She Was Sea

I keep collapsing twice a minute and no one really understands how that feels. Because it seems ridiculous and excessively dramatic, but that’s exactly how I feel, and I despise it. I can’t help myself, so I’m caught in my endless conflict between loving myself and striving to love myself even more, while resenting myself every minute.

Sometimes you don’t know why something is happening, all you know is it hurts like a motherfucker. And apart from the anguish, everything is crumbling around you, and nothing is in your control.

Sitting here alone carefully soaking my tears in tissues before they flow down my cheek, catching them as soon as they fill up so it doesn’t run down my mascara. Oh what a waste this was.

What’s sadder than a girl sitting in a nice restaurant, alone, at a table for two – hoping the ground would swallow her any minute now because sitting here alone any longer would kill her. It’s the thought of him, of how used she felt. Means to an end – that was all she was to him.

I really wanted to run, but there was nowhere I could go. And if that isn’t the saddest thing in the world, I don’t know what is. Not wanting to be somewhere so badly yet having no place to go to so you sit in agony pinching yourself in the hopes that one of the pinches would be painful enough to distract you from your current misery.

I’ve felt pain and heartbreak over and over again. But this one crushed my soul. It wasn’t just my heartbreaking; it was my soul.

I can’t stop this feeling. Maybe I’m in a vulnerable place and his radiance is gravitating. He’s my peace in chaos. He brings so much good but then-undefeated baggage claims him. What do I do that I haven’t already done?

I love you, and I always will. And if you love me too, the best thing you can do is let me go, right? How can your love love me in a way that causes hurt and disappointment over and over again? I’m more than understanding and everyone takes my understanding for foolishness because they care about me and see my apparent deflection of truth. The truth to me is you’re always hers before you’re mine. And as long as you lay next to her, I’m alone crumbling on the hopes very hopes I crawl on. I love you. I do. You make me happy in ways I never thought possible. You make the world feel okay the minute you hold me. I long for it, I long for the world to be okay for more than just a minute. I don’t want our days to be numbered and moments to be fleeting. I want you. 

Love takes courage, my love, if your love for me isn’t all that it claims to be I’m okay, I’ll understand even if it ends. I just don’t want to keep phasing through boundless uncertainty. 

I am a fictitious character who exists in no one’s reality. I am the hunger that satisfies your imagination, the light that illuminates your traffic, and the thunder that calms your storm.

It’s hard to admit that I’m looking for someone to keep my heart from breaking ever again. Pathetic really. I’m so horrible to myself and that’s why living is exhausting. I can’t seem to love me. I can’t seem to be enough.

Without your love; I died inside, like an unwatered plant.

Despite my curiosity, none of us knew where the sea met the sky, maybe it was where the top of his fingers touched my cold skin or the way his glance fell upon my face as I pretended to be unearthed by his very presence right next to me or how I couldn’t stop thinking about how perfect he was in that moment. Even if I didn’t find out where the sky met the sea, one thing was certain, this is where my heart met him.

On our first date, I was mesmerized at how we could never tell where the sky met the sea after dark. Likewise, I didn’t realize how my heart found its way to yours, the very same night.

Like the tips of your fingers that sat inches from me, or the way your pleasantly surprised gaze kept falling upon my skin. I don’t know what it was, but;

Look you did
You looked at me
You took my hand

Don’t look at me, I can’t look away
Don’t take my hand, I might want to hold on
Don’t steal my heart now, how would I live without one

And I kept falling for you

How could I not?
After all, you were my horizon
I, the ocean and you were my night sky
And one could never tell where we met but for all they knew, we were one

No one knew me enough to say if what I was doing would be good for me 

No one knew me enough

Yet somehow, they all knew too much