I haven’t slept. I don’t know what’s wrong, but something is. Falling asleep shouldn’t be this hard, should it? I’m more awake than I was the whole of yesterday or even last night. It feels like 10 pm for my biological clock. I stayed in bed since 1 am, and finally, around 4 am I got out and cleaned my room, and bathroom, and even sorted out half my closet, hoping that if I did that, sleep would come easily. I showered. I washed my hair for the first time in days, hoping that would make the headache go away.

For the past two years, I’ve had these episodes on and off. But I always thought once I had a better routine in my life, it would fix itself. But it seems like it hasn’t. I’m a seasonal insomniac, I guess.

I’ll go back to bed; today is another working day, and I can’t miss it. I dread the morning sun because I know my eyes can’t handle it after the night they’ve had. I hate how bright the days are.

It’s nearly 12 pm and it feels like early morning for me. Maybe because I couldn’t sleep till after 6 am. I hate my sleep cycle. I just might consider sleeping pills at this point. But it’s possible that my habits are preventing me from developing a proper routine. And maybe it’s stress, everything’s chaotic. I can’t wait to have a good day, and today doesn’t feel like one even though it just started. I want to stay positive, but today just doesn’t feel like it. 

I wrote this on my way to work this morning and forgot about it the minute I got in, and then the day got in the way. The rest of the day was me trying to recover my sleep. Well, better late than never, right? I also deleted TikTok this morning after I realized my screen time was going up by hours every day. So no more of that.

Oh wow, I almost forgot today. I had my exams today. It went pretty okay. But I’m not; I feel nauseous. It’s annoying how I’m not even a little relieved because I won’t be until February is over. There are so many deadlines and so many reports, and work is about to get crazy too, and I can’t even plan my birthday with everything that’s going on. Ah well. I hope it gets easier.

Ah, it’s taken me days to even start exam prep. These are my exam weeks, and I want to do everything but study. I’ve always disliked or struggled with studying. It’s just not my thing, but I can’t also fail after investing as much time and money as I already have.

I’ve already ordered a bunch of food that I didn’t really want, just hoping I’d feel better enough to study. But nope. It’s just triggering my binge eating and doing nothing else.

Either way, I’ll keep trying to get into my books. I also did a voiceover today, which was fun. Let’s wait and see how it turns out.

Late entry, late day. My sleep cycle is suffering immensely. I was up past 5 am too last night, unable to sleep, scrolling through endless TikToks.

Today, the words aren’t coming like they usually do. I have nothing.

I went to my second cousin’s birthday party yesterday, walked into a room full of people alone to witness all the things I’ll never have in life, I guess.

Today is Friday the 13th, and I’m going to bed at 8 am. I’d been up all night doing everything, yet somehow nothing. I lived inside my head, confined by four concrete walls. Felt like years, yet it was just one night. I’ve been trying to clean my room since around 10 pm, and bit by bit I’m just done. It’s not even a big cleaning, it’s just the daily one. I kept getting distracted and interrupted. I ended up making a bunch of tiktoks to make myself feel better. But I forgot how editing videos always triggered my anxiety as I heard them over and over again. 

Well, my brain is no longer working. I’ll try to sleep and hopefully wake up sane.

Maybe he’s one of the good guys, isn’t he? 

Maybe he won’t cut me open like the rest did.

Maybe he does see me beyond my chaos and all the thoughts that run wild that cause me to collapse under the weight of my own lungs.

Just, maybe.

The week is over, it’s been a mess as far as it concerns me. I’ll be better next week, alright. This just wasn’t my best. 

Messed up sleep cycles and iced coffees are recipes for disaster. I woke up awfully late and moody as hell. There’s no fix. It almost feels like self sabotage. 

Happy weekend, I guess.

The secrets we keep will eat us alive in the end, won’t they? But some things don’t belong to the rest of the world. Our helplessness, our lives, and our choices aren’t always things the rest of the world will understand or agree with. So you take your secrets to your grave. Telling the world would be suicide. 

You know I’ve struggled to find my place and my purpose for the last few months. I questioned my work and my life. And wondered why I felt so empty and so low. 

Maybe it’s not such a stretch to feel this way. I changed my life; I moved, left my career, and switched industries. The last few years were a complete 360. Perhaps the emptiness is from the loss of doing something I love every day. I used to love love my work. I loved living away, away from the city, the traffic, and the stress. I loved how it protected my sanity. Maybe that’s what it is. I’m adjusting to my new life. Some days, I still miss the old one. There are days I feel like I am not good enough for my role today, even though it’s something I only undertook a little over a year ago. It’s a huge challenge that I’m taking on today, and I often forget or give myself credit for the journey I took to get here.