It was just yesterday that I prayed for ease. And my mental health laughed in my face.

I feel so unloved, misunderstood, and lonely.

Wow, it’s February. 

January flew by like a trial. It shook me to my core. I hope the rest of the year is easy. I hope it’s kind to me.

Heartbroken at breakfast. I don’t know if it was because I was too hungry or because I’ve been feeling anxious, or both. I don’t know. I’m too sensitive. And it really hurts to be around people who are completely oblivious to it. But sometimes I also feel like, by expecting them to be more mindful of it, I’m asking for too much, but then I also think that’s wrong, that I shouldn’t have to feel that way. Anyone who claims to love me should be able to protect my feelings, heart, and state of mind. “Love” is more than just a word. But sometimes that’s all it is—just a word, without any feelings, care, or empathy attached to it.

And to me, I love you today would’ve meant, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re going through whatever you are. 

Some days I feel like it would be so much easier and a lot less painful to rip my heart out of my chest and watch it bleed. Feeling this kind of loneliness is a heartbreaking way to start the day. 

Or maybe it’s all in my head. And I’ll convince myself that it is and that I’m a little crazy . Like everyone else tells me. That makes more sense than believing that people and the world are cruel. Or the fact that my feelings are too much and irrelevant, that people don’t care, and that it’s just me who cares and I care too much. 

Sometimes they do things, and you think to yourself, “If they loved you, they could never do that.” And you know this voice in you is right, but you’re just holding on, hoping to be proven wrong.

Less than thrilled this morning. Last night I was too tired to do anything but finish the paper I was working on. I still have a few more to go. But then, in between naps, I saw class invitations for next semester. I hadn’t even thought about next semester. And I have four modules next semester. Classes apparently start next week, and we aren’t even properly done with this semester. It makes no sense, but obviously the college couldn’t care less about that. They’ll just pile shit on, and we’ll be left to swim in rising waters. Yeap, I am kind of freaking out.

Good morning! Waking up with an improved sleep cycle is quite pleasant. Kinda on track with my deadlines and looking forward to being more productive today.

On a completely unrelated note, you know what’s painful? Being surrounded by selfish people and not being a selfish enough person yourself. Because then you’re surrounded by people with their own agendas, completely oblivious to you and your senses.

A new week, perhaps a fresh start A chance to get into a proper routine and let go of terrible sleeping patterns. It’s funny because I’ve been awake since 3 a.m. Well, it’s not as bad as it was, and I feel like it is getting better. 

I am slightly behind on deadlines, and that is a bit frustrating. Work is sometimes frustrating, because it’s exhausting being surrounded by people who are just pretending to be people they aren’t half the time. Fake smiles and fake conversations—there’s nothing I hate more than pretentious people, yet somehow the world is filled with them.

Leaving that aside, I believe I had the best weekend ever. I’ve been happier. Here’s wishing happiness never leaves.

I’m disappointed in myself for flaking on this little dedication of mine. My sleep cycle is at its worst, and I’m either asleep all day or having the best time of my life all night.

These two days have been the best anything has been in so long. What I am realizing is that even if it is hard to stay positive and grateful rather than dwell on things that aren’t going your way, doing just that does wonderful things for your mind. 

I did have some frustrations, but I’m choosing not to pay them any attention right now because I need to save my stress for college reports.

Some days I’m falling to pieces, and some days I’m coming together. Today is the latter. And I’m grateful. I’m grateful for today. 

Song on my mind: “Not in That Way” by Sam Smith

Two days ago, I urged, “Promise you’ll never fall out of love with me? That you’ll always love me, through the good and the bad. And that you’ll be kind to me even if we fight. That you won’t be cruel in the name of being honest. Tell me you’ll love me more than I love you on the days I need it the most. Tell me I can count on you when everything else is falling apart. Tell me you’ll always be there when I need you. Tell me.”

Of course, I was asking for too much.

And tonight, he looked me in the eye and said, “You used to be the one.”

I was absolutely destroyed by one sentence. This man, who has loved me unconditionally since the moment he laid eyes on me, sat in front of me and told me he no longer felt the same way. And I wanted to die.

He was the one, until that moment. And nothing makes sense anymore. 

I’ve had trouble falling asleep all night. All I want to do is disappear. I feel vulnerable, humiliated, exposed, and violated.  

It just started raining heavily—finally something good. I might suffocate in this storm.