She Was Sea | ހިތުގެ އެންމެ ފުންމިނުން – އަހަރެންގެ ދުނިޔެ، އަހަންނަށް | Page 49

Trying to replace a feeling, a person. When there’s only one of each kind, how do you replace someone perfect in every aspect yet was never yours.

My plastic smile fools everyone, and I know they don’t see I’m crumbling inside. I’m afraid if I make eye contact they’ll all know, they’ll all see my tear-well curtains attempting to barricade against the world.

How do I stop this feeling? How do I forget? How do I make it stop? I’m trying. I just can’t anymore. There’s no way I can make it stop. I want it to go away completely. I can’t handle it anymore. How did I get here? Was I always coming here? Why didn’t I realize this is where I was leading to all along? Why did I think it would all be okay in the end? How does a broken attempts ever equate to anything promising? I’m crumbling.

I’m tired. Tired of being patient, tired of just letting things slide, tired of trying to do the right thing, not for myself but him.

He’s made me hate myself when I could barely love myself. It’s suffocating, some days I can barely breathe.

He tells me he loves me and promises me the world, every day. But all that‘s burning in the back of my mind is how his sister publicly made a statement insinuating he could do better than me or the time he asked his ex to wait for him.

I am not good enough and I know this, just don’t ask me to try and be better. Let the world mold me into what I could be, not what you want me to be.

Just, for once. Please, let me be.

When did we stop trying? When did we settle for being ugly in our bodies?

What’s life if it doesn’t erase memories with time?

Today could mean nothing in the future but there’s no denying right now my heart is in literal pieces and I’m possibly in denial.

My entire world slipped through these fingers. The ground slipped through for a second that felt like forever.

I can’t read on this because there’s nothing relatable out there. Where no one hurt each other except the part it had to come to an end. And now I need someone I could share all my 9gag memes and Cosmo updates with.

It’s the little things that mean the most in the end. Even when you tiptoe to never take something so incredible for granted, it ends up falling through. It just had to be this way.

What’s meant to be will find its way, and what’s meant to not, won’t.

And now we both have flights we won’t be catching this New Year.

Starting over everyday is exhausting.

“Its hard right, when something has so much power over you, something that your not in control of and something that could mean nothing in the future.”

It’s hard when the one person you want to talk to is also the one person you absolutely cannot speak with, because words fail you every time you try.

You’re never going to stop crying about the past loves you wished had worked. Because every time you gave your best and failed.

A man can’t make you hate yourself and expect you to love them unconditionally. With all the self-loathing there’s little room for love. And just because you’re different, he tells you you’re wrong. And no matter what you say or do, he cannot get into your shoes and see what you see and feel what you feel. In this instance what you’re asking for is too much. So you quietly walk away. Forget about the unanswered calls and the messages you ignored. You pray you deserve better than him. In the least someone who would love you for who you are. Isn’t that the least anyone ideal would do.

I don’t have to be with you to be yours. I already am. It’s the only way I exist. Me without you isn’t an existence I can bare. As clichèd it is to meet the right person under the wrong circumstances, that we did.