She Was Sea

Do dreams come true? Or are they sometimes better than anything you’ve ever imagined to be?

My need to push you away comes from how everyone I ever loved left me in the dark. And at this point, it’s better to just stay alone than even let in a glimpse of love and risk getting hurt, again. I’m sorry I’m this broken that everything, in the end, leads to pain. I’m sorry that I struggle to be happy because good things never happen. Good things haven’t happened in so long. And that’s why I come off the way I do.

This one’s coming from the heart, after a very long time.

I’m no longer proud of what I write, there was a time I used to be. They’re now infinite patterns of everything that’s happened once, caught in mere loops of deja-vu or not this bullshit again. People question how I can have dated around so much yet have failed to settle down? The truth is it wasn’t something I took that seriously until very recently, but the reason also was that I didn’t quite meet the type. I didn’t attract the let me wife you type. Means I wasn’t the type either. So if I didn’t meet the type and wasn’t the type myself, why would I force a settlement? There isn’t a soul I would trust with my life. And it’s just not my life, it’s me. My heart and soul, all that I am. I won’t just bet on it and roll a dice, leave it up to chance. I won’t gamble with my future, not like that anyway. I just haven’t found my person. Maybe they are out there, maybe they aren’t. Whatever the reason, I’m okay with everything for how they are now. I’ll manage.

I haven’t met anyone who’d give their all to make me happy or make me the kind of priority I wanted to be. Or understood me nearly as well as I’d like to be understood. I guess I expect too much from the current trend. But it’s also never going to make sense for me to settle down for any less than I desire. I give my best to those I care about, and I expect the same in return. There have been many times my best wasn’t deemed good enough and I accept it. I’m surely not everyone’s cup of tea. Hell, I’m not even my own cup of tea most days, but I go on. And isn’t going on the best you can do somedays? I think that counts as your 100%. Simply going on, even on the days that you feel like you cannot anymore.

I’ve never needed anyone desperately enough, I’m quite okay on my own. Sure I get lonely, but I won’t be caught dead in something that’s wrong for me. Not anymore. I’ve made some terrible choices in the past. Took chances on hopeless loves. Stayed with people I didn’t completely love. Begged for people to love me. Done it all and all of that’s in the past now. I just won’t do that anymore.

Currently, I’m happily waiting for my Big love and super done with these little romances. I’m ready to wait forever if that’s what it takes. I don’t want scrapes of love, I want all of it. I want it all or I want none. I won’t settle – not when it comes to love. My whole life revolves around loving and being loved. I dream of proper reciprocation but no rush.

Loving was never a mistake I made, but trusting was and so was believing. I’d like to think I’ve learned enough lessons, more than.

My dating history was thrown at me recently with an excuse to “just bring up the fact”, obviously I felt terrible. But what am I supposed to do, apologize for it? Sorry that I kept looking for love in the wrong arms, over and over again? I’m not sorry. I’m grateful for all my encounters. Loved and lost, betrayed and let go. All of it. I am thankful. Thankful for the chances I took, thankful for the lessons.

I’m not sorry for walking away from things that weren’t serving me. Never sorry for walking away from people who made me feel little. Never sorry for not settling for less. Never sorry that I’m quite content on my own and not afraid to walk away. I’m not afraid to be alone. I’ve grown to like me, maybe someday I’ll even fall in love with me. Who knows, it’s all exciting and new, this romance with myself. I treat her right. And I hope to do so always. Finally giving myself the chance I should’ve given her a long ago. And I deserve all of it.

We leave things we love behind and jump into the unknown all in hopes of stepping towards kinder self-love.

With some relationships, you never get the closure you seek but the certain thing is it’s over and it gave you more pain than happiness in the end. And pain lingers longer. It comes and goes but open wounds always bleed. You need to keep tending to some wounds continuously since they never properly heal. So you let these wounds be and remain cautious. Love is such.

Happy feels strange and foreign when happiness has been so hard to come to. And when you’re finally happy you’re anxious for it to be over and go to the darkness that you’re so familiar with. But you don’t have to go back, you can go forward and experience the new. Leave the old pain and teary smiles behind. Look up.

I don’t know which parts of it were real, or which parts of it I wanted to be real. I put on my finest smile and lived a brief fairytale as if I were an actress in a play.

Then came tonight, he came over.

Seeing him walk through the same hallways that you once used to – was somehow too much. I waited where I always stood, my heart sinking as he made his way to me. He wasn’t you. He didn’t have your smile or your eyes. I tried to gather myself and keep myself from spiralling into the void of your absence. It’s been so long since you, then why do I miss you, why do I get sad it’s no longer you listening to my stories, it’s no longer you caring, it’s no longer you giving a damn.

My heart misses you because it’s clearly stupid, and she says she’s never loved anybody the way she loves you, and I believe her because I feel different when she thinks of you.

But it’s evident that she doesn’t want to accept that you couldn’t give me what I wanted, no matter how much you wanted to. I thank her for that.

My life has become a charade ever since you. I’ve been either running to or from you – and I’m tired, so tired. So tired of being hopelessly in love with you. So tired of seeking distractions in others hoping to forget you but I never do. I never do. I never forget you. I never stop looking for you in crowds, I never stop wondering what you’re doing. I never stop wanting you.

July 21, 2021

Here’s to calling the greatest love of mine, mine.
Here’s to overcoming the mess we made of our love and giving it one more chance – because, in the end, everything led back to you.

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August 06, 2021

I will carry our tainted love in my heart like my one true love, for always. We may never end up together but I’ve always known in my heart, you were the one for me. No matter the end, even if it’s ten, twenty or even fifty years later – I will always love you. I hope you know.

I wish our story had a better ending. I wish we’d done many things differently, I wish that we hadn’t been so cruel to each other.

I wish you hadn’t fallen in love with her and lived this happy life with her while my heart kept breaking over and over again until it had no end. I wish I didn’t have to see you with her that night, I wish you had chosen me instead. The ground fell beneath my feet, my heart collapsed for one final time that August night.

All of my doubts today stem from that night, when you chose her, fell in love with her, and continued to find happiness in her as my life crumbled without you.

I will always love you, so much. From the deepest ends of my heart, but I will never be able to be with you again. And this will forever be our tragedy.

The greatest love of my life couldn’t be so great because we didn’t realise we don’t always get second chances with the people we love.

Some scars never fade away, some wounds bleed for the rest of your life.

I’ve been growing more and more fond of him with every passing day, hence even little setbacks are like mini heartbreaks that send me questioning the whole thing. My heart, however, yearned for his presence more than the strength to endure his absence. And he won. He won me over just like that.

“Do you love her?” I asked him the minute he told me about her. “It’s getting there”, he replied.

I don’t know why, but I built us all in the hopes of freeing his heart to be mine. I told myself that he wasn’t in love with her, and that meant that one day he would fall in love with me. Rather foolish of me to think so. You see, I thought it was understandable that if your heart didn’t quite love someone wholeheartedly, that left room to seek a more wholehearted love. And that is how I justified how he could be into me, and want me – despite having someone in his life. That we could be a wholehearted love.

After mindless flirtings and promises of the future, my heart was getting caught up in his promises. My attachment to him grew by the day. And I had to know if he was where I was at. So, three weeks into being constants, I ask him again ‘do you love her?’.

“I do”. He replies. There goes my love. My heart sank deeper than the Titanic. He was never in the same place as I was. I was wrong about us.

Another losing battle for my heart – and now that he’s won, I remain at his mercy. He confesses his love for her – to me. The girl who’s been mindlessly longing for his return.

How could this be? Didn’t he tell me he wasn’t quite in love with her just yet? Did I not hear him right the first time? Did I misread the whole situation? What changed in these weeks where he fell deeper into her despite my presence? Isn’t that alarming. What am I even doing in his life hanging onto every word he says hoping this man won’t break my heart because he said he wouldn’t. He promised he was different.

But he wasn’t. He judged me and tore me apart.

And all he could say to me was, ‘but you knew’. A storm raged inside me. How dare you?

Convince a girl of her chance at true love and happiness, and blame her for being hopeful. Classy.

Yes, I knew. But just because I knew doesn’t make it any easier for me to keep falling for a man who loves someone else. I don’t think it’s fair of him to brush it off based on a technicality while knowing how I feel. Isn’t that rather heartless? Is this what I deserve?.

How could you want me whilst being in love with someone else? Isn’t that disappointing? How could you promise me the whole world while you’re next to someone you love. How can I trust you?

He then proceeded to spring, ‘but you’ve had past relationships too’. I lost it there. The audacity to protect himself by firing bullets at my past something he assured was never going to be something he’d judge – all to get back at me for his present situation.

You mislead me.

Dying to unmeet you. I’d give anything in the world to un-know you right now.

I think the biggest lesson I learned this year is that it’s okay to be misunderstood. As hard as it sounds. It’s okay. And as hard as it is to accept, it’s still okay.

Not everyone views life through your lenses. So it can’t be a shock that not everyone feels the same way you do when it comes to situations and people.

I think he was my right love, at the wrong time. And that’s the hardest to admit.