I love him, perhaps more than I love myself. 

I’ve put myself in a position I swore I would never put myself in again. Old habits die hard, don’t they?

Leaving was always hard, but leaving never felt impossible until now. Maybe I’ve done all the leaving I can, and now I just want to hold on. 

They’re going to sleep fine when you’re not okay. This is something I learned about 10 years ago, and having to relearn it now shows just how far I’ve fallen for an illusion of love. 

Sometimes I want to hurt them as much as they hurt me.  But I could never do that. 

The difference was that I was too afraid of losing them, and they were never afraid of leaving.

I couldn’t hurt them out of fear that I’d lose them.

Something in you dies little by little, waiting for them to care a little bit more. 

I was afraid you wouldn’t try hard enough and we’d die if I made you work for what you lost in me, and I wanted us to live so badly. I made it so easy for you.

And now I’m the one crying myself to sleep.

It’s Friday, and I woke up to a deja vu moment. One I’ve woken up to many times before. Yet everything’s changed. 

I haven’t done any work that I needed to do, and I’m behind, yet I just don’t feel like doing it. I’m hoping I’ll get into it tomorrow. 

I went for a run after a long time, and had to stop because of cramps. My cramps hardly let me go beyond 3K. Which is annoying, but hey, I can’t be mad at my body for doing everything it can to keep me going. I’ve also thrown my shoulder off with all the dodgeball practices. It was already bad, but I guess this made it worse. 

I started watching Blacklist. That’s new. 

It’s so annoying how my life won’t even let me enjoy weekends anymore. I’ve got to wait until May to start living. 

My deadlines are killing me. One thing is for sure: either I will survive or this degree. No way in hell both. 

It’s time to start stressing over the deadlines I purposefully chose to ignore yesterday. Life is indeed fun.

Today was bliss. I’m just a girl rummaging through the ups and downs of life and trying to make the most of it every day.

I took a break today and just chose to be happy. There wasn’t a single moment of stress. I didn’t worry about my deadlines or work. I was just happy to exist.

One thing or the other always. Can life ever just chill?

Even if you can change someone’s “what” things, you can’t really change the “how” without fundamentally altering their way of life. The what of things is often a choice; it’s tangible, and the how of things is often a means of living.

Not everything is black or white. There’s a little gray, maybe off-white, between the lines of “I love you” and “I would do anything for your happiness.”

Another Friday, another rock bottom.

I’m starting to believe I truly am cursed for this shit to keep happening to me over and over. When you love people more than you love yourself, you always put yourself in situations where they end up hurting you. It’s all because you love them more than you love yourself, and you let it happen.