To live without you is to battle addiction. I’ll never be ready to let go. That’s why I need to rip my own heart out because that is the only way I will survive.

I felt nothing for a time after it stung.

My silence was unintentional; I lacked the words as they’d all been used up.

I’d said what I had to say and couldn’t think of anything further to add. You see, I’d said everything I could possibly say. I didn’t want to sound like a broken record. That was something I couldn’t put myself through again.

And so, I sat in silence and made it my own hell.

Perhaps you met me just as I was getting myself up off the floor where I had fallen, when I didn’t know how to stand on both legs, let alone keep still without disintegrating into a million separate sub-pieces every time I was even slightly hurt.

What’s sad about you is you weren’t the one to stay. 

Been wracking my brain numb wondering what inside me broke so much that I had to become this needy and vulnerable. This isn’t me at all and anyone who knew me would agree. I’m not one to break down like this. But I do now. And I’ve finally realised what it has been that caused this chain of detriment. They’ve been my friendships. How their blatant ignorance when I needed them the most crushed my soul beyond repair. And like all times before, I’m not going to call them out on it or even tell them what it was that hurt me the most. It’s done and dusted and I’ve moved on curating my life in a more comfortable and safe space that only allows me to breathe freely. No one else, just me.

So maybe it’s not too far fetched that I’d find this new comfort to be my whole world. It’s maybe not stupid at all that I’d give myself away entirely because I don’t have anything that’s holding me back. I’m free to move to new worlds and new relationships, new lives and new experiences. To heal and mend the wounds of my past in these arms.

I hoped it would be you and me for a long time.

I was scared of losing him, but the truth was I was more afraid of him not loving me enough. I was so terrified he’d leave that I let him go instead summonning myself into abandonment. And even though I was the one letting him go, I still felt abandoned. Maybe the self betrayal was strong on this one.

I wanted to chase him down and even yell his name. My body, on the other hand, had only allowed me to shut the door behind him. And behind that closed door, I fell hard and alone.

You broke me.

I think what bothers me the most is the lack of closure. The never-ending blame I subject myself to because of you. How you got away from it all looking like a saint, while I was crippled and surrendered to the laws of life.

How could I have thought your love was the best I’d ever have when it was your love that took away the life I had? You see, I was too young for you to mess with me the way you did. And had you loved me at all, you couldn’t have done half the things you did. The never-ending lies you continued to get caught up in and how I chose to believe you every time because I was conditioned to see the best in you despite all. How you continued to belittle and berate me. And how I let you.

We’re all fools when faced with facts in love – we choose denial every single time. And that is how you have put my life to shame.

I’m healing from the wounds inflicted by your love.

Someday I will no longer be hurt by your occurrences. And someday, I will forgive myself for believing in you.

I realize I’m writing this from a victim’s perspective, but sadly, that’s where I’m at.

Even with the kindest souls, I find myself collapsing.

Existing often feels like a conditional burden.

With hopes of love and commitment, I’d cornered my heart into a losing war.