the fact that their choice to be two-faced is their choice, not yours. We tend to put value on those who others try to impress simply because someone out there wants to impress them. That’s how power works. Think about it this way though: If someone isn’t impressed by the truth, are they worthy of being impressed at all? If someone isn’t impressed by the truth, are they worthy of your time, effort, and energy? Are they worthy of you trying to prove yourself to them? Are they worthy of your mental space? No, they are not. Those who are worthy are those who matter. And those who matter, you don’t have to prove yourself to them. They see right through you. They see your truth. They see your authenticity. Those are the ones who are worthy of being held on to, because you don’t have to try to impress them. You already do by being who you are.