If I die..

What they will say is that I was a person of poor faith,
That I made poor choices in life,
That I lead a life of doom,
That I was hopeless, to begin with,
They might even question my upbringing,
But in the end, they will blame it all on me,
That in this world we make our own fate,
That we make our choices that define our reality,

And I failed.

Although, what they will not know or talk about is,
All the nights I wept my heart out,
All the times I stood when my knees wobbled,
All the times I stopped my tears from streaming amidst nothing,
All the times I hoped, challenged myself and got out of bed, every day,
All the times I faked it in hopes that I would make it,
All the times I argued with the voices inside my head over my insignificance,
All the times I screamed and yelled bloody murder over anyone that questioned my worth,
All the times I broke down after all the screaming knowing they were right about me,

So I failed.

Life is the greatest paradox indeed. You seek love and love will not seek you. You seek your self and love will still not align. But when it does align, you have all your ugly roots inside you, every thing undesirable and everything you can’t stand about yourself is your reality.

Sleepless in Raa, wondering if this life will ever get any better. Echoes of all the goodbyes once said, ringing louder than ever. Why must life always grill you so hard? Why must it always pit you against you so relentlessly? Yet it does. It always does. Oh, to go to bed without worrying about every conscious decision you’ve ever made. To be in bed worry-free, and happy – must be a dream. Hopelessly spiraling down wavering incapability to get out of my head, face facts and not just bad judgement towards my own self.

Somehow it’s just the hardest thing to do.

Hold me so tight you hear my insides crack.

When I say I hope this weather lasts forever, I mean me and you, ebbing through the flow of life towards infinity.

I am very conflicted, and I don’t want to be so conflicted about things so minor. I have done exhausting relationships. I have done the whole trying to explain myself over and over. I have done the hoping he chooses me over her. I am not in the mental capacity to deal with any of the above again. I want something good, something incredible. Something that compliments my happiness, no misfires. I know we are both dealing with our complications with self-growth and healing. But can we come together for the good parts and always keep the other persons best interests at heart?

You know what fucks you up about splitting with someone? Their eerie absence creeping up on you, in slow agony. It doesn’t quite hit you until a few days later.

And in my head, all I can think about is everyone who’s left. All the goodbyes said. Everyone who couldn’t stay, everyone who didn’t bother to stay.

I feel like I’ve never mattered enough. Not to anyone. Not my parents. Not my lovers. Not even to myself. I was never going to be good enough for anyone. I couldn’t even be good enough to myself, no matter how hard I tried.

I’ve felt the kind of pain no one should. And I don’t want to be here anymore.

A cold comfort gambling with lust
Holding fort for my lover adjust

Concurring thoughts of intimacy robust
Blurring lines of a lovers fuss

You were my world, you were my all
Forgive me little one, you had to take the fall

All my what-ifs and all my could have been’s are you
All my open wounds come back to you
All my sins, all my shame,
And all my guilt, are for losing you

Her love is true, however taboo
Forever true, she lost you too

Shunned by the world’s gun
Slammed by the modest runs
Grieving the loss of a life
Is an undeserving wife

The world isn’t all that
You’d have known, have we met
You’re not missing out, at least not yet
Forever in debt
Your loss set

Every time we lose a constant connection in our lives, we take time to find the pieces we lost in them. Feelings aren’t refunded, nor is the time. One of those times I wish the “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” wasn’t just fiction.