Do you know what keeps me going these days?

You’re what keeps me going these days. I wake up thinking of you, breathing a different air than I have in a long time.

The surrealness of your interest in me, even when I couldn’t be interested in myself.

You make me want to be happy again.

I wish I knew how to go back to being me, the girl that was so fearlessly herself no matter what the world thought of her. Over the years, I ended up forcing her deep into my skin which allowed me to grow a thicker skin as it was easier to survive without feeling so intense. Now I’m told I need her back, and she’s refusing to come back. Who knew choosing to feel less would mean being stuck with traumas of which the explanations were no longer accessible because you’ve carefully locked away shredded memories as they brought nothing but pain.

At this point, everything I am writing is, for myself. I’m embarking on this journey to rediscover myself, heal, come to terms with life, and re-love me. I didn’t realize that I’d fallen out of love with myself but that I did, as I subconsciously began to loath my existence. The wrong relationship can wreck you to pieces. And I’m not making it sound poetic or anything. It breaks you apart. It’s not visible but every minute is crippling.

The beauty of life is that it goes on, even when you don’t want to. We face multiple losses every day. The loss of a love, a friendship, a parent and even the loss of the desire to live. And yet, despite all, life keeps going on. And in that moment it doesn’t make sense that it does. Why doesn’t it stop? Why doesn’t it grieve, why won’t it give you the time you need?. But the fact it does is the reason we overcome so many things. The fact that it won’t stop for us, the fact that it won’t consume us in our losses even when it felt like the end of the world.

So know this, the pain that you carry in your heart won’t last forever.

To be in love often means being free, but in this case, to be in love means to be a prisoner – your prisoner. My love for you is currently dormant despite knowing I would be happiest with you. It’s a battlefield of loving and being loved. How badly do I want to be loved?. By allowing your love, am I wrecking myself even more? And if so, how do I break free?. Fighting myself from going down that dreadful road I’ve been down once before, one foot in and one foot out. Heart in my hands and my mind lost.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not good enough. The moment you allow them to discourage you from being yourself, you’re betraying the most important person in your life – you.

I met someone so amazing that it feels like it’s a dream to have known him. The further away walk from him, I keep asking myself if I did the right thing. And in many ways, yes, it was the right thing. But it wasn’t the right thing for me, or him, as he’d said. I want to believe him, and I do. Even if I didn’t listen to him the last time we spoke. But what else could I have done? Sometimes you have to pull the trigger on your interests before you end up pulling the trigger on yourself. Love is strange yet it helps you grow. Love made me a better person in many ways. And losing that doesn’t mean all of it has to go away. I get to carry so much of what was wonderful. I get to carry the memories of our love. And for once, I’m reliving a happier time, even if it had to end.

I understand how frustrated a person can get when despite all your efforts they are still emotionally unavailable to you.

I know it’s over for us. I know. It’s just, my heart isn’t convinced.

Sometime in the future, I will forgive myself for being this way. But today, all I’m trying to do is figure out why I am this way.

Trying to replace a feeling, a person. When there’s only one of each kind, how do you replace someone perfect in every aspect yet was never yours.