It’s time to lay you to rest,
I don’t know why I tried, it’s clear we failed the test.
I knew from the start we were doomed,
But I prayed our love would bloom.
Like a fool, I waited by the door,
Hoping you’d come back once more.
I still hoped despite your distance,
You gave me crumbs, but they felt like existence.
So I say goodbye, you’ve torn me apart,
Starving the love right out of my heart.
Heartbroken in May,
All my dreams were illusions, fading away.
One day in March,
Thursday over lunch.
My heart skipped a beat,
Longing for your touch.
I must’ve been dreaming,
For it felt too surreal, this feeling.
How could I want you so quickly,
When we’d only just met, briefly?
I prayed it would fade,
Like memories unmade.
Yet here I wait, even now,
Longing for more somehow.
Help, I’m still at the restaurant,
You’re still the one I want.
In the silence, doubts persist,
“Why not ask?” they do insist.
But what if he hears and doesn’t care,
Leaving your heart in despair?
Yet in the risk lies a chance so rare,
To speak your truth, to boldly dare.
For even if his response is small,
At least you’ll know you gave your all.
“Please, I want him,” I confess,
“Why?” they ask, my heart in distress.
I have no answer, no reason true,
But my longing for you, it just ensues.
We dissect it, piece by piece,
Hoping to grant my soul some peace.
Perhaps it’s your elusive game,
That keeps me longing, that fuels the flame.
Maybe if you craved me as much as I do,
I’d lose my hunger, bid farewell to you.
For I never yearn for those who seek my heart,
It’s a game I play, right from the start.
Can you, just for a day, pretend to care?
So I may break free from this affair.
Losing you left a void, deep and wide,
One I know will never be filled, though I’ve tried.
But I understand it wasn’t meant to be,
Our love, a tale of what couldn’t be seen.
Yet, foolishly, hope still creeps in,
Reminding me of the moments we’d been.
Though it feels like a million years ago,
I assure you, I’m over you, this I know.
You learn your lessons every day in this life; the harder lessons are the ones that teach you to be stronger. The battles you fight quietly because the world wouldn’t be kind to you if they knew.
You loved me so much, why did I have to throw it away?
I don’t like comparisons, but no one has ever loved me the way you did.
I had a vivid dream where I found a box washed up on a shore filled with your pictures. Which encouraged me to find you, and I do, and it wasn’t easy but I do and I tell you how sorry I am.
But then it gets complicated the way it always does. There was someone else I had to come clean to, tell him that you have my heart and this is what I must do. So I do, and pray you welcome me with open arms and love.
And then I wake up. And you’ve never been further.
All those years with you now seem like the dream, it hardly feels real anymore. You’re so far gone; we can’t be the same people who loved and hated each other so much. We’ve alienated each other to the point we doubt we ever existed.
I’ve had this problem with almost every man I’ve dated, and I don’t really understand why.
I don’t really see myself as someone so very accessible. Sure, those close to me have access, but for someone I don’t know? That would take time and effort, as it should, right?
And then it reaches a point where they have constant access to me, and I’m available.
And now they’ll hate the fact that I am, they’ll hate that I’m so accessible in a sense.
Which can only really mean one thing, they loved the idea of me, from afar. But up close, I elude my mystery and become a little too real, flawed and human even.
When you find yourself constantly diffusing who you really are, to be desired by someone. It means you like them beyond help, but doesn’t that also mean they aren’t the one for you?
You wouldn’t have to be less you, with the person that is meant for you. Because they’d love you for the way you’re. Wouldn’t they?
She Was Sea 