Ghost of feelings that once were. I ended up walking into my trap, fully aware of the consequences. Fully aware I was not what he wanted me to be. Fully aware I would always miss myself. Despite all, as my heart wept for him I knew I had no choice but to choose him over me. 

It’s not just him I have to please. I barely came to terms with adapting to him when our worlds collided and reality brewed its colors. His bitch of a sister threw a typical fit and I had to surrender. Because he meant the world to me and she was a fragment of his world. 

Now, this blog is only mine to see, mine to know. Mine to write. 

I belong to him and him only. It’s not a sad thing yet the parts of me that belong and I enjoyed by myself are no longer allowed to coexist and it breaks my heart.

It’s a constant struggle between ignoring how you feel and accepting how you should feel.

This feels like a new leaf turning over. This feels like another dead end I’m trying to get out of.

I’m guilty. This too shall pass. I too shall forget. I too will be my person again.

I had a life before you. I will have a life after you. I can only pray I’ve learned my lesson.

Even though it’s goodbye, you’ll still be with me for a while more. Until then, let me be strong.

Sorry, is all that I can say and all that I can’t. Forgive me.

I’d been in love before, haven’t I? I’d had my heartbreak before too. I thought I was done, how can it hurt just the same and even worse sometimes. As time goes by, don’t you get used to this pain.

Curling up on the floor with tears streaming for reasons you can’t explain. All you know is it hurts like your insides are ripping you apart.

I will cry my heart out over and over until there are no more tears left to cry.

I’m tired. Tired of being patient, tired of just letting things slide, tired of trying to do the right thing, not for myself but him.

He’s made me hate myself when I could barely love myself. It’s suffocating, some days I can barely breathe. 

He tells me he loves me and promises me the world, every day. But all that‘s burning in the back of my mind is how his sister publicly made a statement insinuating he could do better than me or the time he asked his ex to wait for him.

I am not good enough and I know this, just don’t ask me to try and be better. Let the world mold me into what I could be, not what you want me to be. 

Just, for once. Please, let me be.

“Its hard right, when something has so much power over you, something that your not in control of and something that could mean nothing in the future.”

It’s hard when the one person you want to talk to is also the one person you absolutely cannot speak with, because words fail you every time you try.

It’s not that I’m happier without you. I’m happier without all the walls you built for me, with you gone the walls shattered themselves and I can be myself again, and that’s an amazing feeling because you were only trying to save me from myself.

Spoiler: I DO

Walking away has definitely been the hardest thing I’ve done as an adult. This was a first in many ways, and way too complicated than most. I was however, accused of just complicating it inside my head. But what else would I do, overthinking every possibility is my birthright.

He was the shadow blocking my light, and without his darkness I no longer knew where I stood or the time of day.

I ended up questioning if I existed beyond his existence.

I loved a love I couldn’t admit to.

What is love anyway? I remember being 17 and not understanding how easily and how deeply I fell in love, every-time. Only now, love is the perfect repellant. This is one fleeting illusion I’m not holding onto.

Is it really back to this? Sleepless 3 ams. Listening to Slash go “I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle, but now I’m not sure?”.

Does it ever really stop?.