Author Archives: MRYM

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Of you.

March 18, 2016

I keep thinking about going back, going back to all those times where I felt nothing but happy with you. I wish I could undo what I had done so I’d still have an opening in your life. I love you. I’m sorry.
Would you’ve kept me happy had I not cheated? Would you’ve treated me all right if Id not cheated? Would you? No. You wouldn’t have. We’d been dating since 2013 and you’ve called me a slut long back when I’d done nothing wrong. You’ve ditched me multiple times. Argued with me horribly for the most pointless things. I was always too much for you. You were always on the edge with me. And lately I had to not say or not call or just not be around at all ‘cuz I didn’t know I dint know how to be myself without you getting mad at me or leaving me for no reason. You had broken my heart and left me when I most needed you. I just didn’t want you to leave again. But I ended up losing you anyway. Luckily I’d grown and learnt to not run after you. I could keep writing about you until I fall out of this. But even today, all my thoughts are of you.

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After every fuck up.

March 16, 2016

I know you’re mad. You have every right to be. If I were you I’d never speak to me again. I’d just run as far as I could and never return no matter what feelings I may have. Cuz no body deserves to be treated like the way I treat you at times. However inconsiderate however pissed that’s no excuse. And I’m sorry so very deeply. But that’s the thing. It’s like the person who hits you once will cry and shower you with flowers when they are guilty and yet do it again. And the cycle will repeat. When they buy you flowers you think they are good again and would never hurt you. That’s not true. They would. Cuz they have their own issues and you just happen to be the easiest person to bash on since you willingly stand in the way of the person and their life hoping you could make things easier for the other. But you’re wrong. They don’t want you or even need you. At times they’d miss you and that’s the most. And there’ll be times they are so loving but that won’t last cuz whatever’s eating them up will always be there and will strike eventually and you’ll always be the victim. And I don’t want to treat you like that. I’m so sorry for the things that I say and the words that I do not mean.

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March 14, 2016

If you only knew, if you only knew what I truly want. I want a family. A loving husband whom I can spend rest of my days with. A home. Someone to come home to. Someone worth learning to cook for. Children, a marriage, a life. That’s what I want. A freaking Life, god damn it! That’s all I want. I don’t enjoy packing my bags and leaving from one place to another. This isn’t living. It’s exhausting. I hate packing, I hate new places, I hate new things.
 But I’m too afraid to admit or say it out loud, because I’m not sure if I’ll ever have any of these. Wanting things you’re not sure of ever having is terrifying. What if you get all your hopes up and realize far too late that none of this is in the cards for you. I don’t feel good enough to want any of these things. So I’m not looking.
I am no longer living, just existing. Because my life has lost its purpose and I don’t see any reason to live for, anymore. 
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13319769_1199564780054561_2457988478265725119_nMarch 09, 2016

It bothers me, it bothers me so much that after everything that went down you still find it okay to be friends with my friends. After everything you’ve said at me, you find it okay to be coy with my friends. You find it okay to comment silly cute things on my best friends Instagram. You had the courage to wish me on my birthday, even indirectly eleven minutes past twelve. I was over the moon to wake up and find the screenshot, at first. I wanted to say Thank You, but instead I replied “It took him 11 minutes, to wish me? What’s wrong with him. Does he really think the weird and disturbed gold digger deserves a Happy Birthday? Not another fuck in the ass? Balaaeh.” And then I said to my friend how I didn’t understand she could be so cool with him, not after how he turned things around.
That’s when I realized, I don’t hate him. Not even a bit, not even at all. When I really should be outraged and furious at him, I am not. When he should be furious at me, he’s not. A part of him isn’t, if not he’d have never wished me. So how can I expect my friends to remember all the shit he said at me when even I don’t mind it. How fucked up is that. My friends only remember how much he means to me. He truly means the most to me. No matter how horribly we’ve ruined each other and everything around for us. He’s still special, so fucking special.
But later in the conversation he had asked her to not pass the message, that he’s had a change of heart, when she replied it was too late, he replied “Shit.” Well damn right, it’s shit. Everyone expects us to be going in circles but this time it’s different. It has to be. We’re never going to forgive each other, ever.
And here I am going over everything @ 9 am on my 23rd fucking Birthday while listening to “To Bid You Farewell by Opeth.”
Devotion eludes
And in sadness I lumber
In my own ashes I am standing without a soul
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Me in his T.

March 07, 2016

How do you know when you’re over someone? How do you know when your heart no longer hurts over them? You keep yourself busy until you forget what you’re actually dealing with yourself here. And then you hear that name you’ve been dreading for weeks and you flinch.  
When will I be able to hear his name and not flinch? It’s not the flinching that’s worse, it’s not knowing when. It’s not knowing for how long this would go on. See, we’ve made a full circle here. Strangers to friends to lovers and then to friends and enemies and back to strangers. When it’s all said and done, we are at where we started. Like nothing, we never existed.
So I ran far away from all of this not having to deal with it daily. But then there comes these moments where I stumble upon an old picture or a dried flower and here I am.
So what am I really doing if I am not moving forward? Staying put because what’s ahead terrifies me more than what I’ve left behind?!.
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Paper is patient, when people are not.

Had my heart-broken so many times that I’ve lost count, all my life I’ve felt like nothing but a burden to everyone around me and I hated that feeling so much. I kept pretending I could take care of myself and I keep failing and failing.

I know life is never easy but sometimes it’s kind and other times it’s just brutal. I know I’ve made mistakes, a lot of them. Horrible ones and some very bad decisions too but I learnt from them, I did. And I tried to make things right but I just suffer too much in the process it’s almost like no one cares or forgives and some just don’t forget.

“Let me just stay here for one more night, build your world around me and pull me to the light but we had time against us, miles between us. The heavens cried.”
I’m not surprised, not everything lasts.
I’ve broken my heart many times, I stopped keeping track

“Wherever you are, whenever it’s right. You’ll come out of no where and into my life.”
“Because there’s never a right time to say goodbye.”
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March 07, 2016

I don’t understand how people hold grudges against some for the longest periods of time. I have never been able to do so. There are people whom I hate for certain things they’ve done. But I don’t wish them ill and if they come up and talk to me, chances are I’d talk back too. To hell with what they’ve done. They’ll catch their own Karma. It’s not my responsibility to make them realize what they’ve done. If they are good people they’ll come to the realization without someone else having to explain why what they did was wrong. Their own voice is the best response they can get, not someone else.

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Fuck, 23.

13331048_1199549676722738_3314730540458641672_nMarch 03, 2016

Twenty Three. Twenty Fucking Three. Wow! I could so easily freak out right now. I mean Life, was supposed to be something else. I thought I’d be further ahead from where I am right now. And a week ain’t changing nothing. Have I failed? Or is it too late to accomplish everything that I have always wanted to? It’s going to be another year of nagging from my mom to find a spouse. When you are a girl you are expected to get married and start a life at a certain age apparently. But how do you work and find someone to be fully committed to. How do you do both? Without cancelling each other?.
I remember when I was seventeen, I couldn’t wait to grow a year older so I could finally get married. Not that I had anyone picked out. I just loved the idea of getting married and moving away. Was a little too eager to start over and that was when I was only eighteen. Little did I know marriage wasn’t just play. It was real and it ruins everything. 
Now every time I attend a wedding, I am asked when the hell is my turn? Erm excuse me? Do you not see that I am here all by myself? When I finally start bringing someone along with me to family occasions and functions it might be appropriate to ask me when my turn would be. But not right now, y’all keep pissing me off and driving me away with all your stupid questions like, you’re so beautiful why are you single. You wanna know why I am single? Because I am too bloody fucked up for anyone. I can’t burden someone else with all my shit. And beautiful only gets you laid or fucked in the ass. Beautiful never gets you married unless you’ve sorted yourself out. So let me do my sorting out for now. I mean c’mon, not everyone gets it right. You end up making the wrong choices too often and that wastes years of your life. Now look at me, see I’m still hung up on someone I met three years back. It doesn’t look like I’ll be over him anytime soon. And I’m not even trying, honestly I can’t do the relationship thing anymore. I let someone wreck me, it took him three years and here I am, broken, beyond repair.
So no, I do not believe everyone ends up with the perfect one. I doubt there is someone out there for each and every one of us. Sometimes you’ve just got to settle, for a kind caring heart. Hoping everything else might fall into place eventually. Crossing your fingers for shooting stars and fireworks to happen during your first kiss. You can only wish something as real could happen. But it’s not guaranteed. Often we end up disappointed and in unhappy marriages. And I never want to be that girl, I’d rather spend the rest of myself alone, by myself. I might not be the happiest, but at least no one else would be responsible for my happiness. 
Also,  since we all follow the cliché rule “age is just a number”, everything could still fall into place. Weather you’re 23 or 63. It could happen. But damn I’m getting old. All I can think of are  saggy titties and wrinkles. Oh the horror! And 23 leaves only seven  years till thirty. Ohmygod. 
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Love & War

February 29, 2016

I hope you’re proud of what you have done. I hope you’re finally happy. If putting me through hell was what you needed to do for you to shy away from everything we’ve had and my wrong doings then let this be it. 
I thought you warned me to stay away. And I did. Fairly I had stayed away since the day I ended things. But we kept crossing each other and you didn’t mind stopping by. What I had forgotten was, “all is fair in love & war”. I wasn’t aware of your dirty little plot. How could I have known, I knew there was something so very monstrous about you but I never thought you could unleash your demons and let evil spill over me. Honestly the times I’ve been with you have felt more or less like hell too often. But hey who’s counting that, all that matters now is, I have become the whore who cheated on a perfectly functional relationship and ruined everything.
Oops, my bad.
You know what sweety, you may not remember this, but the shit I’ve gone through for you to get us through, people have seen. And they remember more than I do. I often forget the worst bits because every time we got back together it was all about starting over.
A million apologies or confessions would not undo what I’ve done. But that is so fucking stupid. I cheated on you. You never found out. I broke up with you. And two months into the break up you find out shit and I become savage?. Oh please, give me a fucking break!
I know I’ve brought almost all of this on me by myself, but I never thought you’d have so much to contribute. Not after everything.
Well done. You’ve done almost everything to humiliate me, except one. And you just might do that any day now. A part of me wishes you’d do that sooner and get the hell over with it, so you no longer hold that against me. I honestly can’t handle you holding that kind of leverage over me. After that’s been done, I’d have nothing to fear from you. And I’d bet it cannot be any worse than the shit that’s been coming at me everyday for the past few weeks.
All thanks to you. All hail your demons.
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“Memories demand attention, because memories have teeth.”

February 28, 2016

I knew it, I’ve known it all along. Everyone who’s seen my blog or even if not, anyone who knew how open I was about the things I’ve been through in life asks me to shut the fuck up and never tell my the embarrassing dreadful bits to anyone. Okay they are right, for a reason. Most people aren’t as open-minded as I. I have known this, but that doesn’t stop me. Because my life and I am the outcome of everything that has happened to me. So we sugar coat the horrible bits and that leaves me with a perfect life where it doesn’t allow me to be as fucked up as I am. I am fucked up because of everything that has happened or didn’t happen. So how do I pretend they didn’t happen? How do I embrace myself without embracing the things that has made me the person I am today. Even I know, what the irrelevant people know about me today are 90% of the things I’ve written or talked about openly with someone. Of course trusting them to not spill the beans. But who can you really even trust anymore? I had no idea social media could become such a disease. But I think I always knew being so open about the worst things would come and bite me in the ass. But my policy to that has always been, a person who asks me to shut up about my issues or someone who is ashamed of my life isn’t worth being my ally. 
My mother was the first person who asked me to not tell anyone about what happened, and I asked her why? I was 19 then. And she told me because if I did I would never find anyone who would want to marry me. You know what Mom. That’s fine, because I don’t want a husband whom I can’t be myself around. And I think I’d rather spend the rest of my life just by myself. Who has the strength to love someone when they are nothing but melancholy.
And then there are the Anon Tumblr haters, who surprisingly “lol”s at the word rape. You know what? I may have been raped. Obviously sex without consent is rape. But I was too young to know what the hell was actually happening. I wasn’t saying yes. I wasn’t saying no either. The truth was I hadn’t been sleeping for months or even eating properly, I had no energy in me to fight him. And to this day, anyone whom I’ve told the story to, asks me, why didn’t you scream? why didn’t you run? You wanted it to happen, didn’t you? That’s where I stop answering. Because I do not know how to explain it any further. Where could I have run to in a foreign land with no one I knew ? How could I have screamed when I couldn’t find my voice to even ask him what the hell?
You see, this is something I thought I would forget about eventually. But its fucking annoying how it keeps coming back as I keep growing older. I mightn’t not made a big deal out of what happened. My parents may have glided it way easily than they actually should have. But the withdrawals are always there.
And today, I have to face horrible awful rumors that’s going around. Spread by I don’t even know whom, but I have a feeling someone I once deeply loved is responsible. I might have hurt someone really bad for them to turn the whole world against me, to make sure that I no longer breathe air but hate. 

 
I hope you are happy. I hope my misery makes up for what I did to you. 
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