Spoiler: I DO

Walking away has definitely been the hardest thing I’ve done as an adult. This was a first in many ways, and way too complicated than most. I was however, accused of just complicating it inside my head. But what else would I do, overthinking every possibility is my birthright.

He was the shadow blocking my light, and without his darkness I no longer knew where I stood or the time of day.

I ended up questioning if I existed beyond his existence.

I loved a love I couldn’t admit to.

What is love anyway? I remember being 17 and not understanding how easily and how deeply I fell in love, every-time. Only now, love is the perfect repellant. This is one fleeting illusion I’m not holding onto.

Is it really back to this? Sleepless 3 ams. Listening to Slash go “I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle, but now I’m not sure?”.

Does it ever really stop?.

We can’t complain about feeling lonely when it’s our fault we don’t pick up calls, or reply to texts, or tell people we love that we are busy just to avoid seeing them. It’s just on some days, any human contact feels like moving mountains. I’ll just have to wait for these mountains to move because I’m too tired to move them today.

I’m convinced the world is built on hate. People live off abuse. Inflicting pain upon others and making them miserable given your leverage. We preach power, even the little we have, physically and mentally. We don’t care to think about what we are doing to other people. Because why should we? As long as the scars of our words and actions don’t bleed literally, why should we take notice of the impact it leaves. This is our culture now. There’s no escaping it. If an alpha person in your life hurts you, you suffer, you tolerate, you deal with it. No matter what it does to you. That’s what we are taught. Alpha’s can do no wrong. If their actions and words hurt us, we are in the wrong for being vulnerable to it. There’s no escaping it. Starts from home, and is followed by people you surround with outside home. Same shit, different circle. Everyone’s fighting for the upper hand. What the fuck for? Do we look like punching bags? Kindness costs nothing yet we treat as if it were fine jewelry rarely to be seen by elites. Why are we so infected that derives us off basic decency among some. Why do we have to replace humans with pets? Is there little to no hope left?

I feel so done with this world.

So much easier to get lost in someone and forget all of your pain. Tell them where it hurts, show them even. But how beautiful is it that they stay? How in the world did I deserve this?