I’ve been growing more and more fond of him with every passing day, hence even little setbacks are like mini heartbreaks that send me questioning the whole thing. My heart, however, yearned for his presence more than the strength to endure his absence. And he won. He won me over just like that.

“Do you love her?” I asked him the minute he told me about her. “It’s getting there”, he replied.

I don’t know why, but I built us all in the hopes of freeing his heart to be mine. I told myself that he wasn’t in love with her, and that meant that one day he would fall in love with me. Rather foolish of me to think so. You see, I thought it was understandable that if your heart didn’t quite love someone wholeheartedly, that left room to seek a more wholehearted love. And that is how I justified how he could be into me, and want me – despite having someone in his life. That we could be a wholehearted love.

After mindless flirtings and promises of the future, my heart was getting caught up in his promises. My attachment to him grew by the day. And I had to know if he was where I was at. So, three weeks into being constants, I ask him again ‘do you love her?’.

“I do”. He replies. There goes my love. My heart sank deeper than the Titanic. He was never in the same place as I was. I was wrong about us.

Another losing battle for my heart – and now that he’s won, I remain at his mercy. He confesses his love for her – to me. The girl who’s been mindlessly longing for his return.

How could this be? Didn’t he tell me he wasn’t quite in love with her just yet? Did I not hear him right the first time? Did I misread the whole situation? What changed in these weeks where he fell deeper into her despite my presence? Isn’t that alarming. What am I even doing in his life hanging onto every word he says hoping this man won’t break my heart because he said he wouldn’t. He promised he was different.

But he wasn’t. He judged me and tore me apart.

And all he could say to me was, ‘but you knew’. A storm raged inside me. How dare you?

Convince a girl of her chance at true love and happiness, and blame her for being hopeful. Classy.

Yes, I knew. But just because I knew doesn’t make it any easier for me to keep falling for a man who loves someone else. I don’t think it’s fair of him to brush it off based on a technicality while knowing how I feel. Isn’t that rather heartless? Is this what I deserve?.

How could you want me whilst being in love with someone else? Isn’t that disappointing? How could you promise me the whole world while you’re next to someone you love. How can I trust you?

He then proceeded to spring, ‘but you’ve had past relationships too’. I lost it there. The audacity to protect himself by firing bullets at my past something he assured was never going to be something he’d judge – all to get back at me for his present situation.

You mislead me.

Dying to unmeet you. I’d give anything in the world to un-know you right now.

I think the biggest lesson I learned this year is that it’s okay to be misunderstood. As hard as it sounds. It’s okay. And as hard as it is to accept, it’s still okay.

Not everyone views life through your lenses. So it can’t be a shock that not everyone feels the same way you do when it comes to situations and people.

I think he was my right love, at the wrong time. And that’s the hardest to admit.

I love you
3 words, 8 letters,  that change everything 
a label,
a misconception,
a promiseto love unconditionally,
every day, every hour, every minute – always!

I’m willing to settle for a love I can explore on my good days and a love that will excuse me on my bad. A love that understands. And the only person I want to do that is with you. 

I don’t want to be in love with you, it’s cost me so much of my heart. 

I miss you, not in the I need you in my life kinda way, but in a more, I can’t believe the rest of my life is going to be without you. 

They all want you when they can’t have you.
And when they finally have you, they are done wanting you.

Can I talk to you about my day?
Can I use you, like you use me?
Take my mind and body, just give me your soul.
And while you fill me, I just need you to listen.

Another Goodbye

Thursday nights in my bed
Running around in my head
Wishing you were here
Laying so close to near

Longing whispers in my ear
Lies I long to hear
Your cold I love you’s
So out of the blue

I sink and I die
I scream and I cry
Hoping this is the last I trace your face
Hoping this is the last I chase your grace

Don’t you wonder what I swore?
When you walked out the door
Washing your sins with corrupted morale
Leaving behind your desired femme fatale

As you ran from me
Turning away from my plea
Done with your loving and lying
Leaving my broken heart in a sting

Here I lay
Unable to pray
Stained in places my hands won’t reach
Surely nor your moral ground would preach

Hands tied in lace
Tongue-tied in prays

I sigh, ‘Goodbye’.

Breakups are the worst. The general sense of apathy, of not being motivated to accomplish anything, of not having the energy to explain your breakup to your friends, of not wanting to relive it. Staying home, in your bed, in your only haven, safe from reality. Hiding from the world and sinking deeper and deeper in your sorrows until you question your existence and loathe your life.

I’m not sure why everything I get into is so short-lived. I really do wonder that what it is about me that is so inherently flawed that I end up here over and over again. Oh, no. I’m not really supposed to say that. Instead of feeling like an immense failure every time things take a U-turn, I’ve been advised that I should be kinder to myself and be there for myself more in these times. But where it gets tough is the way my mind is wired it rebuts any positives and refuges in the negatives. When things don’t work out I worry that I’ll never be loved the right way, that my expectations are too high, and that I don’t deserve much. And every time something fails, a little bit more is lost. And finally, I devolve into a void of emptiness with no reason to exist. I know, that’s a stretch, but you’d understand too if you could hear the thoughts that unfurl in this head of mine. That is exactly how it feels. No exaggeration. I’m most prone to self-destruction here in my lows.