People have loved me far less for much more.

You didn’t lose me over night, over a silly fight. You lost me over time, a little by little, every time you made me cry.

No, you didn’t lose me the first time you broke my heart, or the last. You only lost me when you never cared that I stay or go.

No, you didn’t lose me to a guy who was waiting for a chance, you lost me to myself. And thank you for that. I found myself without you when you let me go and never looked back.

Thank you for not coming back, thank you for letting me cry myself to sleep, thank you for letting me experience the world so alone. Hadn’t you left, I couldn’t have appreciated the love I have today.

No, meeting him wasn’t a fairytale that just happened. And when I first met him, I didn’t realize he’d eventually have all of me.

But in him, I saw the effort, sincerity, and love I had yearned for so long. When I met him, I was on the verge of starting meds for my mental health because that was what was recommended as the next step. But then he took away so much of my pain, even holding me through it. In him, I found hope.

I’m not sure how far this will go or if it will last two weeks, but I know I haven’t felt this safe in a long time. My heart is happier with him.

It’s been long since words have failed me.

But, here’s hoping,

I –

remember,
love,
and hurt –

a little less, tomorrow.

I kept looking back, hoping you would notice me.
But there I was, non-existent to you,
Praying, hoping and aching, for you to see me too.

I’ve been dreading writing, not wanting to write at all, after realizing how much of myself I reveal to those who read these, half of whom have the worst of their intentions. And it’s only now, however regrettably, that I’ve come to comprehend the true nature of most people.

It was refreshing yet unsettling to observe how careless and unkind some choose to be, yet it is the fact of our society.

Hazelnut Lattes & Pain - both of which stay in my system for far too long.

It’s 04:09 am to be exact. I should be sleeping, but I’m not. I’m fully clothed in my gym wear, ready to set out for a run, after struggling to sleep for a good part of tonight. Now might be a great time to get myself checked out for insanity, is this where I finally lose it?

My lack of sleep is due to the dozen hazelnut lattes I’ve had in the past several weeks; my latest poison. I don’t drink coffee for a reason, and this is it. Although I haven’t noticed any tremors, coffee, like pain, lingers in my system for far too long. And I suppose it adds up, just like pain. I’ve been having trouble sleeping for weeks, and it’s both familiar and worrying since I’ve had a couple of these episodes in the past few years, and it’s a sign that something is really wrong.

If you’re wondering why a girl clothed in her running gear sat down to write this, it’s because it seemed too dark and too early, to be out jogging alone. The minute I was about to step outside, I grew nervous and felt unsafe. So I sat down and ran with my thoughts instead. Unfortunately for my body, this burns zero body fat.

But maybe now that it’s almost 05 am, it might be a little safe out there? Oh what a paradox. I can’t believe I got out of bed and got into my gym bra only to end up writing this.

Doing the right thing can sometimes make you feel so lonely.

Not going after the people you love, not fighting for love, and ultimately letting them go. Because they weren’t meant for you.

Can reality pause for a moment? I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t think I’m ready to face that I have to go back to a place where we are strangers again. The same airport you dropped me off at now I set foot in knowing we’ll never speak again. And what kills me is not knowing why. 

When I go through my old photos, I see myself with the smile you gave me and eyes that sparked my love for you. What a time that was. It seems like just yesterday that I was always glued to my phone, reveling in our never-ending conversations about life, work, and love.

You treated me right and that’s what got me in the end. And after all this time, I’m still gotten. You loved me more in difficult circumstances than anyone else did in great ones. You didn’t have to, you didn’t choose to, yet you did. We fell deeply, what a happy chance of serendipity. I hope I never forget that. Not that I’m holding on, but how could I not dwell in my once in a lifetime kind of love?. I’ll never forget you, get over you, and I’ll always wonder what we could’ve been if things had turned out differently. We’ll always remain a wonder. One without an ending but prolonged longing.

I admit it’s painful to think and know we’ve really parted, after many many tearful goodbyes. And that no matter how much it mattered at the moment, one day it won’t. I can’t blame you for moving on, just because I struggle to and when all I’ve done is push you away.

I try to go on, looking for love elsewhere, desperately hoping that something would make as much sense again. But it hasn’t, and it most likely won’t. All I’ve done is try, over and over. Returning to this familiar yet doomed ending, again and again.

I’m happy for you, happy that you’re happier in your life, the life I couldn’t be a part of. But loving you, is something my heart cannot stop. This bittersweet love is the worst sort. The right kind of love but at such a wrong time.

Love you, I always will. Miss you, I always will. But I’m strong enough to see that we can never be more than what we were, and what we were will never be again.

I hope you never stop smiling, and that you never lose your charm. I pray you never miss me as much as I miss you, because I know how much it pains me, and with loves like this, I can only wish better things for you.

Stay happy, my love. You have my heart, still.