I’m disappointed in myself for flaking on this little dedication of mine. My sleep cycle is at its worst, and I’m either asleep all day or having the best time of my life all night.

These two days have been the best anything has been in so long. What I am realizing is that even if it is hard to stay positive and grateful rather than dwell on things that aren’t going your way, doing just that does wonderful things for your mind. 

I did have some frustrations, but I’m choosing not to pay them any attention right now because I need to save my stress for college reports.

Some days I’m falling to pieces, and some days I’m coming together. Today is the latter. And I’m grateful. I’m grateful for today. 

Song on my mind: “Not in That Way” by Sam Smith

Two days ago, I urged, “Promise you’ll never fall out of love with me? That you’ll always love me, through the good and the bad. And that you’ll be kind to me even if we fight. That you won’t be cruel in the name of being honest. Tell me you’ll love me more than I love you on the days I need it the most. Tell me I can count on you when everything else is falling apart. Tell me you’ll always be there when I need you. Tell me.”

Of course, I was asking for too much.

And tonight, he looked me in the eye and said, “You used to be the one.”

I was absolutely destroyed by one sentence. This man, who has loved me unconditionally since the moment he laid eyes on me, sat in front of me and told me he no longer felt the same way. And I wanted to die.

He was the one, until that moment. And nothing makes sense anymore. 

I’ve had trouble falling asleep all night. All I want to do is disappear. I feel vulnerable, humiliated, exposed, and violated.  

It just started raining heavily—finally something good. I might suffocate in this storm.

Song on my mind: “Fire on Fire” by Sam Smith

Goodmorning! I didn’t despise my day. And I say day because I’m just about to go to sleep. I have my LAT exam at 2pm. I’ll just take a quick nap to get in the zone. I stayed up studying for the most part of last night. I think I’m covered. And then I went out for some fresh air and was blessed with the most spectacular sunrise. If there’s one thing certain about me, it’s that I’m a sucker for beautiful skies.

You know, Bob Marley was more right than I ever realized when he said, “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” He really knew what he was talking about. Because I find myself confiding in people who have most definitely hurt me at some point in my life, and I love them enough to forgive them, and even if I weren’t willing to forgive them, I was afraid I’d run out of people in my life if I cut them off for causing me hurt. So, more often than not, one quietly forgives them for the apologies they never made.

What’s happy about today? Nothing. It has a deeper bitterness to it. Pain. I feel pain. It’s not the same as grieving the loss of something that has actually died, but you can only see the ghost of what once was and no longer is when you look at it.

I think he’s tired. Too tired for me. Too tired to try I understand. But it doesn’t make it hurt less. 

Sometimes you just have to accept things for what they are. You can wish certain things never happened and hope otherwise, but there’s no changing what’s set in stone. 

I’m trying to navigate through something I’ve been through before, and I’m hoping I do it better and with more grace this time. 

I slept the entire day and more. I’m not okay. Too much is weighing on my mind, and I’m in dire need for relief.

 I don’t think it was my fault. She pushed it to the limit, and I felt embarrassed of what I had done. She made me feel like what I had was not good or aesthetic enough. So much so that she had to go through all the trouble just to get it done, simply because mine wouldn’t be pretty enough for the picture. 

It was hurtful, to be honest. What I’d done might not have been much in comparison to hers, but it was the best I could do, and I’d done it with love. Ideally, that should be enough, but it clearly isn’t. And it’s not even the disagreement; it’s the cold, silent treatment afterwards that was brutal. I’d simply gotten upset over how she made me feel, and when I expressed that, she was upset over me apparently taking it ‘personally’. Why are you taking it so personally? she asked. I don’t know how else I should take it when it is indeed personal. What comes from me is personal to me; therefore, the way you criticize it will be taken personally. Especially when it wasn’t just one instance but a series. 

You know, I’ve always had this idea that if you loved people and cared for them, you couldn’t be cruel to them. Even if you were upset with them. And those that can be cruel don’t probably love or care for you in the way you might have thought. This is a lovely lesson to learn the second time around. God knows the amount of therapy I needed to recover from the first one. Standing up to someone who’s used to getting their way is honestly terrifying. Constant condescension can be a hard pit to climb out of. 

I don’t know why I hate the sun so much. Some days, it feels like my eyes weren’t made for sunlight. 

I slept last night, took a sleeping pill. I just couldn’t mess up today. I don’t know how I fell asleep. But I did. Sometimes you have to push your body into doing things it is supposed to do, so this was like that. Pushing my body into sleep. 

In the shower today, I considered what I would do if I was diagnosed with cancer. Would I fight for my life? Would I tell anyone? Do I really think my life is worth saving and investing all that money into? I really don’t. I thought of this when I thought one of my boobs hurt. Well, it’s probably nothing. 

It’s Thursday today. That’s always exciting. End of a barely week. I do have my exam on Monday, and this weekend is prep time. I do hate studying so much. I resent everyone who got me into this when it gets hard. But maybe when I’m done, I’ll be grateful they pushed me into it. But I think the part that I hate most right now is that what I’m studying has little relevance to my current job. That’s just frustrating. When I moved back, I was already done with my first semester. And everyone was like, ‘now that you’ve started, don’t stop. And then, when I joined corporate I didn’t think it would be hard to study something else and do something else altogether. It is. But that’s what life is sometimes like, right? It’s unplanned and full of surprises. You never know where you’ll be a year from now, and that mystery is almost alluring. 

I haven’t slept. I don’t know what’s wrong, but something is. Falling asleep shouldn’t be this hard, should it? I’m more awake than I was the whole of yesterday or even last night. It feels like 10 pm for my biological clock. I stayed in bed since 1 am, and finally, around 4 am I got out and cleaned my room, and bathroom, and even sorted out half my closet, hoping that if I did that, sleep would come easily. I showered. I washed my hair for the first time in days, hoping that would make the headache go away.

For the past two years, I’ve had these episodes on and off. But I always thought once I had a better routine in my life, it would fix itself. But it seems like it hasn’t. I’m a seasonal insomniac, I guess.

I’ll go back to bed; today is another working day, and I can’t miss it. I dread the morning sun because I know my eyes can’t handle it after the night they’ve had. I hate how bright the days are.

It’s nearly 12 pm and it feels like early morning for me. Maybe because I couldn’t sleep till after 6 am. I hate my sleep cycle. I just might consider sleeping pills at this point. But it’s possible that my habits are preventing me from developing a proper routine. And maybe it’s stress, everything’s chaotic. I can’t wait to have a good day, and today doesn’t feel like one even though it just started. I want to stay positive, but today just doesn’t feel like it. 

I wrote this on my way to work this morning and forgot about it the minute I got in, and then the day got in the way. The rest of the day was me trying to recover my sleep. Well, better late than never, right? I also deleted TikTok this morning after I realized my screen time was going up by hours every day. So no more of that.