This is just a thought I had to write down as I sit here at work looking back at this year. As a part of a new resolution I’ve made for the next year. To be more real with myself, I think the image of perception got the best of me this year after some painful moments, and I cared too much about what people thought of me. So I detached a little bit, and that felt empty. I no longer knew myself the way I used to.
And to change it back, I’m thinking of daily blogging. Connect with me and help myself a little more on this difficult journey of life through the cards I’ve been dealt, hoping I can make a difference in making my life a little better for me.
I lived this insanely busy and crazy life. Until the pandemic, it was always about work. I never had a minute to go down a rabbit hole. And if I did, I had to shake it off before my next shift because I couldn’t afford to flunk. I loved that life. too busy to deal with yourself or your problems. And when I wasn’t busy, I was somewhere having fun. But that is a happier past. The pandemic sat me down and forced me to face myself. And that is when I broke down. When my cracks started showing and I started sinking in the water. And honestly, I haven’t been able to pick myself up since. I’ve had a few successful attempts, but they never last very long. It is a heartbreaking reality, yet it is mine.
Positive thinking is the mastering art of a failing trust system. It’s a trick to con ourselves into thinking something our minds don’t agree with. Because if we master that pattern and make a habit of thinking positively, life becomes a little easier. We just tell ourselves it will be fine without the dreadful anxiety of every living situation that could go wrong.
I don’t think we realize just how messed up it is that our first instinct is doubt and questionability over the credibility of their words and actions the minute someone tells you literally anything. “Trust issues” is a term loosely used to acknowledge your doubt over sincerity and intent. Perhaps it’s a normal reaction to endless betrayals. But it’s sad and exhausting that even when you finally agree, your nervous system insists on denying it until proven wrong. It has to have taken a hundred instants of harsh disappointment to lose faith in people and life. But who in this world doesn’t have trust issues anymore? Do we believe what anyone else ever says? Do we believe in ourselves when we say things? Sometimes we just say things and hope they become true. We take chances and leaps of faith in the face of a million doubts, hoping against hope that we are looked out for.
And yet, after a while, you start losing the trust you have in yourself due to the subtle yet significant self-betrayals. So now you don’t just distrust other people; you also distrust yourself for putting so much pressure on yourself over trivial matters. This drains and exhausts you, and before you know it, you’re at war with yourself. And years and years pass by before you realize, okay, life should not be this hard. So why is it? and so begins the journey of finding answers to your questions. The journey of self-awareness and, if you’re lucky, self-healing too, because something must be broken for it to keep cracking so hard with every little inconvenience.
But the thing is, decades of damage cannot be healed. It simply cannot be. You may try, and you will find improvements and some answers, but it cannot be fixed and erased. Your nervous system, mind, and body remember things too well. We often don’t understand why we react a certain way to certain people or situations, and you have no clue. But when you dig down, you find your little therapy breakthroughs and answers. and you rediscover a piece of yourself that you had lost along the way.
She Was Sea 