Even when you know they won’t come through for you, the heart still hopes a little because it still loves and can’t fathom the reality that they no longer do. So every repetitive disappointment pushes you back to the truth that you already know, yet the heart continues to deny the truth, for it loves so much and wishes he did too.

Detoxing from someone is hard—the detachment and getting used to a reality without them—and mostly walking away from the person you love more than yourself. But it’s a lesson I will forever etch in my heart.

I had loved him when I believed I didn’t have the ability to. He showed me I was capable of loving someone, and that only shows me the way forward.

I read somewhere, “Imagine just how much you could love the right person if you loved the wrong person this much.” Although I disagree, it gives me hope that one day I won’t be here. One day I will find new love again and feel new things, unimaginable things. But it just sucks right now. My heart is in pieces. It’s craving him like it craves a drug. It needs his love, like it needs oxygen pumped to its veins. Yet, he doesn’t care. He’d leave my heart out to die, and that truth hurts.

Najwa Zebian once said, “Do you really need the person who hurt you to tell you, ‘I hurt you, and I’m sorry, and I feel awful that I did it’? It’s beautiful to get it, but do you need it? Do you not know how painful the pain was when you experienced it? Do you need them to tell you how painful it was and give you permission to feel it? You don’t need it, you want it because you believe your relief is going to come when they acknowledge what they put you through.”

And she said, “Even if they do, you think it’s going to take the pain away, but it doesn’t. Because you still have to heal from that pain.”

Being starved out of love kind of kills something in you, and even if they say the person who hurt you can’t fix you, you still feel like the only person who can bring even the slightest amount of relief is just that person. So you constantly turn to them, only for them to do what they always do—leave you in the dark. And then darkness becomes your home for a while before you can open your eyes to the light.

I think what I’ve learnt isn that the things that happen to you aren’t an indication of your value.

Good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people sometimes. It’s life. 

So what we can do is just play the cards we’ve been dealt, without mourning them. Because until we can draw a new set of cards again, these are the hands we have. 

Don’t indulge in misery and self loathing. That gets you nowhere. Believing in yourself does. Doing the best you can with what you have does. 

Who knows what tomorrow’s got for us, so live all your bad days in certainty that the good ones are coming. Because it’s inevitable. There’s no bad without the good and vice versa. They both exist for each other. And you can’t have one without the other. If it weren’t for the other you couldn’t appreciate either. 

Life is worth living for all the wonderful days yet to come, and if you look around with a fresh perspective, today is pretty good too. 

You’re doing alright! 🫶🏼

Sex is the easy thing, right? It’s everywhere. You can find someone to sleep with in a second. But can you find someone who will love you just as quickly? No, that doesn’t happen. Love is scarce, while sex is abundant. So what are we really looking for? Do we search for what is scarce and end up settling for what’s just out there? Or are we so terrified of never having been loved right that we resort to sleeping around as a mechanism, shielding ourselves from our vulnerabilities?

What is life?

You know how when you jump off a moving vehicle, you gotta start running to avoid a hard fall? I feel like that’s what I’m doing right now. But what will happen when I stop? Can I keep running forever? So the things I run away from never have the chance to catch up. Or do I stop running, let them take over me, and run with the baggage of it all? It will surely slow me down, but at least I won’t be running away. I’ll just be moving forward. And I want to move forward.

Today I woke up feeling heavier than usual. And no matter what I did the feeling followed. You can visualise a rainy cloud over my head today. I feel like I’m losing control. I’ll just try to get through today hoping for a better tomorrow.

Hello friends, here I am again. Attempting to keep up a habit that is dying.

We are half way into the year, and I can say it with my whole heart that I didn’t love the first half of it. But maybe this is where things change. And I’m hoping it would. 

I’ve started to do the deep work that I so terribly owe to myself. I’m learning to be kinder towards me and be more compassionate, I’m starting to prioritize myself. I’m starting to learn to be content with myself.

I think the past few years were a whirlwind of me quickly realizing that I didn’t want to live the way I did, so I just rushed into changing everything without being patient and trusting the universe to bring me what I deserved. So instead, I was wrecking myself on shores where I didn’t belong, not understanding why I kept ending up there.

What I’m talking about is not an easy thing to do; it is real hard work, and it comes with fundamentally changing the way I view the world. And while some days I feel like I’m succeeding, other days I feel like I’m falling behind. But nevertheless, I’m trusting the light to guide me home.

I wish I came to write here under better circumstances, but I never do. I only turn to write when I feel a void within that only words can help understand.

And today even words won’t be enough.

These days are wonderful. I’m calmer and more centered. I see things more clearly, feels like the brain fog has been lifted.

I’m so incredibly happy and so incredibly in love. 

The complexity of loving others lies in the fact that we cannot control how they perceive or respond to our love. Even if, by chance, they reciprocate our feelings, we still lack the ability to dictate the way they express that love. This reality shows the limited control we have over the trajectory of our lives.

In truth, the only aspect within our control is our own emotions and feelings. Attempting to impose our desires and expectations upon others is a losing game. Therefore, it is essential to embrace a love without expectations. Love unconditionally, continuously, until it becomes impossible not to. Because often, love happens unexpectedly, without deliberate intent; it simply takes hold and leaves us to navigate its influence. Nevertheless, a healthy relationship allows for secure and open communication of our deepest sentiments.

When we love, we must wholeheartedly invest ourselves and remain hopeful for the best outcomes. If our heart happens to break along the way, it is possible that the experience is meant to guide us toward someone who will not shatter it. Regardless of the path, we should recognize the rarity of genuine love. If you find yourself completely and helplessly in love at this very moment, hold onto that sentiment tightly. I certainly am.

There was a time when I believed I would never experience love in its entirety, with unwavering certainty. But now that I have fallen in love, it’s both exhilarating and terrifying. Yet I worry about it constantly. But after realising how pointless worrying about it is,  I’ve made the decision to love with an open heart and hope that I fly and not fall. And trust that if i do fall, they would catch me. After all, love grants them the power to potentially hurt me, but it also requires a profound trust that they will not.

I love this man more than I have known love. Life without him seems nearly impossible. It’s unhealthy, but I’ve fallen in love recklessly and helplessly. And right now, all I want is to savor this moment and revel in being in love.

Love often leaves us feeling powerless, and maybe it’s in that vulnerability that its true beauty resides.

I can’t keep lying to myself anymore. I can’t keep breaking my heart every other day. There are truths I know deep inside me that I am yet unable to accept because I chose to believe and have faith.

So no matter what I feel or witness, in the end, I lie to myself to protect my little delusion and fantasy. Because if truth prevails and my curated dream gets unraveled, I will fall apart.

I am falling apart. I have tried and tried to hold myself together.

It’s embarrassing to admit how weak I have become. But I have.

I am in love with someone I need, and the thought of losing him terrifies me. I can’t breathe without him. But he’s not like me. He doesn’t need me. And would probably be fine without me. And that kills me too.

How do you voice your feelings to someone who’s okay with losing you?

I don’t write as much because I can no longer write with an open heart. Everything I feel is a risk, and a bigger one if I write it.

“You know there’s many different ways that you can kill the one you love.
The slowest way is never loving them enough.”

How true.